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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: This is a new one.
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been feeling melancholy lately. That part isn't new. It happens.

What's new is that I got into this mood where I was feeling a lot of things very strongly. To the point where my normal every day life feels sort of two dimensional, gray, cardboard, numb (not as numb as a year ago, but still kind of numb). Then this faded and I'm left wishing I could feel more and feeling vaguely unsatisfied with everything and really just not having the heart to deal with stuff. But I am anyway.

What sucks is that I feel kind of attached to the sadness. I don't want it to go away. At least it goes with strong feelings.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 8:36 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, I realize this is a little over the top, but I'm just sorta venting. I'll be okay. I'm no stranger to weird emotional states.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
risingfromashes
♀ Member
Member # 3903
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is called depression. Sadness you get over. Depression you treat. No shame or blame it happens to the strongest of us all!

Do you have support? Are you IC?


There is life on the other side of hell.

Posts: 1588 | Registered: Mar 2004
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm doing IC, yeah. Plus supplemental EMDR. Plus I'm on antidepressants and I have a psychiatrist who spends 20-30 minutes with me every time I do a med check. I think I'm reasonably okay most of the time and I'm slowly getting better.

However.. that's just what I think. What I feel? I don't know. I feel things gradually improving.

I feel grateful that when my severe depression went away in 2005/2006, the severe depression that I had for years probably due to lots of emotional abuse in my childhood from my NPD/paranoid/screwed up father, that eventually was resolved through EMDR (with the same person I'm doing it with again now).. that it never came back like that. That was a nightmare.

But I suppose it shouldn't blind me to what I'm facing now.

Other things I'm doing to try to get better --

* Started cardio / weight lifting recently with a friend of mine who knows a lot about it.

* Started treatment for sleep apnea more than a year ago, but the past couple months it's not been working as well. However, I talked to the doctor about it recently and I'm getting another sleep study to recalibrate things since I lost a lot of weight last year (and it's possible the style of mask I'm using isn't working well for me any more). Hopefully I won't even need it when I lose more weight, but for now I'm trying to stay on top of it.

* Journaling. I write letters to myself in the future (futureme.org). Generally 1 year in the future. It helps me get stuff off my mind.

* Writing stuff here helps.

* I've pushed very hard to socialize more in the past few months and it's worked. I'm much less timid about situations with lots of strangers, and I've made some really cool friends in that period of time.

Sometimes it all just seems really sad though.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:52 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(It is hard for me to admit to myself that I have depression, even the low grade stuff, but I suppose that's accurate. At least it means things can be much better, right?)


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
nutmegkitty
♀ Member
Member # 33882
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PIC, you may need a med tweak. I was feeling the same numb and dull as you describe and I talked to my psych about it and she tweaked one of my meds and now I can "feel" things again. Just a thought.

Sorry you are feeling so dull. It sucks, I know.


me (BS)
him (NPD Ex)
2 dds
DDay 10/7/11
OW
OC

Divorced 1/17/2013

"Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, freedom is."


Posts: 2570 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: MA
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll mention it.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
omgnome
♂ Member
Member # 36888
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also if you don't mind some advice from another apnea sufferer. Ask your doctor about an APAP machine. I had a CPAP (Automatic/Constant are the differences A/C) for years. It kept things at a constant pressure and when I lost weight the Apnea lessened. So when I went in for a new mask (dogs ate the old one) the doctor wanted me test out the APAP machine. Basically it monitors how you breathe and if you start to breathe less or slow down it will increase pressure to get you back to normal. It made a huge difference in how I sleep.


BS

Posts: 211 | Registered: Sep 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. My machine is "intellipap autoadjust" so I assume that means it's capable of doing APAP? I'll ask.

I assume the sleep study will determine an optimum pressure and then the doctor could still work with me on the autoadjust part.

Also, I purchased a $90 data module recently so I can figure out when I'm taking off my mask. I'm also getting a lot better about teaching myself to remember doing it (this only became a problem recently). So I can do things like adjust humidity, etc.

But yeah, actual professional help with the mask and so on should be nice.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Also, as an amusing aside, I know how to get into the locked down "clinical mode," but I don't abuse it (lets you set pressure, pressure range, what have you). I stick to the doctor's prescription.

I just enjoy tinkering with stuff.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
LoveHerStill
♂ Member
Member # 31504
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Probable, depression sucks. Sounds like you are doing the right things, but maybe a med adjust will help.

Maybe there is something else causing depression? Do you like your job? Is it too stressful? Are your finances causing stress? Find the stressor and work on that.

Also, do you have a hobby you enjoy? I used to ride dirtbikes in my youth. I really missed that. I bought a used bike for 2K and love, love, love riding it! Just a thought.

Hang in there bro.


Me BH-45
Her WW-44
Married-20yrs
Together-26yrs
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.


Posts: 441 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
ProbableIceCream
♂ Member
Member # 37468
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LoveHerStill, good idea.

Job: there's some stress to it but I'm doing well at it and I think the only thing really causing stress is that I wish I had more energy and could do more of what I want to there. Finances are fine.

Hobbies: I'm still sort of looking for new ones. I read, I play piano, take photos.. not counting strength training or treadmill as a hobby, but if I could do a sport I'd count that. And I'm open to volunteering and always trying to spend more time with my daughter.

I do hear you on the stressful things, though, and I think it's possible I'm blind to certain things that I could at least temporarily scale back on or make less stressful in an attempt to figure out what works for me.

Long term, I won't rule many things out. Anything could change.


Me: born 1982.
DD: born 2006 (I have abt 80% custody).
My D-Day was April 2012. Divorced Jul 2013.

Posts: 688 | Registered: Nov 2012
Topic Posts: 12

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