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User Topic: Mistake or Choice?
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looking back, the word "mistake" gave me zero reassurance that my wife would not waver again. I needed to know why, and that the "why" was corrected. Incorrect beliefs lead to incorrect choices, not mistakes.

WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 778 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
♀ Member
Member # 27159
Default  Posted: 8:04 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH made a choice to cheat.

He did not 'mistakenly' lie to my face, that was his choice. He did not 'mistakenly' have sex with her, that was his choice. A very very bad one. For me the word mistake is not taking ownership of the choice to lie and cheat therefore not taking ownership of the A.

Each to their own but for me the word 'mistake' made my blood boil and it took quite a few heated discussions for him to get my point, and he has never used that word again.

BS (me)
3 amazing kids.
R - trying.
DDay - 06/11/09 MOW desperate fugly neighbor

Posts: 599 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: uk
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, January 29th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, along these lines- I. Hate. It. When my H says he made "a" mistake, or "a" choice.

All sorts of NOPE to that.

Every single time he e-mailed OW, that was a choice. A seperate, and individual stupid choice. Every minute he spent trolling the internet- all choices. He could have chosen at any moment to stop, but he didn't. Every single minute he spent was a wrong choice. Every single picture he sent. Every single minute he spent on the phone. Every single day for 6 months, until I found out. Every single time he yelled at me, blamed me, told me I was over-reacting. All choices, mistakes, whatever you want to call them. Every single time he trickle-truthed me, and every single day that passed that he didn't own up and tell me the truth.

Shit- when I was a kid, I broke my mom's lamp. Instead of coming clean right away- I buried it in the yard. When she found it, I was in trouble for breaking the lamp AND lying about it. Those were two "mistakes" or "choices" or "cons" or whatever word you like to use. It wasn't "a" anything. It was multiple.

When a WS makes the decision to cheat, it isn't a one second flash. It's an intertangled web of lies, deception, omissions, betrayal, repeted breaking of marriage vows, and utter disrespect. It's layers upon layers upon layers of this. Why do they think it is "a" mistake? Or "a" choice? It's thousands of choices, thousands of mistakes, thousands of cons. This is why I am particularly BAFFLED when I hear WS get frustrated that after a few months their BS is still hurt and upset.

When someone lies to you ONE time, it can take months to rebuild that trust. When someone lies to you every single day for an entire month- that is 30 lies. Plus whatever you did that you are lying about. When you look into WS- they carried on for years, months at a time. Sorry, but "a" mistake, or "a" choice just doesn't cut it. I want an apology for every single minute I was lied to. I want one for every e-mail sent, every picture, every single phone call. I want it recognized for what it is- a series, a saga, a million "mistakes." Not just one.

I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."

Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Topic Posts: 43
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