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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How the "L" do you?
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Sad  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How the "L" do you get over someone you had a short relationship with?

Long story short. I met this guy a few months ago but didn't give him the time of day. I finally let my guard down and we have gone out dancing a few times, etc. The first time he invited me over to his place, I declined. I'm sure you know where this is going. I eventually accepted his offer and the rest is history.


The guy told me upfront he won't marry so I knew that. He's had long term relationships in the past.

I started having feelings for this guy and now he's moving away. (I mentioned it in my previous post...he's 60 and I'm 45).


If I could go back, I never would have gotten involved with him. But it's too late for that.


Any suggestions? This was my first "relationship" since my marriage blew up years ago. Maybe that why it hurts so much?

[This message edited by LineInTheSand at 8:49 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 495 | Registered: Jul 2008
Undefinabl3
♀ Member
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 1:17 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never wanted to be a friend with benefits but it looks like that's how it turned out.

As someone who in my college days actually had a FWB situation - this is not the case here.

I think what you had was a short relationship that ended.

It doesn't sound like there was malice on either side.

This was my first "relationship" since my marriage blew up years ago. Maybe that why it hurts so much?

This was your first dating experince since being married. I think that you learned some really valubles here too:

Be stronger then the invitation to the next guys place. That was ultimately your choice - and you went fully knowing that he didn't want to marry.

Be firm on you 'don't's....like, if you really want to remarry, don't get involved with a guy that doesnt. Don't think you will change him.

Be kind to yourself. You are not a floozy or easy because you went a few dancing dates with a gentleman caller. Intimacy is a very desired thing, and when you haven't had any in a while, it can be very hard to turn down. This does not make you loose, it makes you human.

Don't give up girl. I think that you will realize that he's probably exactly what you needing in the 'rebound' after marriage.

1. He was fun, taught you that you can have fun again.

2. Everything that was meant to work does (if you know what i mean )

3. He taught you that you need to brush up on what your personal bounderies are (ie not sleeping with them for much longer time, ect).


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2012
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you're hurting, honey. Be gentle with yourself. Based on everything I've read here, the first post-D break up hurts more than you would expect. ((((hugs))))


You can call me NIK

"If you carry joy in your heart, you can heal any moment."
- Carlos Santana


Posts: 25716 | Registered: Aug 2011
whatdoto
♀ Member
Member # 28555
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LineInTheSand

I was getting ready the post the exact story. Except this guy lives across the street, he's not moving. He told me he does not want a relationship. I was OK with that, then. Now, my "feelings" started getting I guess hurt so I now realize that I have to stop. Should have listened to others about waiting until we are emotionally healed somewhat. I've only been D 4 mos. I knew I shouldn't have, but I did. I feel like a heel.

Thanks undefinabl3 for that post.


"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
heartbroken_kk
♀ Member
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 3:01 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing wrong with enjoying a little nookie

You are a consenting adult, and you did nothing wrong. Don't put labels on your choice.


BW then 46, STBXWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life.
D-Day 1 1999, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... 2009 thru 2011.

Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.


Posts: 1220 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry you are going through this.

I have only had one "relationship" since my ex and I separated 4 years ago. There really have not been many men to awake that feeling in me, but this guy... wow. Like you, he was a little bit older than me (mid-40s to my early-30s) and I went into it knowing that we had different long term goals. (I wanted marriage/family and he, divorced with kids, was done with that.)

I thought I could handle a FWB thing, but I fell for this guy very hard and very quickly. I think I deep down thought I could change him, once I showed him how great of a catch I was. I continued to fall for him but once I saw he was not budging on his future plans and I had to get out before I got totally wrecked.

It hurt. A lot. The used feeling came later when I saw how quickly he was able to move on...

So...been there, done that. I think it's part of the NB learning experience...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2256 | Registered: Feb 2010
fireproof
♀ Member
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you remember how you feel and hold out for something better and give yourself a break.

Based upon what I have seen a lot of what we miss is having a partner so we associate the closeness with that feeling but in reality unlike our spouses we only have known people a short time so we sometimes get fooled.

My advice would be moderation and if the guy or any new friendship is meant to be them it will last.

If you know this is how you feel I would as a self love act do not cross that boundary. If you can accept it for what it is and be okay with it then I would enjoy the moment.

As far as the guy I would guess it is a personal thing. I would also guess that being his age he may or may not have a desire for a relationship and enjoys the freedom of being single and meeting different women. He may just want to have fun with no responsibility. Decide what you want.

You can still draw the boundary.

Be gentle with yourself.


Posts: 1006 | Registered: Jul 2012
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:15 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dont beat youself up.
Dating after D is tough (esp for women). We don't want to be prudes but we don't want to be sluts either (ugh all these labels!!!)

I was recently starting a 1st rekationship since D (been D over a year now, so it wasn't like I was rushing)
I move slowly so after date #4 when I still wasn't ready for physical imtamacy and you know what? - he poofed!
So while I held onto my "boundary" I'm dealing with the exact same feelings of hurt (and rejection) as you.

I think we are damned if we do and damned if we don't.
So bottom line: do what makes YOU happy.


Posts: 500 | Registered: Jun 2012
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My goodness! I don't even know how to begin to thank all of you. I felt like crap when I first posted my ordeal. Today I'm feeling so much better.

"My" guy is still trying to contact me. He left a voice mail for me shortly after I wrote my post. He was singing to me. I kid you not! He's moving this Sunday so it really doesn't bother me. I'm sure he'll be looking for a pretty young thing in his new location.


Thanks again for your kind words, encouragement, and advice! You all deserve a trophy!!


Posts: 495 | Registered: Jul 2008
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(No judgement, please...I know some ppl disagree with dating while still not divorced but I'm truly done with my WH and I'm too young and beautiful not to move on when I feel I should!)

I'm approx. 2 months out from DDay. I'm separated for nearly the same amount of time. I met someone on NYE and we have been seeing each other every weekend since then. My STBXWH was the only man I've ever slept with. I decided I was going to have fun and enjoy a romp with this new guy. So far, no regrets although I see how quickly that could change. I know I can very quickly get feelings for him but he lives 2 hours away and distance is good for getting over a lot. All I know is, I can watch this man walk naked from my bed to the bathroom every minute of the day.

If it ends badly, I have to just keep it moving and I know there is no reason to feel badly as long as I have been following my heart/gut/instincts throughout. I extend this message to you. Don't feel badly!


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
LineInTheSand
♀ Member
Member # 20399
Default  Posted: 1:39 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I know is, I can watch this man walk naked from my bed to the bathroom every minute of the day.


[This message edited by LineInTheSand at 8:45 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


Posts: 495 | Registered: Jul 2008
JellyGirl84
♀ Member
Member # 41717
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I almost want to thank my STBXWH and his HO Worker for the opportunity to see that tight ass walking around my bedroom. Lol


Me: BS 30
WH: 30
No kids
Divorced in June 2014
Together 10 yrs, Married for 3 of those yrs
OP: Ho worker
Divorced June 2014

Posts: 162 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nj
homewrecked2011
♀ Member
Member # 34678
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best book I have ever read in my life is Why Men Love Bitches. The title is really just to hook you, but it really helps us to set up boundaries. I have laughed thru this book, and it has taught me how to keep my heart out of situations until I really know the guy -- and the book gives lots of quick ways to see what a guy is really up to.


me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2205 | Registered: Jan 2012
Topic Posts: 13

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