So, as some of you may know, I've been stuck in a cyclic behavior pattern for many months now. So stuck that I've gotten where I can almost predict how I'm going to be/feel from day to day.
Well, Friday or Saturday should have started a downhill turn. I was as ready for it as I could be. Saturday came and went. OK, so Monday is going to be crap, great. Monday came. It was a harder day, but I managed without the crippling need to just lay (my usual MO when I'm down). I did a couple things, small things, but things I would not have been able to accomplish. I went to bed last night with an almost palpable fear of what today was going to be like.
Today, woke up, had coffee and just felt weird. Not downhill weird either. After examining or feeling what this "weird" was, best I came up with was hope. Then, I became scared. Petrified. Full on fight or flight and I wanted to flight as fast as I could. I had a full blown panic attack. My world as I have known it changed a little and it SCARED THE PISS out of me. I had to take a pill it was so bad and I'm about as far from a pill taker as one can get.
Now why on earth would I even dare describe a panic attack as good? I had them daily in the beginning all the time to the point feared were I'd be when the next one would hit. Not uncommon for them to hit me in rush hour traffic. Not safe or good in the least. Well, I haven't had one in months. In fact, I can't even remember when I had the last one. Panic attacks are not part of my cycle. I guess I grew to feel safe knowing what to expect from my cycles even if it wasn't what I wanted. I KNOW I want something different and I've gotten it the last couple days.
I guess I'm just trying to say I'm happy right now in a very anxiety driven kind of way...if that makes sense.