He poofed. He just up and freakin poofed on me. We went from talking almost daily to him coming home on rotation and us going out last Friday night and having a great time. I get a text the next day to the effect of stuff is happening with his kids and we need to talk and he'd call me on his way to cert school on Sunday. And I reply sure, knowing that he was in cert school the next three days but feeling confident that as always, he'd call, since he said he would. Then NADA. Zilch. Haven't heard from him since Saturday morning when I got the whole we need to talk text.
Which washed all over me. I have never, EVER had a positive conversation that began with 'we need to talk' first of all. And second, one of my pet peeves is if you say you're gonna do something, then do it. Actions matching words is a huge thing for me given what I've been through. And, it's just common courtesy if nothing else. I waited until Thursday morning then texted him. No response.
So, I'm done. Basically emailed him tonight and said while I don't expect to be placed above his kids AT ALL, and that I hope they're okay, I do expect the common courtesy of not being left in the dark indefinitely....especially since he told me on our date that he was 'falling in love with me'....What? You're gonna say that and the very next day tell me 'we need to talk' and then poof? What a dink.
Moral of the story in summary form - My 'picker' is definitely still broken; however, the silver lining if there is one is that it only took about a month to realize hey, I'm not cool with X and Y going on, continuing this is not good self-care, and moving on.
NEWBIES - LISTEN to the elders - Even if like me you don't wanna hear it. They've BTDT and are trying to help you. I didn't listen, and I got hurt...
FIRMLY back on the 12-month plan!
[This message edited by PhoenixRising88 at 11:23 PM, January 31st (Friday)]
Divorce final 2/10/14.
Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.
Sorry you're going through that now, it's sucky.
The love-bombing did seem to be a bit much right off the bat.
Thought he was different. SOOOO not any different than the other dinks I've somehow managed to collect over the years!
What is you 12 month plan?
The thing that gets me is - All he had to do was follow through a little bit. Just call and talk to me and tell me what's going on. That's it. Simple to do. You've changed your mind? Fine, it happens. It might have hurt to hear but at least I'd know, you know? The way I'm wired I'd rather hear bad news than just be left in the dark wondering WTF.
But he couldn't be bothered I guess.
Don't be too hard on yourself -- almost no one listens, thinking their experience will be different. I think it's a human-wiring thing. Be proud that you realized what's going on and will come out stronger having learned this lesson.
He is almost certainly going to contact you and use pretty words to explain what happened. Perhaps he'll claim that he was overcome by his emotions of falling in love with you that he retreated for a bit. Or maybe he'll have some excuse with his kids as to why he couldn't spare 5 seconds during the week to send a quick text. Just something to think about so you can figure out how you want to react (or not -- I'd go crickets on this fishing attempt.)
I'm sorry you're hurting. Just remind yourself that after what you've survived, you know you'll get through this as well.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
Sorry you have to experience this. I'm not sure it really means your picker is broken, just that people with problems can show up anywhere, acting any way, and say all the "right" things, and still be people with problems.
Many of us have been where you are, having to admit that it was too soon, which I suppose is the thing that qualifies us to be the "wise" ones.
Enjoy the next 12 months of focusing on fabulous you!
"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
You are human and you are allowed to make mistakes. I think he has behaved appallingly and anyone who could act like that is no friend.
I'm on the one-year plan and since no one has asked me out it is proving easy to stick to. But t is helpful to learn that there are good reasons for avoiding even close male friendships.
I'm sorry this happened to you. He's a jerk but sadly they are not obligated to have that tattooed on their foreheads.
Help guys... Help me..... I'm sitting here in tears...I need to get stuff done for my class and I m crying so hard I almost can't see keyboard..
Why couldn't he just follow through? I don't understand it, I just don't. And he knew what I've been through. He knew it. I shared it.
It's all I can do not to built the walls around me ten times bigger and stronger and just retreat into myself and never come out again...
"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley
You learned some valuable lessons here. It's not that your picker is broken. You should not have been picking to begin with. You filed for divorce TWO months ago. But not a word on how that is going. That should be your primary concern right now, not pursuing a relationship him.
Haven't mentioned my divorce process because it's going just like it should be. Final hearing a week from tomorrow at 8 am. Everything was agreed to, no fuss, no drama. That part's pretty much over and done with. Nothing left for me to do there except show up in court; STBX killed off any feelings months ago.
And for the record - I didn't actively pick, Sean. That hurts that you said that. Actively picking is signing up for dating sites, etc. You've kinda make it sound like I went 'hey I just left a crappy sitch, I'm not mortally wounded enough, let me run right out and get involved with someone new'... I wasn't looking AT ALL when Jay and I reconnected. But I am human and was dumb enough to lower the shields. It's a mistake I won't repeat ever again.
Leave him alone and let him sort out his own post divorce life also. The two of you probably aren't broken...just heart broken. There's a difference.
Agreed. The problem with his kids is, his Ex had a full on very public meltdown in front of them when she realized he'd had a date with someone, made them cry, they're looking at him saying 'dad can't you fix this'. The kids (15 and 13) want their parents back together. Which is what all kids want. Whether he returns to that relationship to make his kids happy again is completely his choice. Totally get that, want no part of that drama. Also wouldn't wish that scenario on anyone.
But there's still such a thing as common courtesy.
...especially since he told me on our date that he was 'falling in love with me'.
You say a lot of things that contradict yourself. You don't have to be actively on a OLD site to be interested in dating someone. Many of our relationships begin when we aren't looking for them. But you said yourself you were on a date with him. Maybe I misunderstood.
You've kinda make it sound like I went 'hey I just left a crappy sitch, I'm not mortally wounded enough, let me run right out and get involved with someone new'
I'm sorry, and gentle here, but that's exactly what it sounds like to me in reading everything you've posted about this guy.
As far as his actions, this week he may have realized that he needs his own time and is too scared or confused to tell you. So he's shut down. Give him some time and he'll come around. Maybe not to get involved further in a relationship with you, but at least to explain what he's been feeling. My gut tells me he's realized that he's not ready for this. And that he needs to concentrate on his children right now. I guaranty you that they need his support more than you right now. And that's a good man and father right there.
As far as his actions, this week he may have realized that he needs his own time and is too scared or confused to tell you.
I'm guessing this ^^^ is true.
It sucks for both of you, but if he's on the receiving end of ex-drama, he's probably just putting all his energy into putting out that fire.
Which doesn't make him an asshole. He's probably just in survival mode and has no clue what to do.
You both moved too quickly and you both got burned.
I do sincerely hope that they're okay, but also that he's okay. He has a tremendous amount of stuff to wade through and deal with. Hopefully at some point his world will calm down enough and he'll be able to at least let me know that he's at least physically okay. (His health is not the best, four heart attacks to date, and all this can't be helping that much).
As for me? Return focus to work, and this God-awful statistics class I have to get through for my MBA, and start the house-hunting thing once next week's paperwork is complete, and continue the IC and self-work. And for the foreseeable future, run really hard in the other direction from any man showing any interest at all.
I am more broken than I thought.
this God-awful statistics class I have to get through for my MBA
You can do this!
This class BLOWS. There's really no other word for it. Just finishing up week 2, it's a six week online class so a LOT of moving pieces since it's cramming a semester's worth of info into such a short timeframe. Add to that the fact that I have never, ever been good at algebra-type stuff, and yeah, I'm sooo gonna Snoopy dance if I manage to pull out a B in this course. Right now I have a 100 coming out of Week One, the best I can do Week Two is an 84 (bombed the quiz) which will put me at a 94 cumulative going forward. Thank God for the discussion questions!
As far as his actions, this week he may have realized that he needs his own time and is too scared or confused to tell you. So he's shut down
Maybe. But we are discussing a grown adult here. Not a teenager. And being an adult means doing the right thing even when it feels uncomfortable.
All this guy has to do is sit down and write a short explanatory email to Phoenix. Assuming it is too uncomfortable for him to call. He was apparently her friend and he has treated her very poorly.
Not communicating when you have promised to is at best rude. Personally I think it is an awful way to treat someone.
Our own fears and insecurities don't give us a pass on hurting other people. And neither does having children. If he's such a great Dad, that includes teaching his children to treat other people with kindness and respect.
I have children. I have a job. I have a load of trauma in my life. But none of that means I can drop people out of my life without any thought for their feelings.
[This message edited by jemimapd at 1:26 PM, February 2nd (Sunday)]