Married 2 years. Together off and on for 7 years. 4 Children 7, 4, 2, and 3 months.
I am sorry you find yourself here first of all, with a wound so fresh.
Has he made it clear to you that he wants to make it work? That he is willing to reconcile?
"That text you sent didn't come to me. ***** was using my phone and she is the one that got the text, so we can't do this anymore"
Honestly, if he sent her that text, it sounds like he is only stopping the affair because "oops, my wife found out!" not because "I realized I messed up and I need to fix our marriage because I'm still in love with my wife." To me, it doesn't really seem like he is committed to reconcile, esp. since he is defending the other woman, refusing to quit his job and as you said, he isn't putting forth any real effort.
Have you two had another discussion about trying to reconcile? You need to hear it directly from him that he is 100% into rebuilding everything he broke, and that includes NO CONTACT with the OW, which means he would have to leave his job, as well as showing sincere remorse for his actions. Has he even done that? From the sound of his defence, it doesn't.
If he continues to act like this (defensive) then I say it's time to rethink possible separation. If not, and he proves to you that he is willing to make it work, by quitting his job, starting no contact with the OW, then marriage counselling (or even individual counselling for yourself, as you said you were suffering from PPD, this may trigger back old feelings) may be something for you to consider.
Just remember, NONE of this was your fault (even if he claims that your lack of affection pushed him to do it). He chose to betray you and break your entire family life. He chose to be with a whore (and yes, she is a whore) over you. What kind of woman leaves her husband on his death bed to screw another man? Terrible human being. You are more beautiful, better and brighter than her inside and out. Just remember that.
He says he doesn't think it is fair that I am asking him to change his job when I am not 100% sure that we can works this out.
He's telling you he is only interested in fixing himself IF you agree to work things out. He should be fighting for you right now. There shouldn't be any hesitation to change jobs if he was really remorseful.
If HE wants your marriage then he needs to find another job, send her a NC letter, and get into IC. His bullshit excuse of you not giving him what he needed emotionally and physically is just that, an excuse! You just had a baby!!! You have three other children at home! It's completely understandable you couldn't give 100% physically and emotionally right now. If he was any sort of a man he would get that and do everything he could to help ease the burden, not run off and cheat because his selfish needs aren't getting met. I'm angry for you! His behavior is absolutely disgusting and now he has the balls to say he isn't willing to take any steps unless he knows YOU are willing to work things out???
1. Do not call the OW. She will not tell you the truth and she most likely will say a lot of things designed to hurt you. You have enough hurt to deal with right now. She is not going to give you the answers that you need.
2. Are you sure that her BBF is really dying? It is very common for OW to make up stories about their BS in order to gain sympathy from your WS. A very common one is that their BS is abusive or violent. If you are not sure, I would go ahead and contact her BBF and let him know what is going on. It is one of the surest ways to put an end to the fantasy land that they have been living in.
3. Your WH needs to write a NC letter that you get to see and approve and then send it together. Send it by mail by a method that requires her to sign for it. That way, you can be sure that she received it.
4. WH should definitely change jobs, especially if it will be easy for him to find a new one. He is still in the fog and being around her is too great a risk, not to mention too much for you to handle, worrying about what he is doing every day when he goes off to work.
Your WH needs to get on board with these things. Just because he is still defending her right now does not mean there is no hope for him. It takes some time for the fog to clear sometimes. But you need to set out your requirements and stick by them. Go see a lawyer to understand what your rights are--it is empowering. Focus on taking care of yourself and your beautiful babies. Keep posting, too!
Everything he says and does is so conflicting
Don't believe what he's saying. His actions are definitely not conflicting. His actions are saying he's a selfish jerk who has something to hide still.
Don't listen to him. You are so confused and upset, he's going to twist things around and manipulate the situation to make you look at fault, making excuses.
Go with what you see him doing. And right now, that's nothing to try and save this marriage. Actions speak louder than words.
I'm sure one of the veterans on here will post links to some of the good threads - but check out the healing library and read. Especially about the 180.
Sorry you are here, going through this with a new baby as well.
Read up on the 180 and implement that. It sounds from what you are saying that he may want out of the M (or at least he thinks that right now), but doesn't have the guts to be the one to pull the trigger. Sometimes they want you to throw them out so they can look like less of a bad guy. You have to decide how you feel about that. Maybe you are perfectly comfortable hefty-bagging his stuff. Maybe you would like to give it some time to get your ducks in a row and see how things shake out. If you can get an IC appointment for yourself, I would highly recommend it. You need all the support you can get right now.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. Try to focus on yourself and your children. He does not deserve even one moment of your time right now, not until he is willing to do what it takes to work on your M. If he wants out, he should be a man and leave. He didn't want to hurt you? What a load of baloney. He was not thinking of you, or your children--only himself.
It is time to get a little knowledge is power mojo and see a lawyer for a consult. You have to be willing to lose the marriage--if he is going to act like this, he's not worth being with. Try your best to take care of yourself and know how much better you deserve. ((((Hugs))))
My WW was having an affair with a guy she was working with who sat 1m away from her. There was some hesitation there for a week or so when I told her that I would not even attempt to reconcile under their work arrangements at the time...they were split and my wife worked remotely until he moved on.
Also, instigate the NC letter immediately or else you walk. I would really love to tell you to inform her husband, but I really don't know if I could noting he seems to be termimally ill. My WW sent him an NC email and he tried to break it a number or times but ultimately failed. Read up on the 180 and implement it asap. Don't let him cake eat.
[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:04 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]
Me BS (34) WW (29)
Married nearly 2 years
19m old Daughter
D-Day 05 Nov 13
And he defends her. I called her a homewrecking whore and he says "She isn't a whore"....
Do not trust your WH at all. He is in damage control mode only right now.
Guard your assets.
he called the cops and tried to have me arrested for assault.
His loyalties are with the OW.
[This message edited by shiloe at 6:59 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]
So sorry you are here. You need to implement a few things in order to turn things around. Here is what I suggest
1) Notify the HR department of the place he used to work at. Show them any evidence you have. They will initiate an investigation and she will probably get fired.
2) Contact OW's husband and let him know what his filthy wife has been up to. As others said earlier, don't assume he is on his death bed. Contact him directly (best face to face) and in a way that can't be intercepted.
3) Continue to expose the affair to other friends who are close to you both (friends, family, pastor). Ask them for help in saving the marriage. Don't warn anyone you are going to do this, just go ahead and do it unannounced to avoid damage control. Post the piece of shyte OW on cheaterville.com.
4) Install a spyware app on his phone to monitor his activities. there are several good ones designed to monitor teens. If you can install a keylogger on the home computer. Get a couple of Sony VARs and hide them around the house and in his car so you can keep track of who he is talking to. Activate the track GPS feature on his phone.
5) Go see a lawyer and have D papers drawn up.
If he doesn't come back to you begging and pleading to be taken back, then go ahead and file