Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: wwfsmd (44889)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Identity and Growth all at once
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 1:33 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on another thread, but I wanted to start a little discussion about BS change and growth and how though good, a lot ALL AT ONCE!!!!!

....
I notice that as a BS there as soooo many changes going on inside me...it is even a matter of a struggle with identity...I was someone with him...now I am someone else.

Changes and growth are good but let's face it...also VERY, VERY unsettling! As a result it is easy to get sucked into negativity and as go our thoughts so go feelings and usually actions..or rather non-actions.

Do you feel scared? Scared who you are now...because you are also changing...I feel scared at times...I feel scared with all this going on...feel like I am in HS or college again and trying to "find myself"....

I struggle with the

"growing and changing me,"

the "growing and changing him"

and our growing and changing relationship"

WELL, that is a HELL of a lot of change and growth all at once isn't it!

I think this has been on SI before but I re-post as I got a lot of inspiration to stay positive from this:

"It is only a thought and a thought can be changed. The thoughts i choose to think and believe right now are creating my future. These thoughts form my experiences tomorrow, next week and next year.

I release the past with ease and I trust in the process of life. I do not use yesterday"s mental garbage to create tomorrow's experiences.

I create fresh thoughts and a fresh new life.
All of my relationships are enveloped in a circle of love. We ar all students and teachers. I often ask myself, "What did I come here to learn and what did I come to teach?"

These are from Louise L. Hay's Wisdom Cards (amazon)

[This message edited by morethantrying at 1:41 AM, February 1st (Saturday)]


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 283 | Registered: Sep 2013
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate. I found this great summary by Ellen McGrath that explains it well.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200308/recovering-trauma

Excepts/summary

Stage One: Circuit-breaking

...overloaded with too much stimulation and too much danger, as in trauma, it also shuts down to just basics. People describe it as feeling numb, in shock or dead inside.

Stage Two: Return of Feelings

recount......begin to dispel the feelings of distress...There are four broad patterns of expression of feelings...The Trickle Effect...Hit and Run Feelings....Roller Coasters....Tsunamis


Stage Three: Constructive Action

...Taking action restores a sense of control and directly counteracts the sense of powerlessness that is the identifying mark of trauma....Stage Two and Stage Three go hand in hand.

Stage Four: Reintegration

In the wake of crisis it is possible to learn and grow at rates 100 times faster than at any other time, because there is a door of opportunity. Growth can go at warp speed in every domain of life.

You can learn much that is deep and profound. You do this by interacting and by working together on the meaning of the difficult experience. Those who have the courage to become part of the trauma tribe, to experience and share their pain, or to help them overcome their pain, also have the opportunity to share their growth.

Everyone who goes through this process ends up better, stronger, smarter, deeper, and more connected. They would say so and everyone who comes in contact with them recognizes the change. It is like having a broken bone. If it heals properly, it is stronger in the spot where it fractured than it was before the injury.

Traumatic experiences are broken bones of the soul. If you engage in the process of recovery, you get stronger. If you don't, the bones remain porous, with permanent holes inside, and you are considerably weaker.

In this stage of recovery, you reintegrate your self and your values in a new way. You incorporate meaning in your life. You integrate deeper and more authentic ways of communicating.

People at this stage may experience a new sense of the preciousness of life, a clarification of goals and renewed commitment to them, and new understanding of the value of ties to others. But to get to stage four you have to go through the first three stages.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 737 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
RipsInMyChest
♀ Member
Member # 41166
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good posts! Most days I maintain perspective and presence....but every once and a while, I lose it still. The work of growth is not easy.


Me: BW 41
FWH 41
Together 21 yrs, M 18, 2 kids
DDay: 12/11/12 ONS with CW
Used condom, got chlamydia anyway.

His betrayal of me was not because I didn't shine brightly enough, but because he chose to put on blinders.


Posts: 257 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 3

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.