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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Don't know what to think
Solost2014
♀ New Member
Member # 42237
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope that maybe some of you can help me sort through this and help guide me....

Some background...I've bee with my husband for 8 years, married for 4. I always thought I was safe from him cheating on me because his ex wife cheated on him with his best friend, left him less than a year into their marriage, and is now married to him. I know how much this hurt him, so idiot me thought I didn't have to worry about him hurting me the way he was hurt.

When I first moved in I came across an email, his computer locked up while logging off, where he was looking for "fun" in a city he frequented for business. The email was older, so I didn't think too much of it. He was single before me, he could do what he wanted.

When I got pregnant with our first son I had a VERY difficult pregnancy. I was not allowed to have sex or even any type of orgasm in fear of it putting me into labor at 5 months. During this time I felt like something was going on, but couldn't find anything. He would have to go out late for "work"' etc. I went as far as confronting him, and of course he denied everything. I had our son and things were going ok.

Fast forward, a couple of years. We get pregnant with our second son. While pregnant his attitude changed. He went as far as to call me names including dumbass and fat and ugly when I was 8 weeks pregnant. He then started pulling away again. He wasn't interested in sex again and I chalked it up to the issues I had with my first pregnancy. Once again, I had the feelings but couldn't find any proof.

That brings us to present. In December I get an email from a strange email address. It's a political video with a short comment before that I know came from my husband....I know how he writes. I thought it was odd to get an email from an email address I knew nothing about so I went looking for it. What I found shocked me!! I found the name in a bunch of porn and dating/sex sites. On the dating/sex sites the info matches him....our city, his height, weight, astrological sign, etc. but of course no picture. I immediately call him out on it. He of course denies denies denies. I get the somebody is pretending to be me, somebody is framing me, etc etc etc....I'm sure you know them all. At this point it's right before christmas and I don't want to ruin my boys holiday so I pretend everything is ok. He actually buys me a christmas gift, which we never do, and he's helping more, helping with the boys, etc. After the he holidays, I laid it all out on the table and told him that I have no proof it's him so I need to trust him, but I will not put up with this crap.

This weekend shit hit the fan!! I had been watching his phone, since the dating websites hadn't been accessed since I confronted him. I figured I'd find something on his email on his phone. I looked Sunday morning and I found a reply in his email to a chick on craigslist with a naked pic posted. I also found a draft, started email, replying to "fun before work". I LOST IT!! He was just getting out of the shower and I barged in screaming at him and he of course denied and didn't know what I was talking about. I flipped out and told him to stop lying to me that I now have him red handed. At that point I locked myself in the bathroom with my boys to finish getting them ready. He barged in and I just continued to scream at him, which I'm not proud if since it scared my boys.

So here I am now. He keeps saying it's not him and somebody hacked his email, blah blah blahs. I pointed out to him that it was sent from his yahoo account, which he said he doesn't have yet we used to chat all of the time on yahoo messenger and he has the app on his phone. I told him point blank I don't believe his bs and I'm tired of I his lies. He still denies everything. I told him at this point it would actually make me feel better if he just came clean and said yes I did this I f'd up. He offered me all of his passwords, but I told him to keep them. I told him there is nothing stopping him from opening another email account to hook up with his "friends". He swore to me he wouldn't that he's too afraid of losing me. He keeps denying everything and asking me to help him figure out what's happening and how to stop it.....I looked him straight in the eye and told him "what's happening is my husband is picking up skanks and he needs to stop going to dating sites in order to stop it". He didn't like my answer.

I'm at the point of not knowing what to believe, how to feel, etc. He's still denying everything and has tried explaining how his email could've been hacked, and how it isn't him. I have told him that I'm willing to work on it, but I need absolute truth from him and he needs to come clean, which of course he's still denying everything. He actually left for a business trip this morning and I'm kinda happy. It gives me time alone to try and figure this out. I just want to lay in bed a scream and cry, but I can't because I have my 2 little boys to take care of.

At this point I'll take any words of wisdom, support, help, etc because I'm at a loss. I'm too embarrassed to go to any friends or family, so I feel soooo alone!


Posts: 1 | Registered: Jan 2014
Edith
♀ Member
Member # 38337
Default  Posted: 4:29 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi SoLost, You can go ahead and tell him you've got about 42,000 new friends who do not believe him either. Goodness!!

First thing I would do is reassure the kids that they have done nothing wrong, and that mommy and daddy both love them very much.

Next, I would tell him that his behavior is unacceptable, that it is insulting that he thinks you are stupid enough to buy his LAME stories. You would like to save the M, but until he comes clean and does all the things you need, you are not interested in remaining in the marriage. Then read up on the 180 and implement it like yesterday. Stop cooking his meals, stop doing his laundry, stop anything and everything you do for him. Do not speak to him unless it is about finances or the children. You are disinterested in anything he does, where he goes, whatever.... He is basically invisible to you.

Hang in there! Focus on taking care of yourself and your kids. Sending you big hugs.

E.


Lies are manipulations. Always.

Posts: 387 | Registered: Feb 2013
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:04 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way these low life's all read from the same manual is disgusting. His email was hacked huh? Yeah right. Trust your gut, always. Do not buy his shtick. See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row because he is not taking you seriously right now and you have to mean business. Also, if you don't feel you can turn to friends or family (don't let embarrassment be the only reason--you don't have to divulge what is happening to anyone of course, but the support can be so incredibly helpful, and shame shouldn't be what holds you back from reaching out) then see if you can get into counseling for yourself. This is a lot to handle and can be very overwhelming. I'm sorry you find yourself here. You deserve so much better.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
annb
♀ Member
Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to SI, Solost. I am soooo so sorry you find yourself here. Have you read the articles in the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner? Chock full of great information that will help you begin to process this devastation.

Understand that cheaters lie..and lie...and lie. Based on what you wrote, it sounds as though your husband has been lying for years.

Please make an appt. with your doctor and get tested for STDs immediately. Your husband is playing with fire when it comes to his/your health.

Trust your gut...you knew something was not right back then, you know in your heart that something is very wrong right now.

I also suggest making an appt. with an individual counselor...a good counselor who will help you navigate through this mess.

I'd also implement the 180 now. No contact with him unless it involves the kids and finances....even when he returns from his trip...crickets.

Focus on YOU and your children. Your children need a healthy mom, obviously their dad has deep issues.

Just take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. Continue to post and read. Thousands of members here have your back and best interest at heart.


Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
Topic Posts: 4

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