My question is how much do I want to know? My mind will race regardless, right? Does knowing every detail lessen that or am I just fooling myself because of the sexuality aspect... that it turns me on?
The real details I wanted were on how long she had been lying to me and talking to me like she couldn't wait to see me. I don't know how this is gonna affect me in intimate situations yet, but as long as I remember what I believed before it doesn't bother me.
My only problem is believing she told me everything I had asked about at this point. If you think you can handle the details, and in some way it might help the relationship that you guys are starting over, then go for it. If it is gonna be a sticking point for you, might have to go the IC route. I am, just not for that reason yet.
When we first started talking in greater detail I started to ask for more and more details. She couldn't handle it, asking if this was a good idea? I admitted to the arousal aspect. She offered to have sex with me right then. We did. I felt somewhat weak, but it wasn't typical sex either... there was some anger/hostility on my part. She knew this was the case and seemed to welcome it.
I feel like so much is owed to me right now. It doesn't feel healthy. Feel as though I'm taking advantage of the situation... being opportunistic. The notion of me having sex with someone hasn't been in my mind much, it's more the idea of me manipulating her, having her do what I say, when I say... anything... as it is owed to me.
I knew I was gonna think about it anyway. So I wanted an idea of the whole picture. I really can't tell you if it is gonna be better or not. Each person is different. With my situation, I feel a sense of closure, and am pretty confident it will stay that way. You have to really look into yourself and believe in what you can and can't handle.
It sucks, but I don't have much of a better answer than that.
There could be some turn on initially to knowing. My husband and I at one time had the fantasies you describe. I have since understood how unhealthy that was because it cracked the door to the A. While it may be a turn on right now....I promise it will not be for long. The reality is the betrayal hurts. As you navigate the emotions, you may find it erotic, to the most painful thing you have ever gone through.
To decide what I wanted to know, I set time lines for myself to ask questions. For example, if I had a question that was nagging me for over 3 days, I would ask the question. If I forgot the question or had to work hard to remember, I didn't ask it. I am glad to this day, I did not ask for explicit details. I do not think I could have dealt with it.
Hysterical bonding through sex right after discovery of the A is totally normal. There are many emotions involved. The sexual encounters felt very different for me and I felt bad afterwards....I was trying to compare myself to the OW. Some couples bond well during HB.
Take care of your self.
Time is about the only answer at this point. And I certainly grasp the concept of not being able to unlearn things. Trying to just breathe for the time being, not make any rash decisions.