He used prostitutes for about five years, filthy, dirty women, and did filthy, disgusting things with them. He came home as if nothing had happened and got into our bed without even showering. I want to see the same horror of what he did on his face, but it has never happened. It's as if he's put it into another of his compartments and that makes me wonder whether his conscience became hardened and calloused to what he was doing and it's still the same. If that's the case, then he could do these things again. He says he feels sick about what he did, but that's it, there's no emotion behind it.
To his credit he is concentrating on the present and in healing me, and I really can't fault him, but in my heart I am desperate to see real sobbing regret and sorrow that he could do this to us. But there's been nothing like that at all.
We've been together for 36 years so I know him. I've seen him get emotional, I've seen him deal with uncomfortable feelings, I've seen him sob about other things. This time, my gut is telling me there's something wrong here. It feels like he's shrugging it off because he's now making it up to me. KWIM?
I guess I want him to feel the same sense of disgust and horror that I feel. Like he's rolled in dog sh*t and was smothered and stinking. He doesn't see it like I do. To him it's a bit of a bad episode in his life and that's about it, and he says moving on is more important - which it probably is, of course.
Sorry to ramble. I just feel stuck, like I can't fully move on. I'm wrong, aren't I?
[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:08 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]
D Day 11 November 2012
You can't scale a mountain in a single step
I think I'm still living with a 'dead man' who hasn't yet woken up.
Gently, I have a hard time condemning prostitutes, since apparently so many of them are forced into prostitution.
The problem is with the customers. The customers, not the whores, bring home STDs. The customers keep the women enslaved. The customers break the laws. The customers keep the system going.
His behaviour, not the women. I want him to show disgust about his own behaviour, and as I don't necessarily see that I worry that he would do it again. Perhaps the pleasure he got outweighs the revulsion. I felt revulsion and horror when I found out, but I never got anything out of it, unlike him.
Have you asked your H about his thoughts and feelings about hiring prostitutes? Maybe he's too disgusted with himself even to mention it. (I hope that's the case.)
[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 3:46 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]
FWIW, I have had the same issues. Year Two of R is particularly hellish for us in this sitch. We often spend the first year reeling from the shock, doing all the things we need to do to establish boundaries and self care, prepare for the worst, etc and we don't have the time or ability to understand how incredibly disgusting what he has done to himself and ourselves in the early days of discovery.
Then a year later, you are much stronger, can see things more clearly, and you are rightfully pissed off and disgusted beyond compare. Of what you endured before you knew, and after you found out. HOw you still extended some benefit of doubt when it wasn't warranted, a true gift of mercy, and he STILL didn't do anything and everything under the sun to make things right probably more times than you want to admit. Still doesn't apologize enough, still doesn't appear to be mortified of what happened, etc.
Chances are, he's pretty damn ashamed. If he has truly been doing what he needs to do in therapy, the IC has explored that with him. But the rub is, to get better, he has to have the shame lift. And he can't do that if he stays in it all the time.
I can tell you what helps me. Early on in SI, I stumbled on a thread "What Every WS Needs To Know" in the Waywards section. It has all kinds of stuff in it and is super long, but near the end is a part about six statements. They are six statements a WS should make to their BS with some regularity in no particular order. In those six statements, the shame of what they did is addressed. If your WS is willing to do this on regular basis, it will help with this specific issue. No, it's not the same as admitting he is the equivalent of being rolled in dog shit and he certainly will likely not exhibit the same level of disgust that you and I have, but to hear him address it to you regularly will have an effect.
I hope this helps. Again, I absolutely understand and what you feel is very valid.
I think he has a lot more work to do on himself, the abuse has destroyed his ability to recognise and understand feelings.
Thank you for pointing out the thread Hathnofury, I've printed out the relevant bits.
I always appreciate your help, what would we do without each other..