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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Didnt See it Coming
honorthywife
New Member
Member # 42269
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wife informed me Monday that she "cheated" on me. Definition: had sex with another man three weeks ago, but"it only happened once and she ended it". During a benefit fundraiser in November, she informed me that "this isnt working for her".....what are you talking about? Evidently, she she has felt "alone" for some time...life is short and she wants more out of life." Communication issues began in 2010 after I returned from Iraq. Yes, things changed for me and I kept a lot in my head. I figured counceling was the appropriate route. We began in early December, went on vacation over the holidays, and returned to the grind. She betrayed me within a week of returning from vacation. Admittedly I am a bit stoic. People make bad decisions under the influence of irrational emotion. TADAAA here I am. I like to believe that Im bigger than this, but its devastating. Im hollow inside. BUT I still love my wife. Im a fool. I maintain integrity and loyalty, but maybe its time to change. If I did ths, she'd throw me out of the house. I see my councelor Friday then attorney Monday. This sucks... I

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: honorthywife
aero1122
♀ Member
Member # 41575
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sure does suck. I am 8 weeks from my d-day and still very lost and empty feeling. Right now you need to take care of yourself.
Has she taken responsibility for the A? Is she remorseful for her actions?

I am so sorry you are here but just know there are many people on this site that will be here for you through this horrible experience.

((Hugs))


Me-35
WH-36
Together 18 years
Married 7 years
2 kids
D-day 12-7-13
Both currently in counseling
Trying to R

I am a warrior!
I will survive and thrive!


Posts: 101 | Registered: Dec 2013
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Honor.

Just remember you didn't cause this. All on her. I know you love her, but you can not love her back to you. Be strong and don't beg, cry, or coddle her. Believe it or not you have to at least appear to be strong to your WW, even if you feel the opposite and cry in private. WW's will look down on a weak BS.

You don't have to make decisions immediately outside of protecting your health and financial accounts. See that lawyer asap. Many will come along here and fill in more details.

Read the healing library and the 180 in faq's.

Good luck.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 9:52 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]


Posts: 788 | Registered: Apr 2011
MomtoRoses
♀ Member
Member # 42271
Default  Posted: 9:56 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So very sorry. My only experience (and I'm new to all this) is that the first disclosure is most likely not the FULL disclosure. Be prepared.


i'm the bs
he is the wh.
7 ddays: affairs, online activities, ea, pa, longterm pa,longterm ea, one night stands.
I'm the last to know.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Jan 2014
badmedicine
♀ Member
Member # 41692
Default  Posted: 9:59 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi there,

I agree, this might not be the full story. Good for you for reaching out to a counselor for help. Remember: no matter what your W says this is NOT your fault. Sure, there might have been areas for improvement in your M and even in you but cheating is a coward's way out. This hurts so much so please post and let it all out. I'm so sorry you are here.


"The wishbone will never replace the backbone." -Will Henry
"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it." -Dorothy Parker

Posts: 205 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
coldshot
♂ New Member
Member # 40882
Default  Posted: 10:24 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honor,
Thank you for your service, much respect. Sorry you are here... it sucks real hard. Sucks the life out of you, at least at first. I found out my wife betrayed me too, 6 months ago. From my own sweet 7 year old daughter. Horrible, but I am surviving and will actually come through this a better man. You will too my friend. Your stoicism may serve you well here... Make sure you eat healthy and drink water, talk to your lawyer and counselor, do not believe any bullshit she lays on you about how this is in any way your fault. She is dishonorable, selfish, broken. You are not a fool to love your wife. She is a fool to betray you so callously.
You will make it through this, no doubt. It will not be easy, it never is for those of us who are loyal and loving. Maintain your integrity, shift your loyalty--- to you. This is about you right now, not her, not the two of you. Perhaps she will reconsider, maybe she won't. It will take work on her part, and not just words. Regardless, immediately focus on yourself, and kids if you have them.
There are many great people on here who will help you, listen to you, give advice...
Allow yourself to feel the pain, grief, the anger and slog through it. It sucks, but don't let it break you. Fuck that.
If you feel it is best, throw her ass out. There are consequences for her actions.


"The liar's punishment is, not in the least that she is not believed, but that she cannot believe anyone else." -- George B. Shaw

Posts: 46 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: coldshot
Julez
♂ New Member
Member # 42272
Default  Posted: 10:31 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to meet you here. I know your pain because I am living it right now too. I just found out today about my wife.
I'm in no position to help or offer advice but all I can say is I know how you feel.


BS (me) 42
WS (her) 46
D-day January 30, 2014
Married 18 years
Together for 20 years
Three children 5, 8 and 15.
Also have a 24-yr old step daughter.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Southern Ontario Canada
FeelingSoMuch
♂ Member
Member # 38814
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hang in there. The best advice going around here is to not make any life-changing decisions too close to d-day.

I'm almost a year out. Here's what you have going for you.

Your WW told you about the A. She ended it. She appears to regret it.

All of those are good starting points for reconciliation. So early after d-day, I'm not even sure that's something you're ready to even consider. You have a lot more pain to feel before you get to a place where you can make that decision.

If you can wait before making a major decision, please wait.

[This message edited by FeelingSoMuch at 10:34 PM, January 30th (Thursday)]


Me: BH
Her: WW
Together since 2001, married since 2007.
D-day: Feb. 20, 2013.
Broke NC: 2 phone calls since
Today: In MC and IC, attempting R.
It got easier: They no longer work together.

Posts: 509 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Canada
BAB61
♀ Member
Member # 41181
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 30th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((honorthywife))) - I feel your pain, my STBX is military and used his TDY's and deployments to act single. Thank you very much for your service. Stoicism is a military member's stock in trade. Counseling will help. If you are dealing with PTSD you have a long road ahead of you. Make sure you drink water, exercise every day (even if it's just a 10 min walk) and focus on getting yourself healthy. It does suck!! There are lots of people on SI that can attest to that!!


Boss A** B*tch
BS/52 Me, STBXpos/56, dd's 16&14
1st D-day 10/19/2013 EA/PA
2nd D-day 12/7/2013 LTA/Rendezvous
S 12/7/2013 No-fault state, 6 mo S, counting down the days.

Posts: 1271 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: DE
I think I can
♀ Member
Member # 17756
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

During a benefit fundraiser in November, she informed me that "this isnt working for her"..

I can guaran-damn-tee you that she was heavily involved with him in November. (at least)


I'm not the winner, I'm the prize.

Posts: 8811 | Registered: Jan 2008
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Questions for you:

1) Do you have any kids?
2) Do you live in a no-fault state?
3) How does she know the OM?
4) Does OM have a W?

Key to snapping her out of the affair is to gather evidence, expose, then confront.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
ForwardMotion
♂ Member
Member # 32608
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

honor - sorry you are here, this trainride sucks but the passengers in this particular car are a good bunch.

Counselor - check
Attorney - check

Good work, information is power.

Hang in there brother. This process sucks no matter the outcome, but you WILL come through.

Peace.


me - BH

'It's not the end of everything,
It's just end of everything you know.'


Posts: 407 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Tejas
Jduff
♂ Member
Member # 41988
Default  Posted: 9:15 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

...life is short and she wants more out of life."

This is one of the many common lines of reasoning used to justify their behavior and decisions. I've seen the same "narrative" over on forums dealing with people in midlife crisis. Generally, that line is a result of someone involved in an affair. Someone has gotten into her head and fed her this bullshit. It could be the OM or her friends that she confides in who are NOT friends of your marriage. She didn't just come to this conclusion over night. That line of thinking was worked into her mind to unhook her from her vows to be in the marriage. Expect that she is/was involved deeply in an affair. She may still be in contact with the OM.


I maintain integrity and loyalty, but maybe its time to change. If I did ths, she'd throw me out of the house

Stay true to yourself. YOU are not the cause of this. There is a character flaw in her that is coming to the surface. You are correct in that she would throw you out of the house if the situation were reversed, which goes to show that:

1) She is a hypocrite
2) She is acting selfishly

She admitted to having sex with the OM. Don't forget to get tested for STD.

Time to do a 180. You are going to be making some very tough choices in this roller coaster you are now on and you need to make those decisions from a position of mental and physical strength.


Divorced - 5/23/14
Already in my New Beginning - :)

Posts: 449 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: texas
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is a slap in the face when they betray you as you are trying your best to work on the marriage. You are on the right track to focus on yourself and your needs here by seeing a counselor and a lawyer. As others have said, you may well find out that this was not a one-time thing, so prepare yourself to handle the worst and take care of yourself. You do not deserve this. Keep your integrity and loyalty, but focus them on yourself right now, not on her. You seem very strong--you can get through this, but also be forgiving of yourself if the emotions sometimes overwhelm you. It can be good to feel the feelings though numbness is your friend in the initial period of shock.

Wishing you peace. You are not alone...and you are not a fool by any means. Know that and be proud of your behavior and who you are.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4089 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
honorthywife
New Member
Member # 42269
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the insight. I see my counselor in a few minutes. Obvoiusly there are varying perspectives base on situation. I agree that I need to focus on me. Hell...who knows, this might prepare me better for a futre wife. With that said, if my wife of 23 years can do this, then how can I ever trust another? I legitimately worry about that scar. I believe in treating people, spouses particularly, with the utmost respect and dignity. I wonder if I am too much of an idealist and have a warped sense of what relationships should be. This is off tangent, but thoughts that I am processing just the same. I appreciate the support in the fact that this is not my fault. Ironically, I am receiving tremendous support from my father in law. This is truely bizarro world. What doesnt kill us makes us stronger. I cant hate.....its a wasted emotion and destroys from within. Thank you all!

[This message edited by honorthywife at 12:52 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: honorthywife
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 2:00 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honorthywife -

Your do not have a warped sense of relationships. Your wife does. You aren't broken. Your wife is.

I agree that hate rots and destroys. She isn't worth you ruining your life. If she can't change. If she can't take responsibility and fix herself. You deserve better. That said, I am in the same boat as you that relationship scar. I was cheated on by my fiancÚ and my H. So it will be hard to trust MY instincts to choose someone. Let alone trust that there is one out there that could be attracted to a "old" woman with four kids and five grand kids. not to bring you down - but on the other hand. I cannot see myself alone the rest of my life. I am way to caring of a person to sit alone in my home after my last child moves out (he's 13). So maybe time will heal all wounds and scars. I was told that I should keep my mind and heart open, you never know who you will meet.

Heal first. Deal. Recover. Good luck and many hugs.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
Imagemaker
♀ New Member
Member # 42289
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't see it coming either. I've been with my husband for 9 years but we only married in June of '13. I finally agreed because we thought it would help him get more time with his son if we were married. I love him so I did that for him. I have noticed that he spends too much time on the computer and so I did something I NEVER do. I got on his computer and turned on a tracking tool. Two days later I found he was on at 4 different datings sites and Craig's List. It's been going on for 3.5 years with about 12 actual partners. Most of them were one time, but he had a FBuddy for about a year. The woman is nasty. Skanky. I am a professional, very competent, strong and outearn him by about 10 times. I busted him. He confess to only what I found out. I changed his passwords on all of his accounts and spent days pouring through them. If found many things to which he did not confess. After a week of finding all new things, I filed for divorce. Where I live you can file a 60 day divorce if there are no kids and no shared property. My court date is in February. He still lives here (in my house) and we are seeing a counselor, but I'm not going to be his bitch while he plays. He says he'll never do it again and he is so sorry. I cried for the first month and could not even go to work. It's been 2.5 months now and I'm getting stronger every day. I am starting to think I can live without him, and I know I can. I just don't want to. But now that I'm stronger and time has passed, I'm realizing that I can live without him. Time is the key. You need to get 2 months out and start living your life without her. Even if you have to fake it sometimes. She'll either come around or you'll move on. He is wanting me to forget and forgive, but I'm not so sure I even want to at this point. I may just chalk this up to a great 9 years with him (only 6 of which where he was loyal) and move on. Be strong and give this time. Do not be a whipping boy and do not beg. Best wishes.


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: TN
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like how image-maker is handling things..Once you get your life the way you want it in this situation, plan for the long term.. Rebuild your life so that if this M doesn't work, you will still thrive with or without romantic relationships..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 7:56 PM, January 31st (Friday)]


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Nov 2011
honorthywife
New Member
Member # 42269
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Met with attorney....divorce is expensive. Equal distribution seems a bit unfair. Tried to share my perspective that shes had years and months to process relationship and elevate to adultry. She still insist that sex isnt what she was looking for. Hmmmm....impact v intent. She says I need to get with it because she is trying to be "normal" again. WTF is normal?

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: honorthywife
Topic Posts: 19

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