Then there's today. D-day was 2 weeks ago tomorrow, and I'm still full of anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion. I'm still a shell of who I used to be not long ago. I wonder if this knot in my stomach is permanent. I wonder when/if I'll be able to eat normally again. I wonder if I'll ever have the energy to pull myself up and start rebuilding me.
I wonder why I miss her so terribly. i wonder why all I want is her in my arms, despite the hell she has put me through. This is the longest I've gone without talking to her since we met. Is she still wanting to try and fix this or do I need to officially move on? How long can I stay in limbo?
I've talked to so many people in this forum and out there in the "real world" who have been through this. It's both comforting and saddening that there are so many who have walked this road. I see people who have moved on and rebuilt their lives. I know people who have reconciled even. They tell me to get up, get busy, make sure I eat and sleep, like its that simple. I am seriously wondering if I'm permanently broken. There have been a few brief respites from the pain, but I just don't have the strength right now to do what I need to do. I'm barely getting by it seems.
So, at 35 years old, I will be watching the Superbowl this year with my mom. Don't get me wrong; I'm thankful she's been here for me. That said, I face a seemingly insurmountable mountain of questions, issues, sleepless nights and unending nausea. I gotta believe it'll get better, but damn, even my favorite day of the year just seems like "oh well."
Sorry for rambling, just needed to get this out. It's not too early for a beer, is it?
"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go."
It is not too early for beer in moderation! Have fun with your Mom...even if only a few moments at a time. You might ask her before the game to leave the game as a "question free zone". That way you do not have to worry about the questions during that time.
[This message edited by PurpleLilac at 11:33 AM, February 22nd (Saturday)]
just read thru your different posts..
..hope you are a Seahawks fan.. it would have made you smile and brightened your day a bit...
..if you had $$$$$ on Peyton, it would have bummed out the rest of the night.
..Peyton just couldn't get things going, especially after that first snap over his head!!!! That was an omen for the rest of the game..
..good luck on your IC today..
..you are still in shock phase at just 2 weeks out.. this is a marathon, not a sprint, so strap yourself in for a long, bumpy ride..
..you've found a great site here to help you navigate this shitstorm in your life.
..your letter, by the way, was awesome..
..keep posting.. keep reading.. there's lots to learn here..
..it's not too soon to see your lawyer..
Anyway, I know I should at least call a lawyer. It's just so hard to make that call, like admitting what is happening is happening. That may sound dumb, but I know what I mean.
Thanks for everyone's replies.
And a quick word re this:
They tell me to get up, get busy, make sure I eat and sleep, like its that simple.
Don't worry, we know it is not easy and sometimes feels downright impossible. But do your best (even if that involves failing) and just keep trying, one foot before the other. No one expects you not to suffer or to just snap out of it and no one will judge you for struggling. But do what you can to be good to yourself. And reach out to friends as well as family for support.
OOF what an awful game.