I am so sorry you are here but just know there are many people on this site that will be here for you through this horrible experience.
Just remember you didn't cause this. All on her. I know you love her, but you can not love her back to you. Be strong and don't beg, cry, or coddle her. Believe it or not you have to at least appear to be strong to your WW, even if you feel the opposite and cry in private. WW's will look down on a weak BS.
You don't have to make decisions immediately outside of protecting your health and financial accounts. See that lawyer asap. Many will come along here and fill in more details.
Read the healing library and the 180 in faq's.
[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:52 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]
I agree, this might not be the full story. Good for you for reaching out to a counselor for help. Remember: no matter what your W says this is NOT your fault. Sure, there might have been areas for improvement in your M and even in you but cheating is a coward's way out. This hurts so much so please post and let it all out. I'm so sorry you are here.
I'm almost a year out. Here's what you have going for you.
Your WW told you about the A. She ended it. She appears to regret it.
All of those are good starting points for reconciliation. So early after d-day, I'm not even sure that's something you're ready to even consider. You have a lot more pain to feel before you get to a place where you can make that decision.
If you can wait before making a major decision, please wait.
[This message edited by FeelingSoMuch at 10:34 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]
During a benefit fundraiser in November, she informed me that "this isnt working for her"..
I can guaran-damn-tee you that she was heavily involved with him in November. (at least)
1) Do you have any kids?
2) Do you live in a no-fault state?
3) How does she know the OM?
4) Does OM have a W?
Key to snapping her out of the affair is to gather evidence, expose, then confront.
Counselor - check
Attorney - check
Good work, information is power.
Hang in there brother. This process sucks no matter the outcome, but you WILL come through.
'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'
...life is short and she wants more out of life."
This is one of the many common lines of reasoning used to justify their behavior and decisions. I've seen the same "narrative" over on forums dealing with people in midlife crisis. Generally, that line is a result of someone involved in an affair. Someone has gotten into her head and fed her this bullshit. It could be the OM or her friends that she confides in who are NOT friends of your marriage. She didn't just come to this conclusion over night. That line of thinking was worked into her mind to unhook her from her vows to be in the marriage. Expect that she is/was involved deeply in an affair. She may still be in contact with the OM.
I maintain integrity and loyalty, but maybe its time to change. If I did ths, she'd throw me out of the house
Stay true to yourself. YOU are not the cause of this. There is a character flaw in her that is coming to the surface. You are correct in that she would throw you out of the house if the situation were reversed, which goes to show that:
1) She is a hypocrite
2) She is acting selfishly
She admitted to having sex with the OM. Don't forget to get tested for STD.
Time to do a 180. You are going to be making some very tough choices in this roller coaster you are now on and you need to make those decisions from a position of mental and physical strength.
Wishing you peace. You are not alone...and you are not a fool by any means. Know that and be proud of your behavior and who you are.
[This message edited by honorthywife at 12:52 PM, January 31st (Friday)]
Your do not have a warped sense of relationships. Your wife does. You aren't broken. Your wife is.
I agree that hate rots and destroys. She isn't worth you ruining your life. If she can't change. If she can't take responsibility and fix herself. You deserve better. That said, I am in the same boat as you that relationship scar. I was cheated on by my fiancÚ and my H. So it will be hard to trust MY instincts to choose someone. Let alone trust that there is one out there that could be attracted to a "old" woman with four kids and five grand kids. not to bring you down - but on the other hand. I cannot see myself alone the rest of my life. I am way to caring of a person to sit alone in my home after my last child moves out (he's 13). So maybe time will heal all wounds and scars. I was told that I should keep my mind and heart open, you never know who you will meet.
Heal first. Deal. Recover. Good luck and many hugs.
[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:56 PM, January 31st (Friday)]