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Newest Member: Devestatedbeyond (44583)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: help with 180
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, don't tell her. Go out and shop for a baby shower gift if you must. Do anything but tell her. Tell your mom, or another friend, or a dog you meet on the street. But crickets to her.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4030 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Brandon808
♂ Member
Member # 35619
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Last night my wife was talking about how she just can't "remove the OM from my life just yet, how do you remove someone from your life?"
She was never supposed to add him to her life to begin with. That would be my answer.


xBH
D final 8/2012

Posts: 3709 | Registered: May 2012 | From: southeast
Midas
♂ Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Telling her you're doing the 180 was likely interpreted by her to mean you hoped to change her mind, because by informing her you made it about her and how she would react.

When I informed her I said "You have hurt me, and your continued contact with the OM continues to hurt me. Until you have no contact with the other man I can not allow myself to become close to you because it hurts too much."

I repeat a simpler version of this when she reaches out to me, "Until there is no contact with the OM I don't feel comfortable with that/"talking about this".

[This message edited by Midas at 6:22 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Midas
♂ Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 6:23 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope, don't tell her. Go out and shop for a baby shower gift if you must.

I was thinking about this on the drive home, I think that is what I will be doing.


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Commanche1
♂ Member
Member # 39692
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Midas, you do not have to stay in limbo, kick your wife off the fence, she is still in her affair, Tell her she needs to move out, that since she can't remove him from her life you will have to remove her from yours. In not choosing you she is choosing him, Tell her that's not what you want but you're not going to share your wife.

Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2013
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't kick your wife, though.
Kick the damn fence.

Am I not allowed to share this information with my wife since I'm attempting a 180? I desperately want to share that news with her. :(

I believe you need to plumb your feelings here. Go deep. I am an internet stranger. Why do you use such words as "allow"? Like permission?

The real question is - what do you "allow" yourself?
How much abuse and toxic entanglement do you "allow" - before you are allowed to be true to yourself?
Set boundaries.
Expect respect.
Stuff like that.

You're asking technical, day-to-day questions.
The next one I suspect is; "Should I fold laundry?"
You can't go on like this.
Stop and grasp the obvious principle.

I believe your desperation is founded in your fear.
Your fear of facing yourself. Alone.

I believe also, that facing that fear straight on will lead you to heights and joys you never imagined.
Bottom line, STOP. Stop making this about someone else and their reactions.
Grab your balls and make it about you.


Posts: 6482 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
Midas
♂ Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sat down with her last night and hashed out finances, child support and custody. Will be heading to mediation soon.

[This message edited by Midas at 12:20 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
Midas
♂ Member
Member # 22832
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe your desperation is founded in your fear.
Your fear of facing yourself. Alone.

Some of it is that, certainly. And I think some is that I don't trust myself at this point to not do what feels good in the moment regardless of the outcome.

We discussed NC (except for about our daughter) this morning, after several bouts of inappropriate affection and intimacy between us. WTF is wrong with me? I know it will hurt, but I poke the hive anyway.

[This message edited by Midas at 8:28 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Midas
Me - 37 (BS)
Her - 36 (STBXWW)

OM#1-4 Dday 2/17/2014 pre-marriage
OM#5 - Dday 2/17/2014 <new info>
OM#6 - Dday 4/30/2006
OM#7 - Dday 1/29/2014

DD - 6yo

Filed for D 2/10/2014


Posts: 99 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Austin, Texas
ConfusednAfraid
♂ New Member
Member # 41940
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, February 9th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to leave a note saying that you are going to the range. Otherwise she might get it into her head that you might do something stupid like shooting yourself or going after the OM and call the cops on you.

I did start a shooting sport hobby this past year, but never really made time for it. Maybe it's time to hit the range. The rifle being missing would be quite obvious and alarming to her, or should I tell her so she isn't sick with worry about why the gun isn't where its suppose to be?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 29
Pages: 1 · 2

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