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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How can I dig deeper to find out why
gettingbakontrac
♂ New Member
Member # 42131
Stop  Posted: 6:12 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have been in R for 2 years now after having been involved in a LTA. Been to MC which helped & I did several IC sessions. I prefer to look at the present & future but my BS wants me to look into the past & reasons for why/how the A took place. I resist this not because I have any longing for the AP but I just do. I know FOO may have been a factor..I just got involved down the slippery slope, enjoyed it,denied the consequences and now I/we are trying to put it behind us. I am reaching out for your thoughts to help me.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Canada
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As it stands now, is this your why?

I just got involved down the slippery slope, enjoyed it,denied the consequences


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Cornbread
♂ New Member
Member # 41006
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettingbakontrac, I am much like you. I am about a year and a half past the last d-day. I have not been to MC or IC. I know why I cheated, I try to grasp the pain I have caused my BS, and I will not let myself repeat my infidelity. I know that I lied to my BS, and I don't feel my words carry much weight; instead I must show by my actions and deeds. I understand that it will take a long time before my BS regains her faith in me (if she ever does). I do not want to discuss the past either, I would prefer to look ahead. My BS continues to ask questions about my affairs, and how I could crossed the boundaries that I did. I respond the best I can because she deserves answers and I desperately want to reconcile. I would prefer to think of the old me, the selfish me, the cheating me as dead and gone, and in the dustpan of history. And, the less I identify with the old me, the better. I would like to think of the new me, the me intent on being the husband that I should have been all along, as all that remains to carry on.

The difficulty we face is the grief I feel for what I have inflicted on my wife is much different than the grief she feels because of what I have done to her. I have not been lied to and cheated on. I know it is so much easier for me to compartmentalize and not look back. I cannot say exactly how I would feel if I were the BS instead of the WS--all I can do is imagine.

[This message edited by Cornbread at 9:57 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


Me: WH (57)
Her: BW (45)
D-Day: #1 - 2005, #2 - 10/2012
Status: R

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
SurprisinglyOkay
♀ Member
Member # 36684
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I would like to think of the new me, the me intent on being the husband that I should have been all along, as all that remains to carrying on.

What will you do when the old you rears it's head?

I have done work to look at and reconcile with my past, so I don't repeat the same behaviors.

Stuffing things down, not looking at and dealing with them does not make them go away.

It puts them on the back burner to continue cooking.


FWS me 36 (recovering addict)
BS him 39 AFrayedKnot
Together 7 years
2 children


"Your secrets keep you sick"


Posts: 1134 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: 221B
Cornbread
♂ New Member
Member # 41006
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

broevil, it is good that you have reconciled with your past. My post was about how I am reconciling with mine.


Me: WH (57)
Her: BW (45)
D-Day: #1 - 2005, #2 - 10/2012
Status: R

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cornbread, from what you''ve written here, you''re not reconciling with your past. What you''re describing is called, around these parts, "rugsweeping."

I would prefer to think of the old me, the selfish me, the cheating me as dead and gone, and in the dustpan of history.

If only he were dead and gone! Pushing him aside just means he could come back again later, when the going gets rough.

I prefer to look at the present & future but my BS wants me to look into the past & reasons for why/how the A took place.

She''s given you the gift of R. Would you say you''d *do anything* to thank her for that gift, and help her heal from the terrible hurt you caused her? Then why not do what she wants? Are you afraid to look into the past? I sure as hell am, so I get it. "Putting it behind us" is a lot easier than "going through it." BS get scared (from what I''ve read) when the WS doesn''t dig deep enough and figure out the *real reasons* you had the LTA, because they worry that if you don''t fix that underlying cause...they''ll never feel safe with you.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 10:08 PM, February 3rd, 2014 (Monday)]


fWW: 42
BH: 52
DDay: April 21, 2013
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1236 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
3xloser
♂ Member
Member # 34735
Default  Posted: 4:21 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rugsweeping leads to relapses. Be careful to really look at how you allowed yourself permission for the A. I was very cocky after 1st A and had a second. After second felt true remorse but was lazy about doing the work necessary to prevent a third. Eventually I found myself in A #3. 3 times I betrayed my W. My advice is do the work. Gain a real understanding of what lead to the A. You won't regret doing the work but you may regret trying to rugsweep as I do. Good luck.

Posts: 139 | Registered: Feb 2012
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^^ 3x is SO right. It is too easy to tell yourself it will never happen again, and again, and again. You have to know why so you can fix that part of yourself.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Posts: 424 | Registered: Dec 2013
gettingbakontrac
♂ New Member
Member # 42131
Default  Posted: 6:04 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I appreciate all your responses. The term "rugsweeping" keeps coming out a lot & I guess I do some of that. Not to deny anything that
the A took place, the pain it has caused for my BS but maybe I feel that the more that is disclosed about the A, the details of the sex & so forth, that the more pain it shall cause. I also have seen that when we do discuss the A that after awhile, the mystery of it disappears somewhat & we can move forward a little. Cornbread, I too have said I will not let myself repeat my infidelity. I have done a fair amount of reading "the literature", seen postings on SI &
have established boundaries that reinforce the notion of "not letting myself repeat the infidelity". Yet, the big issue seems to be flushing out the past. Some more "pennies for your thoughts".

Posts: 4 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Canada
Aubrie
♀ Member
Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Addressing the original poster...

I resist this not because I have any longing for the AP but I just do.
So let me ask you something. "I just do". Your selfishness and stubbornness is reason enough to not dig into the very real reasons you're broken? Are you really willing to stake your marriage on it? Because you "just don't wanna do it"?

I know FOO may have been a factor
Why not go deeper into that? What are you afraid of?

Look, take it from someone smack in the middle of a FOO nightmare. This crap ain't easy. It's incredibly painful. I'm in the fetal position, writhing in pain, dealing with fallout. It hurts. And just when I think it couldn't possibly hurt anymore, acid gets poured on the wound. So. Why do I do it? Cause I'm worth it. I need to go thru this "surgery" of sorts, to get all the infection out of my system. I need to purge it out of me. And as painful as it is, I know somewhere down the road, I'll heal. I'll be whole.

The term "rugsweeping" keeps coming out a lot & I guess I do some of that. Not to deny anything that
the A took place, the pain it has caused for my BS but maybe I feel that the more that is disclosed about the A, the details of the sex & so forth, that the more pain it shall cause.
Gently, who are you to dictate what is or isn't good for your wife? If she wants all the nitty gritty details, give them to her. She can't heal completely if she doesn't know what she's healing from. My husband? Didn't want deets on everything. Some things, he grilled me on. He picked and chose what he wanted to know. Some of it was more important to him than others. But who was I to say, "You know Babe, you really don't need to know. It would just hurt you more."

Rugsweeping screams of self-preservation. The WS is all, "They don't need to know cause it will hurt them. Blah, blah, blah". They're just protecting themselves. Look, we cheated. Our marriages could end. We took that chance by stepping out in the first place. You wife wants details, she wants to work thru it. So do you give her what she wants, what she is asking for? Or do you withhold? Not answering her, for whatever reason you've conjured up in your mind, just tells her she's unimportant and not worth it. How important is your wife to you?

I too have said I will not let myself repeat my infidelity. I have done a fair amount of reading "the literature", seen postings on SI &
have established boundaries that reinforce the notion of "not letting myself repeat the infidelity".
And what have you learned? What have you changed at your core? What happens when you let your guard down? Where are your "boundaries" then?

Bottom line, you're white knuckling this. Like a dry drunk. Chance of relapse? Huge.


Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne


Posts: 6312 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: South, Y'all!
Cornbread
♂ New Member
Member # 41006
Default  Posted: 7:22 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gettingbakontrac, I came here because my BS asked me to as part of both of our healing processes. I think this is a great place to share experiences and to learn from others.

I have participated on many forum boards covering a variety of topics. On most boards, people think there is a correlation between your post count and how much you may know about the subject of the forum board, and they use their post count as proof of their superior knowledge. Many times, the opposite is actually true. Sometimes, people are so eager to pontificate that they seize a statement out of context and try to beat you over the head with it, while missing the bigger picture. In spite of that, SI is still a great source of information.

I wish I could help you, but I don't know how to dig deeper to find out why. Many people swear by IC--and say the counselor will help "peel the onion". I don't know what that means--hopefully others can explain. For me, I know why. I made a decision to cheat on my wife because I felt I was deserving. I was so focused on me and what I wanted that I did not consider my wife's feelings. It was not because I was abused or neglected as a child; it was not because I grew up poor. It was because I was selfish. I wanted what I wanted. I suppose some people may not understand why they cheated, but I am not one of them. I am totally responsible for what I did.

I think it is natural to rugsweep. No one wants to cause their BS pain, and I wanted to protect myself from her wrath. It hurt me in several ways to give my wife the details of what happened. I thought I could spare us both pain if I minimized my affair. The truth has a way of getting out and that led to the TTing. Unfortunately, that had just the opposite affect and only increased her pain and anguish. I learned a valuable lesson about TT, but the cost was very, very high.



Me: WH (57)
Her: BW (45)
D-Day: #1 - 2005, #2 - 10/2012
Status: R

Posts: 20 | Registered: Oct 2013
newbeg2011
♂ Member
Member # 31892
Default  Posted: 3:06 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

GettingBacontrac
I to am a LTA WH 11 years to be accurate. For me to do what I did for that many years meant I was very broken. I honestly shake my head to this day accepting that was me. I think so differently now. I could write pages about how knowing my why is critical to my success as a as man and husband. I understand whole heartedly that you would want to look forward than back ward .It is painful for you too looking backward. But I promise it is the only way you can heal and your W.
I think your wife( if like my wife) asks you questions and details to get answers to multiple things. She not only needs to heal but also to see if your thinking is changed. My W 3 years out still asks details. But she recovers from them faster. She gets her power back from knowing. It is know longer you and the OP's secret. It is exposed. It gives her confidence and power back. It most certainly hurts to hear the details but it show her she is first now not the OP. My wife questioned was I keeping things back to protect the op or was I not willing to fight for her ? or did I care enough to do the work?
It also helps her to ask the same questions to see if your thinking and understanding has changed. For me to say" I won't do it again ,I know it was bad ". I am sorry is not enough. And I assure you it doesn't make your W feel safe it won't happen again. It is a huge commitment on your part. Many waywards give up at this point because it is to painful and they think they are never going to get her back. Or that I will just hurt her more. She is showing you every day she wants to invest again in you by asking questions trust me on that. And if she checks up on you or your passwords. Same thing it means she still cares. Or she wouldn't bother. Secondly I submit it us we are still protecting when we don't tell the spouse. We are to afraid to look deeper and admit our details. That was hard for me to accept.
I have learned the more questions she asks she is still very invested. And very time she gets it out it is one less thing she is holding inside and inflicting harm on her. Every time I didn't answer she had to make up a answer because she has to keep processing. That is mor cruel than than the cheating.
More importantly I had to understand why was I addicted to that destructive behavior. How could I in effect live a double life. That wasn't only scary to my W but me too as I look back. I won't lie to you. To tear it down and accept and own all my stuff honestly almost did me in. Thank God my W gave me support when I was digging deep and told me things like " I see your trying " . And my pain I think helped her Heal in a way because she knew I was all in.
A person once told me it was the hardest thing I would do And I agree now. I was a abused by my older brother sexually , I was very obese , I was academically behind in school. I am not saying that gives me a pass. I am only saying it was very important to my view of me as a person and my need to feel strong and validated by women . Again I could go on forever I guess I just want you to know your past and FoO issues are critical to your healing and your wife is already showing you she is invested by not leaving. Give her and you the best person you could be.

Put your armor on man and take the field and fight for her like never before and for your self. Your armor might get banged up when she is hurting and shoots her arrows . But every time she sees you taking it and fighting for the the answers . You give her something to believe in and fight for also . I am praying for you and you can always pm me if you need to.


Never forget what I have done to BS but don't let guilt make me quit. STAY IN THE FIGHT ! ! !
WS 47 me
BS 47 her
5 Great Children
DD 1/15/11

Posts: 213 | Registered: Apr 2011
Topic Posts: 12

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