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Newest Member: whathappensnext (45075)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Opinions, please
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is a beautiful, warm day, almost 60 here. H wants to do something. I say okay, what would he like to do? He doesn't care, mentions several options. Kids are still asleep. He talks about waking them up. I say "they probably won't want to do anything." He says "Do they have to come along?" I say "Nope, they don't." I get up to get a sandwich, and he says "Well, you're right. I'll just go out and start working around the house since you don't want to do anything." WHAT THE HELL? THIS is typical. I pointed out that I NEVER said I didn't want to do anything. He says that I'm not "acting" like I want to. Sigh. I can't do or say anything right. Can't react in the right way, etc. Did I do/say something wrong in the above? I'm really starting to question my sanity. Maybe I'm the one with the "personality disorder." Honest opinions, please.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
KatyDo
♀ Member
Member # 41245
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know much about your situation, but it may be a kind of emotional manipulation, especially if there is a tone of voice (which would be hard to capture in your description). It sounds a little passive aggressive to me. It can be very difficult to detect what is going on when people communicate this way - insidious. And people on the receiving end often end up doubting their sanity so that's why I mention the manipulation. Hope that helps.


Married 7 years, together for 14
Me: BS Him: chronic boundary issues, EA for 2 years, DD Spring 2013

Posts: 193 | Registered: Nov 2013
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 4:48 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds like you both need to be a little more open and direct. I could be reading this wrong. But, when he tossed out a couple of options did you respond that A or B sounds good or offer an alternative?

It is really hard to interpret from a transcript of that exchange.

Set aside whether you did or didn't respond and his assumptions based on his perceptions. You guys need to talk openly and honestly about what you're feeling and do less guessing and assuming.

Could be I'm reading that wrong. Hang in there.


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 27 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1494 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Lucky2HaveMe
♀ Member
Member # 13333
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He may have felt that since you "got up to get a sandwich" that you had *checked out* of the conversation with him and dismissed his idea and he himself.

BUT, that passive-aggressive shit has got to stop. He should have said something like "Sooooooo... whaddaya think? Wanna make a plan? Get a sitter for the kids?"

[This message edited by Lucky2HaveMe at 4:49 PM, February 1st (Saturday)]


Indian wisdom says our lives are rivers. We are born somewhere small and quiet and we move toward a place we cannot see, but only imagine. From Tending Roses

Posts: 6460 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: WNY
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did tell him that any of those options sounded fine with me. I didn't leave the room, just walked over to the stove to get a sandwich I had already made.

I don't know. Its like I have to jump through hoops, dance a jig or go on and on about what a great idea he had. Stuff like this happens all the time. He takes things I say and twists them or he will take something I DIDN'T say and use it later for his reasons why he did something. Its just nuts. Pure & simple. Thought I wanted to R but after last night (he got drunk) and then today, I'm going back to the 180.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
morethantrying
♀ Member
Member # 40547
Default  Posted: 6:12 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO he is trying to ENGAGE with you. He really wants to be with you, do something with you so either Pick one or suggest something else. R takes two and positive engagements is the goal...any positive engagement is good. I do believe the the BS often have to step up and get and keep this process going as well. Go out, say you want to be with him, change the mood by telling him lets do this...

YOU can change this by how you react now...even one person can do it so go ahead, react in a postive manner, engage with him, try to see the love and go forward as best you can looking at the goal of happiness.....this is not always easy to do but ACTIONS make the marriage not just the words so think less and DO more....I try to follow my own advise...aint always easy I know


Affairs - hard on us both - but love will win.
Me: BS 55
Him: WS 62
Married 32 yrs.
dday TT from 12/2012-2/2013)...

Posts: 291 | Registered: Sep 2013
Katz13
♀ Member
Member # 41886
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you been to IC or have you two been to MC. The exchange sounds like something that could have happened at our house too. We are going to MC and it has helped with the way we talk to each other. Not to say it is perfect but it has helped me be more assertive and not take so much of his passive aggressive crap.

Posts: 84 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
AppalachianGal
♀ Member
Member # 31672
Default  Posted: 7:06 PM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is an Iraq vet so we can see counselors through the VA. He has been in IC for YEARS, before stopping because the one he was seeing was a total idiot. Changes nothing. We have been in MC for YEARS as well, stopped going a year ago because I was just plain tired of it all. Haven't been back since the affair revelations.


BS (me) 41; WS, 44
DD#1- 09/07/10 secret cell found, texting ho-worker. Denies EA/PA
DD#2- 12/29/13 admitted ONS (1993) with bar slut 3 yrs into marriage
DD#3- 01/21/14 ho-worker from 2010 involved "one-time BJ."

Posts: 447 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: TN
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 5:11 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Drastic spontaneous often impossible demands. I experienced this type of craziness during most of my marriage, especially during the affair.


What I believe now:

My failure to deliver gave my wife a reason to be angry with me. Being angry at me lifted her.

Spontaneous requests of going out in pubic supported her facade. The public sees what a perfect wife she was.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 751 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
Topic Posts: 9

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