I had to write all of this out. I can say it helped a little though the pain is still crushing me. I have yet to send this to my WW. Still not sure that I should, but hell, I likely will. Anyway, I know not everyone knows our story and some of this needs background to make sense. That said, if this helps anyone here, then here goes:
"I told you before that I didn’t think I was nearly as angry as I should expect to be. I don’t know that I’m there now or that I’ve hit the potential for just how hurt a man can be. I told you that despite all this, I could never hate you. Hate is such a strong word, and one that I still don’t think I can apply to you. All that said, I have this avalanche of anger, frustration, despair, bitterness, angst and pent up rage that I need to start working out of me.
Let me promise you one thing as you read this. There is no way these words here can possibly cause you the pain that your actions have caused me. This is not an argument or up for debate – there is simply no way that you could possibly be feeling what I am feeling. This is a pain well beyond anything I’ve experienced. It’s like all the losses we’ve had over the years compiled into one and magnified 100 times over. You may find that as hyperbole, exaggeration or whatever, but I am not being overdramatic here. If you could step into my mind for just a minute, you’d be screaming to get out. I am stuck with it. There is no escape for me. My only reprieve is that time will lessen this little by little.
I will not say I have been the perfect husband. I know I have my ways of falling into routines, maybe even ruts. I maybe was too comfortable with you, took you for granted, took us for granted. After all, you are the foundation my life has been built upon. So, yes, when you put that much blind trust in something, maybe you should reevaluate and instead be always looking to continue to build that foundation. I could have invested more time into you, into us. I also could have been calmer at times myself, instead of saying some hurtful things to you out of anger that you honestly didn’t deserve. I will have to live with those regrets, and they are mine alone. However, there are 2 things that are absolute truths regarding your infidelity. There are 2 truths I must lean on if I am to ever get past this, if I am ever to erase the horrible images in my head of you giving yourself away to another and thus crushing the foundation we built. You did the one thing I told you 11 years ago that I couldn’t forgive.
1. This is NOT my fault. Regardless of everything, we never needed to get to this point. You wanted to stray and sacrifice our love.
2. I did NOTHING to deserve this pain.
Not only am I the victim, I get to live amongst the wreckage you created for me. I am still in our home surrounded by reminders and memories. I get to watch our dog continually look for you and cry for her mommy. Everything around me is a reminder of happier times. You’ve ruined so much of what I was. It’s in the little things, like I cannot go to the same grocery store anymore. I cannot eat the same foods. Hell, I can’t eat much at all. I cannot listen to music or watch TV. I can’t sleep. I have no drive or passion left. I feel like I’m just going through the motions with no identity of who I used to be. You did this to me. There are no offenses I committed toward you that are worthy of this punishment. And for it, you get to leave the situation while I’m left to wallow in it. I cannot turn it off. It is who I am now. I did NOT deserve this from the one I held above all others.
I honored our vows. When you were at your lowest, I stood by you. When our son was taken away while still in your womb, I went through that pain too, but I know it hurt you far more. How could it not? When we found out we’d likely never be able to have children of our own again, be able to see reflections of ourselves in a life we created, I was beyond devastated. But I still stuck by you. It wasn’t out of pity or duty. It’s not something I want a parade over or any special thanks. It was because starting a family with someone else would mean I wouldn’t be with you, and that was not something I could live with. I wanted you. I needed you. You are the one, and regardless of our family situation, I knew I could be happy with you and you alone if that’s what came of it. I thought we came out of that situation stronger than ever. I thought we were invincible. I was wrong. Apparently you did not feel you could be honest with me or work on whatever is troubling you, and I deserved so much better than that.
I start counseling next week. I will be getting back on anti-depressants likely this week. I need outlets for the pain you’ve caused me, and these are but baby-steps in that direction. You’ve mentioned being lost, feeling like you’re about to have a breakdown. I know what happened to our son and our hopes of starting a family has never found a resolution in you. How could it? I implore you to do the same as me – get into counseling. Work on a solution. Work on building your life back. Talking to your sisters, mom, and friends is great and all, but you need someone completely objective here. Let me stress NEED. Do it please. Not for me, but for yourself.
I don’t know how you still feel about this and it’s probably too early to know what will happen for sure, but nonetheless, we’ve talked about possible reconciliation. To rebuild that trust is a monumental task and one that will require a ton of work. As you work on you and have your space, I need you to take this to heart if there is even a remote chance of fixing this:
1. There can be no one else. No flings, no indiscretions, nothing. Whoever you were with needs to be out of your life. I cannot see it working any other way. I will not compete with anyone else in this regard, nor will I be the back-up plan if whatever you have on the side doesn’t work out.
2. You need to get counseling for you.
3. We need marriage counseling for us.
I hope you understand that despite all the immense and intolerable pain you have caused me, there is still a part of me that think’s you’re worth fighting for. Maybe it’s the memories of the woman I used to know. Maybe it’s that amongst the wreckage, I can still see a faint outline of the foundation we once built buried beneath the rubble. What I cannot have is someone who doesn’t 100% want to fix this. I cannot go through this again, assuming the pain I am under now ever does subside. I cannot have any reason to not trust you. I consider this no more commitment than what we expressed in our wedding vows. It won’t always be easy. For God’s sake I don’t know that it can be worse. I don’t need an answer now, but I will soon. I cannot remain in limbo waiting for the next shoe to drop or the next knife in my heart. For my own sake, I need to work through this and move on to build something resembling a life for me again. Despite all that you’ve done to damn near kill me, I haven’t shut the door on us. I haven’t started to write the next chapter of my life. When I do start to pen those first lines, it will either develop into a story of love renewed, or of broken man raising himself off the mat and attempting to move on with a new life and foundation. At least for the time being, the choice is yours."