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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: It happened this time last year... Should I be mad he went out?
lilmonkey
♀ New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 10:46 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I can't tell if I'm over exaggerating or if this was actually disrespectful. I am close to a year post D-Day (march) but the actual TNS (two-night stand) occurred this exact weekend last year (February 1st weekend). We are in a very good place in R, he has done everything he can to make me happy, but he knows I am still pretty insecure - especially this weekend. I made it very clear to him that this weekend would be a huge struggle for me because it was literally this exact weekend last year where I was hanging out at home, texting him, and he was away with OW hooking up and texting me saying I was the only girl he fancied. Now that I look back on it, I feel embarrassed, ashamed, afraid. He knows that.

I told him I didn't know what I wanted this weekend - if I wanted to see him and make this weekend a different memory, or if I wanted to keep my distance from him to prevent any triggers or getting upset/crying/emotional - just have my breathing space to process it has been a whole year. He said he understood and he will always there for me tonight and tomorrow if I need someone to talk to, or just to hangout and try and make this weekend a different memory for us. I said okay.

Later tonight, we are texting and he asks me what I'm doing. I say I'm just at my place hanging out with a girl-friend, and he proceeds to tell me, casually, that he is at a bar with some guys and they have been to 2 bars that night. He said it as if it was totally okay, as if he didn't know it would offend me.

I don't know if I'm over reacting but I am honestly extremely offended and feel disrespected. This is the one weekend where I have felt most insecure about our relationship - I have been replaying the memories of last year over over and over again. The memories are still so fresh in my head. We even had sex on Thursday night, and it reminded me of when we had sex Thursday night last year of this very weekend and then he cheated on me a day later. I cried during our sex after I triggered and I told him how I felt and he was very understanding. But now, he goes out with his buds to a bar when he knows I am sulking in miserable memories because of his actions? I just don't get it. Where is the common sense? I know I didn't say "please don't go out tonight" or "lets make plans later" but I just thought it would be common courtesy to not go out on the weekend anniversary that you cheated on your significant other, especially since his cheating started out by going to a bar with OW two nights in a row.

Am I over-exaggerating? I have given him one-worded answers over text because I don't know how to respond to him right now. Some of my friends say it is disrespectful, and he should know not to do that when I am at my most vulnerable. Other friends have said that we didn't make any plans and therefore it's not justifiable that I'm mad.

Any advice or tips on this? I always feel like I am over-reacting to these kinds of things and I don't know where the line is...


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
hurtingfool
♂ Member
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd be mad too. I'd expect that if they were working on it, they wouldn't have to be told to not do something like that on the DDay anniversary.

If it were me, I'd ruin her(my WW) night and make her come over. Wouldn't do anything with her physically, maybe even have a long discussion on why they thought it was okay to recreate the scenario from last year. But that is me thinking in the now. I'll find out how I do next year.

I don't think you are overreacting at all.


Me: BS 31
Her: WS 29
10 years of marriage
12 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
Trying2Survive1
♀ Member
Member # 40022
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UGH, so sorry this is happening to you. I would be mad too! However, you can't expect another to read your mind or feelings and always know what you need. You'd think common courtesy, but WTF?

If it were me, I'd ruin her(my WW) night and make her come over.

I'd do the same, but tell him I need the closeness and reassurance that his physical presence would bring. Friends can leave when he gets there and no sex if you just want to be held.


Madhatters, M 31 yrs
FWW/BS 57-BS/FWH 56
Separated 5 mos in 07.His DDay,11/07.False R since 07. My DDay,7/5/13."Once you are real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always.
― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit

Posts: 128 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: United States
hurtingfool
♂ Member
Member # 42196
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but tell him I need the closeness and reassurance that his physical presence would bring

yeah, I didn't clarify, that part. I mean of course you don't say that I am gonna ruin your night get over here. I like the way you put it.


Me: BS 31
Her: WS 29
10 years of marriage
12 years together
3 kids
DDay:January 16, 2014

Posts: 129 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NW US
mainlyinpain
♀ Member
Member # 39134
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, January 31st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are right to feel the way you do and it is at the very least insensitive of him to be at the bars, the same place he was this time last year.
And he should have run that by you before, not sprung it on you when he was at his third bar.
And would it kill him to have sent you flowers or something?
Really, it would have been nice for him to have been especially attentive, understanding, sympathetic, empathetic.....


DD 1 - 7/7/2004
DD 2 - 10/31/2011
DD 3 - 4/30/2013(or continuation?)(Yes)
DD 4 - 9/25/2013
DD 5 - 2/15/2014 (found phone from 2009)

Posts: 489 | Registered: Apr 2013
lilmonkey
♀ New Member
Member # 41682
Default  Posted: 10:26 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for the support, it is crazy how much support can make me feel more confident in my decisions.

I sent him a long text describing how I felt, how it was insensitive, esp. on d-day anniversary. He responded this morning apologizing a million times, saying he didn't think about it like that and he only went out with the guys yada yada. Then he repeated himself and said if you want to talk or hangout today, let me know.

I don't really know what or how to respond. I'm still pretty offended by his actions, I was in a really dark place because of him last night and I don't want to just see him today to "hang out" and then voila everything is better and he forgot he messed up.


Posts: 44 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 6

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