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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: mind bending epiphanies
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"My subconscious made me do it!" could be a Wayward thread sometime soon.

When faced with multiple choices, it is human nature to choose the options we believe will improve us and causes us less pain. However, we do not always understand or believe we have other options. We not always understand or believe our choices are more self-degrading.

How about "My lack of understanding allowed be to believe having an affair was my better option." This would captivate me!

[This message edited by still-living at 7:51 AM, January 31st, 2014 (Friday)]


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 798 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"My subconscious made me do it!" could be a Wayward thread sometime soon.

YES! Every wayward thread should begin this way. Because it's true. That's what you're changing when you address your FOO issues and wayward mindset! You are changing the way your subconscious operates. Changing your perspective. Changing your desires. Changing your integrity. When you've seen the destruction that infidelity can have in your relationship it changes the core of you. It affects the subconscious. When you are truly remorseful and doing the work on yourself it changes your subconscious desires. That in turn will have an influence on your conscious decisions.

The subconscious is not an excuse!!! It is what underlies all of your decision-making. It is the reason. And FOO issues, coping skills, attitudes, and current circumstance all influence how your subconscious operates.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 284 | Registered: Oct 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dang Still-Living and RipsInChest......very insightful posts to this thread.

That whole "Subconscious--FOO issues"? I gotta say this resonates with me strongly.

From what I am learning over this past 18 months is that many of my wifes choices...conscious choices.....appear to have been born from her subconcious FOO issues at work within her.

This also is why I have anxiety about her reaching out to her sister for advice....because it will be inline with the mindset that set the stage for adultery to be choosen.

Seem like a big leap? It would be if there were not specific, identifiable interactions between them that speak to propogating those conditions that are needed for adultery to take place. Namely advice being given to "keep things a secret" and to "just ignore your feelings".

I am convinced there are times throughout our marriage that had my wife reached out to another person other than her sister she COULD have had healthier advice that MAY have influenced her to work on herself. Yes...that IS a big leap, but my point is there really was zero chance of working on FOO issues if your "support network" is one person with the same FOO issues.....which they are also "blind" to (subconsciously being influenced by).


Truthfully....my wife didnt reach out to people....even her sister was a last-resort person. Her sister operates the same way with my wife....has "dealt" with very tough stuff that my wife never heard about till years later.

This is one of the motivators for ME to work on my FOO issues. The things I have done, and still do, not only affect the quality of my relationship with my wife....it affects ALL of my relationships at some level.

Over the past 18 months I have seen my work relationships improve the most, followed by my relationships with my daughters, then with my wife.

I suspect my relationship with my wife is lagging because of the extreme stress her A has tied to it.

Anyway....really enjoying following this thread......helping me firm up some thoughts.....kinda along the same lines as my "Good hearted people with bad priorities make bad choices" thread....

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:59 AM, January 31st (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, wow, wow. This is a very good thread!

Loved what you wrote, Wert + Rips/Chest.

Thanks for starting it Morhurt!

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:05 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2610 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Subconscious mind influencing you to make conscious choices"

Just wanted to add that at the begining of this journey my Mom would have been much more willing to support my D of my wife than my decision to offer R. She was quick to support my brother on his D. She never stopped and examined her D from my Dad, nor did she spend any time examining her contribution to that unhealthy M (neither did my Dad for that matter).

I get that is a parents turn...to support their kids...but here is the interesting part of my journey that ties into this thread.


About 12 months into my journey my Mom asked me some questions as to how I am doing what I am doing. She was witnessing healing she didn't think was possible once a M got to the point ours had gotten to.

We had a very real conversation about FOO issues.

Specifically....my own contributions to an unhealthy M. By doing so I explained how that I found some of the motivation for my conscious outward actions were actually hidden in my subconscious....and were not nearly as healthy and "good" as I thought them to be.

From the outside, blakesteele looked like a model husband, daddy, man....as my outward conscious choices mimicked that of them. (this, by the way, is why I catch my breath when fellow SI members compliment me....I am NOW in the mode of exploring ALL of my choices...see if they are healthy motivation or unhealthy masking, coping. Yeah, I hope to move past this at some point...but still finding myself coping some.)

What made me re-think my motivations and underlying influences?

My shock and disgust over my conscious choices upon and immediately following my DD.

After months of counseling, reading and prayer.....I found very clear paths tracing back to my FOO issues.

So I have committed to uncovering as much of the root as possible and to work on that.

My wifes shock and disgust over her A was slower to come.....maybe 6 months post the last DD. Once she started to feel this....she, too, decided it was time to do some digging and explore her FOO issues.

This is the primary source of hope for our M, faith that we will learn to R and to be intentionally married.

Here is another silver lining of this all......both my Mom and my wifes sister are observing our actions and are nibbling at exploring "subconscious" influences inside themselves.

Great post.....thanks Morhurt.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:48 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love this concept
learn to R and to be intentionally married
Due to the fact that we had a shotgun wedding (I was 5 months pregnant) and our young-ness (22 and 24)... I think we forgot to be intentional. We now are intentional and it feels much better.

And I'm glad this thread turned out, I must admit I was nervous to post it.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 960 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
catlover50
♀ Member
Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting thread!

I also ponder that my H was rarely able to resist a brownie either (or a second glass of wine, another hour of X box, sleeping in rather than working out...). He was a master of justification and rationalization.

He is now aware of just how unselfaware he was.



Dday -9/24/2012
Reconciling

Posts: 1817 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
beyondbelief13
♀ Member
Member # 41080
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, November 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an insightful and healing thread. Thank you. I'm bumping in hope that someone else can benefit the way i have


BS: 60 WS: 55
DS: 19 DD: 11
M:25 years
Polygraph 4/27/13 revealed A #1 (ons)only 7 weeks after wedding and A #2 7 month love of his life A
*TT for 18 MONTHS... Damned It!!!
Reconciling? Divorcing? I guess only time will tell?

Posts: 52 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: California
Topic Posts: 28
Pages: 1 · 2

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