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User Topic: Confronted OM
Gr8Lady
♀ Member
Member # 36307
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You confronted, now take the high road. Don't do anything that could be interpreted incorrectly.

Your WW, thinks YOU broke her trust.....what blame shifting !

Reconciliation is certainly possible, if both parties are committed to the work.

Wishing you well


BS: Me (63yo)
FWH: HIM (65yo) serial infidelities over past 35 years
OW: Many, most recent 1/2 his age
DD: Multiple unconfirmed until 2012 when I presented evidence, plus LTA with his friends wife lasting 10 years. TT over past year
So done,

Posts: 607 | Registered: Jul 2012
Louisville1
♂ New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 6:47 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lots to read and the support is nice. I'm not getting the support from her so it feels good to be validated. I've got a best friend I've kept in the dark and he knows something's up and has tried to get me out to talk. But it's embarrassing, painful and I just keep ducking him.
Got home this evening and after a talk with was basically me being made to be the problem I'm afraid it's not going to work out. She's using this to attack me.
She's laid the terms out that I'm not to go anywhere near her work or continue to keep tabs on her phone etc.
Been sitting here mindlessly. I look forward and can't imagine a point in the future where I'm still not tore up over this. She's said she's afraid I'll never get past this and She may be right.
I've been puppy dogging after her since two days after dDay.
I was planning the anniversary to make up for botching them in the past, but I'm pretty certain no matter what I do or don't do it won't change things. Her being held accountable for the affair is like many things in our lives. I'm still held accountable for every mistake I've made but she's never been held to that standard. I love her so much, and have put her on such a pedestal for over twenty years that when I look back I look like a putz. And now the biggest betrayal I could ever imagine I'm still doing it and end up being the ass.
Not doing it. Going to try like hell to walk away. If she wants me in her life she has to show me.
I've got a 13 yo daughter. Her big sister married and moved out of state last year. Her big brother moved out and is in college preparing to move to Toronto.
A divorce is going to further alienate her so she has to be my number 1 priority now.
Fucking just sucks. Sorry.
Thank you all for listening, reading and replying. I'm sorry you all know what I'm going through but I'm glad to get your support.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 6:53 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's laid the terms out that I'm not to go anywhere near her work or continue to keep tabs on her phone etc.
Red flag. Transparency is paramount.

Go ahead and see an attorney asap. Protect your rights and plan on D. Don't plan to move out or anything until after you talk to your lawyer.

Do the 180. Immediately. You need to detach for your own good.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3720 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Louisville1
♂ New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 6:56 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Reading the post I missed while typing and the pattern of behavior of WS's is uncanny similar.
Lots of you pointing out what I know, but can't bear to face.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
Louisville1
♂ New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can somebody post a link to 180 ?
I've looked but from my phone I may be missing it.
Thx

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
Toodevoted
♀ Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're here, know too well the feeling of having to be accountable for every small mistake I make and every major fuck up he makes too.

Good luck with the 180

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2011
Louisville1
♂ New Member
Member # 42130
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow regarding 180.
I'm doing the exact opposite...hence the obvious name of the behavior modification required.
Going to try my best, but may be too late.
Either way though I'll guess I'm better off.
Thank you for the link.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Louisville, KY
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to try my best, but may be too late.

It's never too late to make yourself stronger.

Detach.


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is for you. It is never too late to start making your own healing the focus.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3720 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Toodevoted
♀ Member
Member # 33149
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Going to try my best, but may be too late.
Either way though I'll guess I'm better off.

Never too late! I should have done it 4 years ago instead of rugsweeping, but started it a week ago and feel so much better about my future and my sanity for it


BS (me): 44
WH: 44
DD: Dec 2009 but let him rugsweep

Posts: 79 | Registered: Aug 2011
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 8:01 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry. Your wife is still in the affair. You have to get that to end, then she needs to emotionally detach from the A and then she needs to get on the right track to help you heal and fix her broken little self. Your light years away from being on the other side of that, sadly. Is there a SO on his end? If so, that helps jump start the end of the A. Otherwise I agree, 180 is your best bet.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Jul 2012
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be the man you were when you confronted the POS that screwed your wife!

PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN and DEMAND that you be treated with the respect you deserve.

If she can't get with the program, kick her ass out. If the roles were reversed, there would be tons of posts on this thread advising "change the locks, hefty bag his shit, and leave it on the porch/lawn/garage".

Been here almost 6 years and it never fails - that is the advice given when blatant cake eating and disrepect is displayed by a wayward husband.

[This message edited by Chicky at 9:18 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Noturfan
♀ New Member
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The A shit sandwich has the best of us thinking craziness. YOU didn't screw anything up. Again, SHE had the A. You have every right to behave as you did.

I'm confused. It's bad for a WS to break trust but that then gives the BS every right to break trust? That doesn't sound right.

In now way does a WS ever have the right to have the A, but how does double standards help achieve R?

I'm not criticising confronting the OM. Everyone deals with the fallout differently. I'm questioning the hypocritical mindset.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 9:34 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone deals with the fallout differently. I'm questioning the hypocritical mindset.

You are wondering why the BS is being hypocritical?


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Chicky
♀ Member
Member # 18622
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see it as hypocritical.

I see it as consequences.

What's the saying - Every action has an equal and opposite reaction?

Spouse vowed to love, honor, cherish, and forsake all others. They broke that vow.

BS promised not to do anything. He broke a promise. No it wasn't "equal" but it wouldn't have been necessary had she behaved honorably.

Two wrongs don't make a right in any scenario but at least the scum that was confronted got to live and tell the tale.


Half of the truth is a WHOLE lie.

Posts: 534 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Red  Posted: 9:38 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Noturfan...

You have a PM.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197197 | Registered: May 2002
Noturfan
♀ New Member
Member # 41661
Default  Posted: 9:46 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys, sorry if my question seemed antagonistic. That wasn't my intention. Just trying to understand. Like I said, not criticising confronting the OM.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Dec 2013
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

she or I would have been out of the house for suggesting that one damn thing between her and OM wasn't my business.

ditto. If she has any hope of R, you have a right to know everything. She ended your marriage by having the A. You are offering the gift of R---she has to earn it.

Unfortunately, I do know exactly how you feel.
And it went on for 5 months after Dday.
WH would not stop contact with OW until I went to a lawyer & made an appt. with a D mediator.
You really have to shock her out of the fog & show her crystal clear that you will not tolerate this treatment, & let her see what it will be like when you walk away.

You can't "nice" a wayward (who is still in the fog) back.
Forget the anniversary party---do you really feel like celebrating the day she took marriage vows to be faithful & loyal to you, forsaking all others. I am 2 yrs 8 mos out & I still don't feel like celebrating our wedding anniversary. Definitely cancel the party.
The only thing that will save your marriage now is if you walk away.

I would tell her to get out, today. Let her go find some other place to live, since she is not putting you first.

[This message edited by mchercheur at 9:52 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1353 | Registered: Dec 2012
karmahappens
♀ Member
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 10:17 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just trying to understand

You have a betrayed man who lied to his wayward wife to find out the name of the person she is having an affair with.

This information should be offered to him, he should not have to use tricks to get the truth from her. He deserves to know WHO has been having sex with his wife, IMO. No matter how he gets the information.

She has declared war. She is carrying on an affair, still foggy and lying to him about it. She then has the balls to toss the trust word around?

Please, she gets zero consideration while the BS is trying to put the pieces of his wife's affair together with no real help from her.Creating a timeline in between her lies. No remorse or true understanding of the bomb that has exploded in his life.

IMO she is lucky all he did was go check him out.

I would have tossed her ass on the curb.

[This message edited by karmahappens at 10:19 PM, January 28th (Tuesday)]


“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, January 28th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's laid the terms out that I'm not to go anywhere near her work or continue to keep tabs on her phone etc.

or what?? She leaves??

Get an attorney. She needs a reality check. On what alternative universe does she gets to set the terms after she cheated. No remorse at all. No respect for you at all.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 491 | Registered: Apr 2009
Topic Posts: 47
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