[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 1:27 PM, January 31st (Friday)]
Basically right now your BF has the best of both worlds - two women fighting over him, stroking his ego, and meeting his needs. Why would he cut the ow out of his life voluntarily? It was only when I said to my WH "I love you and I want to be with you more than anything, but a relationship is for two people only so as long as COW is in your life I cannot have you in mine" (and truly meant it) that he made the decision to cut her out of his life. You will here people say you have to be willing to lose your relationship to save it, and that was 100% true in my experience.
We are going into our first therapy session together in a week & half, they doctor asked me to think of things I want to ask my WS. I am not sure what I want to know besides, Does he want this relationship? Will he find a new job? Am I worth it?
We currently, I would say NOT TOGETHER or even R. We were R or supposedly I thought we were a couple of weeks ago until he said he needed some more "time".
Are there any suggestions on questions to ask?
Something that really helped me was reading "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Also, check out the healing library - see the link in the little yellow box in the upper left side of the screen. It has great articles and BS FAQs that are very helpful.
[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 4:56 PM, January 31st (Friday)]
I understand the roller coaster of emotions. When I first found out about his affair I wanted to try MC. At the first session my BF detailed problems with our relationship but didn't say one word about his cheating. When I brought that up he said it "didn't matter." That was the last time we went to counseling together, I continued on my own. I realized that I didn't want someone who would treat me like that no matter how long we had been together. I kicked him out of the house and implemented the 180. That woke him up.
Please take care of yourself first. If you don't, no one else will. You deserve to be treated better. Whether your BF will step up and be that man for you is up to him.
[This message edited by BrokenPiecesofMe at 9:04 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]
Prepare a list of my "demands" (needs, but really non-negotiable ones). They would likely include going NC with the COW immediately (specifically writing her a NC letter, with me keeping a copy, changing his phone number, closing social media accounts), finding a new job ASAP, getting into IC/MC, and committing to our relationship 100% (which in your case might be with some kind of timeline for getting married). As Tennis mentioned, reading things like "Not Just Friends" would be helpful, as would other books about how he can help heal this situation.
When he has agreed to your list of required items, I could continue to go to MC/etc. I would not let him move back in until he had shown me significant progress in attitude and behavior, especially with the required items. Again, this is all what *I* would do.
You could present this to him at your MC appt or ahead of time, whatever you're more comfortable with, but it has to be firm. You have to stop feeling guilty for looking at his phone/bill/etc. He has given you absolutely no reason to trust him, or to believe he wants to stay in this relationship with you. Until he knows how serious you are, he will try to milk the situation to his advantage, and will stay in the fog.
Sorry you're having to go through this. Take care of you, especially, and read/post often. There's a really good bunch of people here.