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User Topic: Your thoughts on a trip to Las Vegas
somanyyears
♂ Member
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..
If we don't have the money to spend on a nice trip for us as a couple together to get away, I feel he shouldn't be spending it on this trip. It will be expensive, the way these friends he will be going with spend money. If he and I had plenty of money to go on other trips together, this part would not be an issue for me. A trip for us together would be so much more healing for our marriage then this trip for him alone with his buddies In Las Vegas, while I sit at home nervous about what he is doing.

..that's reason enough right there!!

..you should be his "TOP" priority for his next vacation plans..

..he's giving you zero consideration and even less respect by even asking if he can bugger off to Vegas with his 'buddies' and blow a huge wad of $$$CASH$$$ on gambling, and possibly girls ..

..put the 'kyebosh' (no idea if this is spelled correctly!) on any vacations that don't involve you!!!!

..sorry, but your H is a dick for even suggesting he might go..

smy

[This message edited by somanyyears at 1:25 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 67
Her 63
Married 42 yrs (together 47)
18 yr LTA with bf


Posts: 4120 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: the sad state of affairs
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 1:21 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO, If he were remorseful he'd take "I am not comfortable" and stay home... or

A trip for us together would be so much more healing for our marriage then this trip for him alone with his buddies In Las Vegas, while I sit at home nervous about what he is doing.

That should be his first priority.

Clearly, for these men, this trip is a vacation from their marriages. And NOPE.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. Strippers? Random women to "hang" out with and drink all day by a pool? These are married men?

No. No. and No. If he wants to behave as if he is single, than he needs to be single to do so. If he hangs with a group of men that are married to women who have no issue being disrespected in that way, so be it. You do not have to be one of them.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 493 | Registered: Apr 2009
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No.

No way.

Oh hell no.

If you go, don't come home.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9517 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told him if he really wants to go, then he should go

Do you really mean this?

More that I am not going to tell a grown man what to do or not do. I don't want to play his mother or keeper.

I have told him my concerns and that I still don't trust him, and that this trip makes me very anxious just talking about it. I told him this morning, taking a trip together would be more healing for our marriage then him going with his buddies to Las Vegas. His friends are texting and pushing him into going, even said he had a free room to stay in. They really want him to go. I understand the desire to go, as the trip sounded like they had a blast last time!! Too much of a blast for my liking for married men!!

I feel this decision needs to be on him. I am hoping he makes the right one, even if his friends give him lots of crap for it! He choose to cheat on me and I feel his choices change a lot of things these days!

Have YOU ever gone on a trip on your own?
I only went to my mothers and actually not alone as I took my 8 year old daughter with me. It was because I needed some time away from him and his lies at the time. I felt like his TT at the time was slowly killing me! Other then that, I never felt I needed to take trips without my WH. Why would I need to, when I enjoyed our trips together so much.

Although I feel we are finally on the right path to R, I still do not trust my husband and he has lied to me so easily for so long, over so many years, I just know I would not be able to believe a word he said about this trip, even if it was the truth he was telling me. He trained me not to be able to believe a word he says, because of all the lies for so long! Why have that anxiety in our lives from this trip. Right!


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2012
undertherug
♀ Member
Member # 41580
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

julesinpain -- ditto what Beyond Breaking said. That he would even CONSIDER such a trip seems very disrespectful. If he can't say no to his friends who are pressuring him to take this trip, how can he say no to whatever they propose once he gets there?

Posts: 61 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: United States
FightingBack
♀ Member
Member # 34770
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jules, I understand that you don't want to take on a mother role with your H. By you leaving the decision to go or not will be indicative of his commitment to R.

It seems like you have made it clear to him how you feel. Are you prepared for whatever decision he makes?

I agree that the decision is his ultimately. I hope he makes the correct one. For all of your sakes.

I guess this will be an opportunity to observe actions, not just words.


Me 53
WH 58
Married 25 years
4 children S30,D24, S23,S21
D-Day Nov. 29, 2011
15 year affair with married employee.
Together trying to make sense of it all!

Posts: 753 | Registered: Feb 2012
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

fWH's friends are laying it on thick over the hobby convention, too. Now using guilt... "We can't afford the hotel room without you..." Too fucking bad. If he wants to go be single that weekend... then he can be single permanently. I'm tired of being the only one married full time. I don't think I will ever be comfortable with separate vacations again.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
realitybites
♀ Member
Member # 6908
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never felt I needed to take trips without my WH. Why would I need to, when I enjoyed our trips together so much.

My insistance in asking you this with all due respect is just to see how lopsided this relationship is....and again its hard to really look at these things up close. I can remember my T at the time asking me if I ever did anything just for me, just for myself and I also felt the same as you...and my T kept pushing me saying "can you book a trip right now just for you to take time for you?" and I really just could not do it. It did not make sense to me to do things only for myself.

Again....I do not in any way think he should be going to Vegas with the boys, I just want you to see how lopsided this whole thing is and what would he do (not that you will do it) if you just said you wanted to go to Vegas with a bunch of girlfriends?

And I understand how you don't want to be his mother...that if he chooses to go that is on him, but to what consequences? Or are you just going to be mad about it?

Again, I know these are hard questions because right now you feel you can't enforce what you want because it would mean HE makes the right choice....or YOU would have to make hard decisions for yourself. Its not fair....and its not easy.


Posts: 5632 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: florida
1devastedmom
♀ Member
Member # 38399
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hell no! If my husband even asked I'd tell him to pack his shit and get the fuck out. He already knows there will be no boys only trips, no trips to Vegas, no bachelor parties I don't care if he's the best man too bad.


Me BS: 42
WH: 44
DDay- April 17, 2013
Married 22 years
3 children: 18, 15 & 9
Reconcilling

Posts: 133 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: 1devastedmom
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No bachelor parties

"Why?" "Because bachelor parties for for bachelors, and you, sir, are not a bachelor. Something you have a habit of forgetting"


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No way.

If he weren't a WS, I would feel differently.

But if my WS thought this was a good idea, for even one second, there would be much larger issues to deal with.


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2216 | Registered: Feb 2010
julesinpain
♀ Member
Member # 36746
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE: although he most likely shouldn't have even thought about going in the first place, he just came home for lunch so we could talk about it.

He said "I understand why you don't want me to go and I will not be going" " I know I brought this on myself" Yea! He is finally getting it!

We talked a little more about it and I thanked him for coming home to talk with me and for not going. I feel much better already!! The guys will hound him and give him crap, but It was great he put my feelings over his about going and not caring what they think. Only one of them knows about his affair.

Thank you everyone for your input and helping me understand that I am not to feel guilty for not wanting him to go on this trip. I appreciate your help!


Me 44
WH 46
DDay 1 8/22/08
DDay 2 9/22/10
DDay 3 12/22/10 same OW each time. (so called friend)
To many TT's to count, last one Jan. 2013 ugh!
Married 21 years, together 23
4 amazing children, 2DS 2DD
Working on it!

Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2012
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 4:26 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay for Mr. JIP!


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
scarednbroken
♀ Member
Member # 41961
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely not. If your WH is temptable that is a place full of it. We lived there for a year. There is literally sex on every street corner, billboards feature naked girls (yes!!!!!), and I think prostitution is actually legal... It is not the place for a man or woman who is prone to straying and is reconciling... When we lived there my WH loved it. He worked two jobs, and lied about taking time off to spend with his "interests." This was when I was pregnant with my now DD15.

If he is asking, I would say, No. Too much temptation. If he is upset you don't trust him, well... I'd apologize and say you have a good reason.

Good luck.


BS: Me 44 WH: 50 Kids: 13, 15, 17, 28 DD: every yr Ow: tons Status: fed-up. A woman should never invest in a relationship she wouldn't want for her daughter, nor should she allow any man to treat her in a way she would scold her son for

Posts: 417 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest
BeyondBreaking
♀ Member
Member # 38020
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent update!

Hopefully next time, he won't even have to ask.

My husband has three friends who are getting married this year. At this point- he already knows how I feel about bachelor parties and I would be really surprised if he even asked.


I have been cheated on by 3 different men, and I have more DDays than anyone ever should. I am here, just trying to pickup the pieces.

At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.

"Love means never having to say you're sorry."


Posts: 840 | Registered: Jan 2013
Razor
♂ Member
Member # 16345
Default  Posted: 5:25 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If WW asked to do this I would tell her to have a good time. And NOT COME BACK.

Deal breaker.


Forgive and forget = Relive and regret.


Posts: 3429 | Registered: Sep 2007
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Your H's friends sound like some of my H's friends. Golfing in Ireland! A guys "weekend" in Florida! What are you? A pussy? That sort of crap! And we are the same age too. Grow up!

I am glad he is not going jules.

Like you, I don't want to "play mommy". I would like to say, "this makes me feel uncomfortable" and he then says, "you knows what? I was an ass for even asking." But I have realized that I need to say No, more. And that's okay.

Yesterday he declined a superbowl party at a known pot head's place. He said he wanted to be at home with me.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
totallyconfused1
♀ Member
Member # 42030
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you got the answer you were looking for.

I would definitely not be comfortable with my spouse going on a Vegas weekend.

The only thing he's allowed to go away to is a golf weekend as long as it's with our best friends husbands' whom I love and trust. Anything else is definitely off the table, and I would be pissed if he even asked.


Me - BS
Him - WS
DD Jan 8 2014

Posts: 78 | Registered: Jan 2014
purplejacket4
♀ Member
Member # 34262
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope.

Too much booze, gambling, booze, hookers, booze, peep shows and booze.

I just got back from there (medical conference) and it's still the hell hole I remember.

There are MANY other placed they could choose to go.

[This message edited by purplejacket4 at 7:06 PM, February 3rd (Monday)]


Me: BS 45
Her: fWS 48 (same sex partner)
Together: 18 years now (both MDs)
OW: meh so what 40s PhD
DD1: 10/30/11EA; DD2: 11/10/11 Had ONS; TT until 12/26/11; broke NC 6/12; NC again 7/12; R-ish

Posts: 2151 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: Great Southwest
Topic Posts: 44
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