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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Forgiveness, how I got there
Monsterslayer
♂ Member
Member # 23360
Default  Posted: 1:59 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiveness

What I have learned

Forgiveness is a gift I give myself...

Forgiveness does not have to be about the person I am forgiving. It can be motivated out of love and strengthen us both, or it can be about moving on and strengthen the me...

Forgiveness says you wronged me and owe me a debt you can never repay, so rather than living my life expecting you to pay, wanting/needing you to pay, bitter because you can't pay or angry because you don't (or won't) acknowledge the debt you owe me, I choose to forgive it. I have to pay your debt regardless...

Forgiveness allows me to move on with my life in a healthy way. With or without you. You can chose to cherish my gift of forgiveness, or distain it, it's up to you...

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, condoning, accepting that what you did was right or pretending it didn't happen. It does not mean we can never talk about it again...

Forgiveness means I choose not to hold it against you...

Please don't ask for forgiveness, that is a presumption on me. I makes me feel cold and mean spirited when I can't forgive you, or manipulated when I do and I'm not ready. It's a place I have to come to on my own without you asking...

If you need forgiveness go to God, or your higher power and ask Him...

If you must ask me for forgiveness, please do this first... It will help...


Apologize

This is what I need to hear...

"I acknowledge that I hurt you when I (fill in the blank)...

FORGIVE ME. (Long pause... no other words here, no excuses, reasons, minimizing or deflections)

I want to make amends, what can I do to start this process? (Scary question, can you ask it?)

To recommit, I will make my best effort to do what you ask starting NOW."

If you can't or won't make this apology, don't ask for my forgiveness...

I can get there without you...



Me BH 49 her FWW 49
Dday June 2, 08
Married 22 yrs at time of A

Posts: 197 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Canada
BeautifulEmpty
♀ Member
Member # 38763
Default  Posted: 2:15 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Forgiveness says you wronged me and owe me a debt you can never repay, so rather than living my life expecting you to pay, wanting/needing you to pay, bitter because you can't pay or angry because you don't (or won't) acknowledge the debt you owe me, I choose to forgive it. I have to pay your debt regardless...

This is what I've not been able to understand. I've turned the jewel of forgiveness over and over...looking at all the facets but just not seeing it all or being able to put it all together...and there it is:

I choose to forgive it. I have to pay your debt regardless...

Thank you so much!


Me: 42 BS
Him: 38 ws
Ow: 44 head case, no obs
5 DD's: 21, 18, 17, 15, 10
Last D-day: August 2012 with lots of very blurry lines.

Posts: 264 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Washington State
HoldOnHope
♀ New Member
Member # 41163
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What BeautifulEmpty said!!

Thank you, Monsterslayer, for putting these thoughts into words for me. The line that BeautifulEmpty referenced brought me to tears. Six months post Dday and I am fighting against forgiveness...against his debt I have to pay regardless.

Thank you for this post.


BS(me) - 29
WH - 31
Married in 2010
2 year old son
D-Day: July 23, 2013
6 months post Dday and I learn he actually started cheating on me before we were married.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: US
Monsterslayer
♂ Member
Member # 23360
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BeautifulE and Holdon;
I'm glad it helped, it took me a while to understand myself, then I couldn't articulate it. Recently I have had a situation arise in my life where a family member (not FWW) wronged me in a horrible way, then asked for my forgiveness. I have healthy boundaries now so I am able to deal with it differently than I would Pre A, however my thoughts coalesced last night and I thought I would share. I'm glad it came across the way I intended and not preachy...

[This message edited by Monsterslayer at 10:11 AM, January 31st (Friday)]


Me BH 49 her FWW 49
Dday June 2, 08
Married 22 yrs at time of A

Posts: 197 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Canada
Howie
♂ Member
Member # 41922
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

and as a practical matter, there is NO revenge you, as a faithful person, can perform that will never equal the hurt done you. Nothing will ever "equal", say the pain of recalling the beloved person, smiling, looking you full in the face and lying.Even if you could do that, bring yourself to do it, it is not the same. They aren't innocent- and know it. They,the betrayers,will never feel the horror you felt. As a practical matter, forgiveness is best--for you, reconciliation or no reconcilement. If you can...

Posts: 183 | Registered: Jan 2014
lordhasaplan?
♂ Member
Member # 30079
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great stuff,
Forgiveness says you wronged me and owe me a debt you can never repay, so rather than living my life expecting you to pay, wanting/needing you to pay, bitter because you can't pay or angry because you don't (or won't) acknowledge the debt you owe me, I choose to forgive it. I have to pay your debt regardless...

That is why they call it Grace


D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10).
No life should be passively relinquished due to the toxicity of others and taking steps to protect yourself may very well be the most important steps you will ever take.

Posts: 1909 | Registered: Nov 2010
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:28 AM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Like, Monsterslayer. Thanks for sharing, I am sure it will help many. I think I will share this post with FWH.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9799 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Katz13
♀ Member
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Exactly what I needed to read today. Thanks for the gift.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Putto
♀ Member
Member # 38261
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to pay your debt regardless


This has just smacked me in the face like only something so honest and true can. Thank you and wonderfully put.


I don't say much but I lurk around a lot. Thank you for baring your souls here, you've said the words I couldn't find and you've helped me heal more than I can say.

Me - BS
Him - FWS, serial long term EAs


Posts: 71 | Registered: Jan 2013
alleyk
♀ Member
Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 2:02 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes. Thank you for this.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 10

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