Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: 4hazel (45322)

Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Questioning is it ok to be "ok"?
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This evening driving my son to karate, I realized I was "ok". I was thinking of my BH, away at work worrying how he was doing how he was feeling, was there anything I could do, as well as thinking on my past. And I felt ok.

I had tears today, I was disappointed in myself and really wondered how I could have been so fucked up. And at the same time answered my self.
I also realized that the resentment, the hate the , shame, the anger I held onto from a young age and on, and had allowed my life to be controlled by was gone. Those things done to me and not done to protect me, I could do nothing about, I have no reason to feel the shame anymore, and the resentment and the anger and the fear of not being loved and not good enough, was not true. I'm ok.

Whether this stays or not I am not sure, but right now I am okay.

What I don't know what to do or where the insecurity or the questioning comes in,is am I being to easy, is it allright to feel okay, Is it allright to know and feel the changes, the strength where there was weakness,

I just went home to my family for my sisters wedding, and I actually didn't hide or keep my opnions to myself, I still help take care of everything and did my duties, but if I disagreed I voiced my opinion, I didn't try and be the "good daughter" the "responsible daughter" the "yes daughter"

Maybe that is part of why I am feeling ok. Because I did not look for their approval, I did not play it safe, I was okay with my own thoughts.

Now that fine and dandy what I find is happening, and why this post is, sadly I'm finding I am doubting myself and >>>>(I don't know the feeling word) I don't think I have to the right to feel okay, I keep hearing part of me saying don't you dare feel good. I know my BH has said HE , I , We can't stay in this bad place,and yet will ask me "you can't be happy?". Right today at that moment I was driving my son, I was, I was relieved, I was me, I was free! and it felt so good, and now, I am crying because of it, because I have caused pain and because I was happy.

THis feeling okay, these moment of happy just feel wrong, un deserving , and yet I don't want to stay in my past. I want to move forward.

And yet it feels wrong.

Does anyone else feel this way?


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
authenticnow
♀ Moderator
Member # 16024
Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't anymore (I am okay with being okay now ), but yes! I remember that feeling very well. After everything, when the truth was all out and I was living authentically and feeling my feelings and working on being as good a version of myself that I can be, I started to feel really comfortable in my own skin, and happy. Finally happy.

But I felt bad, because I knew BH was still struggling. I felt guilty for being okay, knowing he wasn't.

I understand exactly what you're saying.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 37987 | Registered: Sep 2007
helplessme
♀ Member
Member # 41598
Default  Posted: 1:36 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The past few days were actually quite "good" for me. Didn't get any hard lashes from BH and I felt I was feeling "ok" somehow.. after almost 6 months. And yes, I felt some guilt "feeling ok" I am feeling guilty being "happy" a bit because I know that my BH is still hurt and unhappy.

So, Joanh (and authenticnow) we're all on the same boat... feeling "ok" but are we really?

(( hugs )) to you both


Posts: 69 | Registered: Dec 2013
Joanh
♀ Member
Member # 39146
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I talk to my BH about how I am feeling, when it comes to my growth and learning? Or is it something better kept to oneself.

ANd that there are days I am okay.

I have lived in my past so much in the now, I just can't and I like this feeling I like being me. Not anyones expected role, just me. And I feel its wrong.

THe timing sucks, it should have been before all this, years ago, 20 years ago. But the fact is I didn't , I am doing it the fixing and the healing today, and yet I feel so bad when my BH says nothing makes him happy right now. THe weird part is I get that feeling to. I spent hours and hours, days, weeks, trying to figure out why nothing made me feel happy, I had everything. Now I understand. Now I am no longer a victim. Nor will I play one anymore. ANyways this got off and going again. IC not for another 10 days, needed to talk.


BH 39
WW 43
D day November 9, 2012
3 children 22, 8, 6
Just....

Posts: 435 | Registered: Apr 2013
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should I talk to my BH about how I am feeling, when it comes to my growth and learning? Or is it something better kept to oneself.

BH here: not talking about feelings is how affairs happen, how things get named "Trickle Truth," and what destroys reconciliation.

The answer I'll give to any question that starts with, "should I talk to by BH about," is YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. YES!

[This message edited by obliquestrat at 12:17 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
silentscream13
♀ Member
Member # 41693
Default  Posted: 12:40 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had tears today, I was disappointed in myself and really wondered how I could have been so fucked up. And at the same time answered my self.
I also realized that the resentment, the hate the , shame, the anger I held onto from a young age and on, and had allowed my life to be controlled by was gone. Those things done to me and not done to protect me, I could do nothing about, I have no reason to feel the shame anymore, and the resentment and the anger and the fear of not being loved and not good enough, was not true. I'm ok.

Whether this stays or not I am not sure, but right now I am okay.

BW here: It's called progress. Whether you are a WS or BS, the point is to learn from this and grow (even when it hurts). You are letting go of the past and growing. That is not only healthy for you, but also for your BH and your children.

I honestly think both the BS and WS ride that emotional roller coaster after Dday. I think you should enjoy those "okay" moments and be proud that you are doing the work and making progress, again, not only for yourself, but for your BH and family.

I also agree with obliquestrat:

not talking about feelings is how affairs happen, how things get named "Trickle Truth," and what destroys reconciliation.
The answer I'll give to any question that starts with, "should I talk to by BH about," is YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES. YES!

Right now, your BH may feel upset that your feeling okay and he is not, but after awhile he will also notice that you are doing the work. He will then begin to appreciate the okay days/moments and understand that he too benefits from the days/moments when you are feeling okay.

In other words, my long drawn out post means:
Keep up the good work!

[This message edited by silentscream13 at 12:51 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


ME: BS- 40; HIM: WS - 40 (lostmymind13)
OW: TechnicallyMarriedEx-GF - 47
Sexting,OEA/NO PA (but was planning it before he got caught)
D-day - 11-14-13
Together: 18 years; Married: 15 years
4 Children
Apologies: I edit. Often.

Posts: 244 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Nowhere and Everywhere
Topic Posts: 6

Return to Forum: Wayward Side Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.