Why the hell did I do this? Have any other WS done something similar and figured out a reason with counseling? I had no physical attraction to the guy, I feel nothing but contempt over him and the whole OEA.
[This message edited by rekindle at 3:57 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]
Occasionally I'll think of an old male friend, or even boyfriend, and think, I wonder how he's doing. But, I don't look them up. It's a matter of being firm in your boundaries. I ask myself, 'What will come of my looking him up?' I know I won't cheat again but in the scheme of my life, is it really necessary to look up a random guy who has no place in my life anymore?
Looking up songs is breaking emotional NC. To your BH, the NC has been broken and it hasn't been four years.
Finally, you HAVE TO stop lying. You can't leave anything out. Full transparency and truth 100% of the time.
"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."
You explained it well when you said I broke emotional NC. BH is furious with this new discovery and our chance at R is rockier than before. I feel awful and pray we can recover from this.
rekindle - Obviously the last part was untrue, but I have no recollection whatsoever of searching the song and I have no idea why I would even do such a stupid thing ..
Like AN said, the fact that you did do this, even if you can't remember the incidents, means you are guilty of breaking emotional NC. See the post http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=519532 on creating Indifference.
Think of it from your BS's perspective. You invested time and energy into the search. That would make it seem that you either still have feelings for the OM or you are still seeking the high of the A. Either way, you can't have reached emotional indifference.
In fact, if you really don't recall any details of when and how you breached NC, it would seem that your actions were more sub-conscious choices than a conscious decision and that is more worrisome. Not recalling details seems to indicate you were operating on automatic pilot, so to speak, letting your inner desires control your actions. Again, if this is the case, its a sure sign you are still holding onto something from the A which may benefit from examination in IC.
Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves - Henry David Thoreau
STEP 3 Ė Focus on your BS - Make a purposeful shift of your mental focus to your SO and your marriage. Most people only have room for one thing at a time and if your SO is taking up the space, then the AP canít come and take up space. Remind yourself daily of your commitment to your BS.
[This message edited by rekindle at 7:32 AM, January 30th (Thursday)]