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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Having Trouble Getting It
Patrician
♀ New Member
Member # 42300
Concerned  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are almost a month out from D-Day. Briefly, I had an affair with a co-worker. It started as a friendship that got too close, then inappropriate texting and emails for 2 weeks over break and then we started kissing in conference rooms and the car which lasted for 2 days. My husband intercepted accidentally when he was upgrading something on my phone. Established NC after that and have divulged all the facts and details (this was definitely messy) to the best of my ability including timeline.

This wasn't a torrid love affair. Strangely, I never had any intention of screwing up my marriage. It wasn't even a thought in my mind really. I knew I was unsatisfied with the level of passion and interest. My husband and I have two young children and full time jobs. We put everything into them and left little for each other. So i told myself that this was just to fill a hole and it would augment my marriage. I would keep it strictly physical and that way I would still be faithful sort of.

I guess the above really qualifies as the surface level version. It's what I started with post D-Day and it's been slowly breaking down. The major problem with this version is that I really didn't feel that bad about it. My husband told me he was crushed, he wasn't able to sleep and wanted to talk about it all day long. He seemed bi-polar and obsessive. He told me this was the worst thing that had ever happened to him in his life (even with a really screwed up childhood). I just couldn't wrap my head around it. He kept telling me that I was showing lots of regret but not remorse. This drove me nuts because I truly felt awful that he was so hurt. What he wanted for me to understand was why he was hurt, to really get it. That has been the hardest part for me.

What's changed in the past week is that I've owned a lot more of this than what I started with on the surface. Truth is, I started to disconnect months before I developed an EA with my coworker. I was unsatisfied with some aspects of my marriage but instead of working on it, I buried it deeper. Then my husband got really sick for a month and home life became difficult and depressing. On the other hand, my career was going great. My projects were interesting and I had tons of fun with my co-workers (80% male dominated industry) who gave me plenty of attention. My work became my lifeline for fun, acceptance and gratification. So I pretty much checked out of my marriage. Even as a mother, I had less patience with the kids and little interest in quality time. I hated weekends and longed to be back at work. I resented my husband for bringing me down when the rest of my life was so awesome.

So when the opportunity to hook up with coworker who showered me with attention came along, it was automatic. I didn't need time to consider it or plan things out, I jumped at it. I justified it in my head that I was unhappy and my husband didn't want to change and maybe if he caught me it would be a wake up call.

The reality of my affair still boggles my mind. I'm still in disbelief that I did this. I'm not an impulsive person, I plan for the future and make careful decisions. The whole situation is a completely different me. I was amazingly selfish, entitled and completely out of touch. While I think I have always been selfish and entitled, this is a totally new scale. I've literally never made a mistake that compares to this. Even worse, if my husband hadn't caught me, I was totally going to do worse in the PA department. I had a business trip planned in a few weeks and my co-worker was going. It's completely dumb luck that my husband caught me. He really struggles with that part and I'm only beginning to understand why.

So here's where I need help. I'm doing the work: being truthful and transparent, maintaining NC, listening to him and respecting his feelings. But part of me is still disconnected. Part of me is still in disbelief which means I can't own it completely and he can't get the full remorse he needs to heal. During big fights or particularly connected moments, I think I really feel it. But other times, I feel icy, like I'm just not absorbing things. He detects it immediately and I know he feels alone and hurt by it. I really truly, deeply love him. He's an amazing husband and person and the fact that he is giving me another chance should humble me to the core. What am I missing? Can anyone relate?


Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2014
Trying4change
♂ New Member
Member # 41977
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate, in the best words to describe it is "put your self in their shoes" that is what my BS said to me in order to understand it cause I my self also felt entitled and selfish. I understand when it is said that we don't get it but we really have to be in their shoes.


Me-WS 34
Her-BS 30 cl131716
Together 3yrs
D-Day 7/23/13
married for 1yr
2 Handsome sons together

Posts: 13 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really truly, deeply love him. He's an amazing husband and person and the fact that he is giving me another chance should humble me to the core.

Actions over words.

You took the easy path to gratification rather than doing the hard work.

An amazing husband that you truly, deeply love deserves the energy you put into the your work life.

So, you're going to need to work at healing; his, yours and the marriage.

Get into IC. Start figuring out some of the stuff you're asking about in this thread. Figure out why you chose to the easy but destructive path over the harder but constructive path.

You're clearly starting the work. That's reflected in what you've written here. What you need to understand is that this will be a long, hard multi-year slog to heal all the wounds that were inflicted. There's no quick answer. There's just hard work.

best luck

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 11:04 AM, February 2nd (Sunday)]


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust is important.

"So when the opportunity to hook up with coworker who showered me with attention came along, it was automatic. I didn't need time to consider it or plan things out, I jumped at it."


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Patrician, your story sounds like the female version of my H's A story. You ought to check out any and everything you can find regarding workaholism, in particular, Dr. Barbara Killinger. Recently, there was a thread in this forum regarding this you also might want to check out. That disconnect you feel, you're finding so much validation at work to the point that you shut down with your H and become short with your kids, you not being able to get to a level of remorse -- all that sounds so much like my fWH's story and experience. We both found a tremendous amount of healing in the Killinger blog on Psychology Today.com. Take a look at it and see if any of it resonates with you. It may just point you in the right direction. Hope this helps.


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 2:24 PM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you're not in IC then I'd recommend you find one soon. This...
So I pretty much checked out of my marriage. Even as a mother, I had less patience with the kids and little interest in quality time. I hated weekends and longed to be back at work.
...is where you should begin.

p.s.
I have yet to hear of a single person who last dying words were "Why didn't I spend more time at the office?"


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3787 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Patrician
♀ New Member
Member # 42300
Default  Posted: 8:53 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate the Killinger recommendation, I know my obsession with work was a contributing factor to my losing site of the truly important pieces of my life. I think I have always based my self esteem on others opinions of me and work success was fuel for that fire. IC is in the plan and I hope to explore how I could have so willingly ventured down such a destructive road.

I'm definitely working on rebuilding his trust in me. He has access to all my accounts and we talk throughout the day. I'm trying to be as transparent as possible.

Our relationship has had really amazing and beautiful moments throughout the last few weeks which only further supports the reality that I was completely out of touch in order to risk it all so carelessly. What we have is worth fighting for, I have no doubt in my mind, I just know that part of me is still iced over. I need to get to the bottom of this otherwise he won't heal and we can't move forward. How long is this fog going to last? What does it take to break through?


Posts: 2 | Registered: Feb 2014
Tesseract
♂ Member
Member # 39624
Default  Posted: 12:38 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is achingly familiar. I'm a bit of a workaholic as well. I also have a very, very hard time defrosting myself when I go cold and detached. The only thing I've found helpful is deliberately pushing away whatever sticking point I'm focusing out. Sublimating my own thoughts and desires for the moment and focusing entirely on how I'd help them if I didn't have any personal opinions about what had happened. After that, my own hang ups never really seem to be that important.

Posts: 55 | Registered: Jun 2013
Jovie
♀ Member
Member # 41956
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is similar to how I felt about my A too. Except replace workplace with the gym.

I think I felt similar in the beginning too right after DDay, but not to the point that BH picked up on it. Over time though, (even though we are only a month and a half out from DDay), seeing how hurt BH is by all this, and recognizing that I could have lost him has really shaken me up and realized the depth of it all. How would you feel if he left you?

Picturing myself in his shoes didn't help me at all, because I felt like I had been trying to help the M and been a good wife (up to that point of course), whereas he didn't seem to be putting in his share at the time. Which is why I felt like I deserved something on the side. Not sure if that rings true for you too.


Me - WW, 33
Him - BH, 37
Dday - 12/16/13

Posts: 214 | Registered: Jan 2014
numb&dumb
♂ Member
Member # 28542
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I may ask, if there is NC, but you work together how is that maintained ?

Do you still see OM ? You may not be infatuated with him any longer, but the "idea," of him could be keeping you in that mindset.

Transparency is great, but what about work related communication ?

Just trying to help you understand how your BH is likely approaching this.

The thing is partial NC and transparency are going to keep both of you stuck. You in an "escape" from your home life problems and your husbands fear that something is still happening or will happen again in the future.

While the environment is important to understand for rebuilding the M later on, do you cite these as "reasons," for your A ? Any such allusions are going to likely be heard as you blaming your H for your actions. This is a very traumatic event for him and I don't read that you understand that yet.

Just things to think about.


He seemed bi-polar and obsessive

This is fairly normal, but again to your H that may come across as shifting blame for your actions onto him, be very careful exploring that idea.

As others have said, words are worth much to him anymore. Actions will and effort counts as much as effect.


Me-35 her-35

DS 1, DD 6
Dday 8/31/11. ONS that occurred 3 years earlier. Lied to for 3 years.

Every truth comes to light in a long enough timeline.


Posts: 2554 | Registered: May 2010
slater13
♂ Member
Member # 39008
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest you quit your job and find another. As a BH, that is what it took for me to even begin to heal.


The choices we make reveal the true nature of our character

Posts: 160 | Registered: Apr 2013
Sal1995
♂ Member
Member # 39099
Default  Posted: 3:29 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have yet to hear of a single person who last dying words were "Why didn't I spend more time at the office?"

Good point. And I imagine that the people who are at your deathbed tend to be your spouse, children, and maybe a best friend or two. Not APs, former coworkers, and members of your old party crowd.

The ones who see the best and worst of you, but love you for who you truly are. Warts and all. Let's face it, not many coworkers, affair partners, or party pals ever see the part of us that has his/her guard down, the part that is ugly and selfish, or that part that isn't made up and dressed nicely.

Amazing how the wrong people get the best part of us. We're all guilty of that to some extent, whether we're waywards or not.

Hope that wasn't too much of a t/j, but I think it flowed from this:

My projects were interesting and I had tons of fun with my co-workers (80% male dominated industry) who gave me plenty of attention. My work became my lifeline for fun, acceptance and gratification. So I pretty much checked out of my marriage. Even as a mother, I had less patience with the kids and little interest in quality time. I hated weekends and longed to be back at work. I resented my husband for bringing me down when the rest of my life was so awesome.

To answer this question...

What am I missing?

...nothing, maybe, except perspective and time. One month is not much time to sort this out. Best of luck.


Me (BS)-45, WW-42
DDay 2/17/13, 9-10 month PA/EA
Final NC late Feb. '13
M - 18 years, 4 children
Reconciling

Posts: 1376 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Texas
brokenpinkribbon
♀ New Member
Member # 41301
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kyrie

I have just read some of the articles on Barbara Killinger, OMG
That is my husband! It's all so painfully true.
How do I get help for him so he doesn't end up physically ill as well as mentally?
I love my husband so much, even though he has hurt me to my soul, I can't bare to think anything awful happen to him.


Posts: 23 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Australia
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

brokenpinkribbon - I sent you a PM


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 192 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Topic Posts: 14

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