WH has for the most part been a model husband/father since dday. He is more involved, more thoughtful, shows more affection and we've been spending a lot more time together as a couple. He is not defensive nor does he blame shift when we do talk about his A. Unfortunately the conversations are mostly one sided. I think he feels like he's already told me everything and that he doesn't have anything new to add so he just lets me vent.
Here is my issue. While he seems to "get it" he also doesn't seem to "GET IT". I feel the enormity of the betrayal and it shakes me to my core. We talk a lot about him doing the work and showing effort to figure out things on his end and what led him to make the poor choices that he did. I do think he has the basics figured out but I don't think he's done a lot of digging or at least he hasn't shared it with me. When I ask him if he thinks I'm expecting too much he tells me no, that he should be doing more but then I don't see it happening.
I just don't know what I should be expecting of him really. Sometimes I feel like I'm projecting on him what I think I would be doing in his situation. How do I figure out what is realistic and what is wishful thinking. I just feel stuck in a holding pattern now. I'm waiting for something from him that gives me that aha moment. The moment I know this is going to work, that we will get through this and I haven't felt it yet. He seems so sure that we will (and says so), and I want to feel that too.
Sorry this was so long. I'm having a hard time putting my feelings into words. There's so much more but I'll end it here.
So, I too look to H and think "are you doing enough?" And really, he is being great. . A model husband, and life would be perfect if it weren't for the ginormous cloud of pain that sort of hovers directly overhead, or sometimes just off int he distance. So, part if me is like, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO FIX THIS?!?" And while I think there are things that waywards need to do to make amends, etc. , I think that quite a bit of ot rests with me. Which sucks really, but Mr. Bionicgal can't " fix me."
If you think your H would benefit from a little more introspection though, the book Sexual Detours is quite good. It prompted my H write about his "why," and what he was thinking, and I think that was healing for both of us.
Glad to know I am not alone! ((AML04))
[This message edited by bionicgal at 6:50 AM, January 29th (Wednesday)]
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA/then PA
In MC & Reconciling
I edit, therefore I am.
H has read "How to Help Your Spouse..." but that's about it. He says he has a really hard time focusing long enough to get anything out of reading. His IC suggested "Where ever you go, there you are" to try to help him with this. I really want him to read "Not Just Friends" but unfortunately I don't think he will. If "Sexual Detours" got your H thinking, I'll highly suggest it!!
It sounds strange, but because we were so disconnected before and during his A, part of me loved the late night talks, the high emotions and really getting to know each other again.
This!!! I know pre-A we were both guilty of not really "seeing" the other person. Most of the time our conflict avoidance was meant with good intentions. However, immediately prior to and during the A I really felt abandoned without knowing why. I was feeling resentful so when I did talk to him it usually came from an angry place and pushed him further away.
Once I found out, we really started to connect again and I was enjoying that (when I wasn't feeling crushed by the unbelievable pain). Our MC starts 2/12, I'm hoping it helps us communicate better.
We were going through infertility treatments from 09-11 when I finally got pg with DS. I had a few miscarriages and had to go through 5 IVF procedures! Looking back now I defiitely see the how we both tried to bury our pain in our own way and took on the "just keep swimming" attitude.
His EA (sexting/semi-inappropriate friendship) started in early 2010. If I'm hearing him right he justifued it by telling himself it was just for "release". I think he still felt that way for a while but recently said it was a huge boost to his ego that someone would send pics like that to him. He absolutely thinks it was wrong but also says he didn't have any feelings for her until much later and that his only unhappiness with our M then was lax of sex.
I think I'm just rambling now. I have to realize I am not going to make any sense of this. It is all completely illogical to me. I just want him to make sense of it to himself and help me feel that he really understands so I can feel safe.
This morning I felt angry and resentful that he did this to us. We were best friends (or so I thought)! But I also felt bad about feeling bad...?
Last night I was at book club and all the women (they don't know) were saying how obviously great H and I are together, how they can see that we're best friends etc. I feel like I sat there like a deer in the headlights, I had no clue what to say.
Sorry, tangent. But thank you for posting this, helps to not feel so alone.
Funny that you bring up bookclub because that is now a trigger for me. He used to use that time to actually call her on the phone and talk to her because I wasn't there.
I also used to feel like we were best friends. Our disconnect happened so slowly that we didn't even realize it. By then neither of us knew how to fix it so we buried our heads and hoped it would get better once the stress of trying to have a baby was lifted.
In my digging I found out where they had sex for the first time. It was at an empty office park I'm her car. I have thought about going there a bunch of times but never did until today. Turns out only the building they parked at seems to be empty but there are other around and it was during the day. Not sure how I feel about this yet, I'm still processing it.
Frankie80 - Very similar situation here - we were best friends who started leading more and more independent lives after our son was born. I was a SAHM mom for a while, and still only work PT. My job was our kid, and my H's job was very demanding (with some travel) and 10 years later we found ourselves disconnected. The reconnecton since the A has been unexpected, and wonderful. . . in a crazy, painful way.
Morhurt - I have actually had friends joke about H being the least likely person they know to have an affair because we are so close. Even the AP seemed to envy our marriage (see where that got me?). We were not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but if there is any message I want to be able to give to friends, is that it can happen to almost anyone. It has been very humbling.
BG-I just ordered the book. Did you read it too? I read NJF soon after dday and it was very hard, I need to reread it. I just finished After the Affair but wasn't very impressed with a lot of it.
Having said that, I really struggle with the fact that my husband hasn't done IC beyond a few sessions last summer. He has done a lot of work on his own and with me, and I can tell from the things he tells me now and what he shares that he's really put some deep thought into "why" and lots of other questions. But I wonder if it'll be enough in the end, and my IC increases my anxiety by telling me that really the ONLY way for someone to address infidelity issues is through IC.
I feel really good about where we are and don't really even question that we'll be together anymore, yet I still think about what doing the work really means. And like you said, AML, am I projecting onto him too much...or do I need to trust that he's doing the work and give him the space and time to understand himself better?
Good to know I'm not the only one at this point in the journey who is asking these questions.
It is comforting to know others feel the same as me at this point. Thank you all so much for sharing your struggles on what was a rough day for me.
And don't be too worried about the ennui. . . I ended up asking some details tonight that just put me in a tailspin. Again. I think every time that this must be the deal breaker, and yet I recover. So far.
Well, to me eight months is a heck of a lot better that 5 and 6 months, so that means I'm healing, right? Plus, my post are only 50% crazy verses 90% of the past, so I will take that as progress!
I wrote in my journal recently that I have accepted that WH are on different healing paths. I view it as two trains on separate tracks, but heading in the same direction. Currently, I'm ahead of him on processing the A and my emotions. I was getting frustrated because he was lagging some of the concepts that I thought were important and that he didn't have the same type or strong of emotion that I did. I think he is picking up steam and maybe he will catchup or even pass me. I think there will be "plateau" times when it seems like nothing is happening, but maybe that means he's refueling or going to make a huge jump forward. Just as long as we don't go backwards! I will admit the plateaus are hard, because you do feel like your wheels are spinning.
WH joined SI and it has been very helpful. I can "see" what he is thinking and how he approaches topics. He is still really logical, but I'm hoping that will give way for more emotion. Also, we have it in common, so he will talk about the struggles in Waywards and how he can relate. It is strange because Im starting to gravitate away from SI and he is gravitating to it.
So there is my 8 month ramble! Sorry, I don't think I had anything of substance!
WH joined SI too but he doesn't really bring it up and he hasn't posted. I haven't pushed it because he says he's not comfortable with it. I do feel like someone needs to challenge him to do more things out of his comfort zone and I was hoping it would be his IC.