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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Boundaries
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Boundaries: Like so many WSers I have very few boundaries. The boundaries I do have are not necessarily healthy, and are very likely misapplied. In early November I set out some of the few healthy, and properly applied boundaries I have. Itís been difficult, but at the same time it is liberating, and I feel some encouragement from the slight success. (yes I am tooting my own horn here. I was recently reminded by a very angry BH that I cannot expect anyone else to recognize my tiny baby successes.)

Iíve realized through reading, self reflection, and IC that my lack of boundaries applies in almost universal equality throughout my life. Iíve allowed ďfriendsĒ to disrespect my time, care, friendship, and me. Iíve stayed devoutly loyal to people (mother, friends, brother) who have consistently behaved in ways that should have sent me screaming in the other direction. I continue to allow people to step across my comfort threshold. My primary romantic relationship (eg. my BH) is not immune to this symptom.

The causes are listed in my two ďwhyĒ posts. I fall into the spectrum of a personality disorder that predisposes me to allow others to set all boundaries, FOO issues, several forms of abuse... SO - healing, and taking responsibility for myself begins with the tiny baby steps of creating healthy boundaries. As I said, Iíve set some clear boundaries with my NPD/HPD mother, and am still being successful at enforcing them. Right now I am struggling with, and working on (in IC) created a set of healthy boundaries with BH. But every time I sit down to write them out I go blank.

I have several stumbling blocks that I can identify. One, Iím really struggling with the feeling that I do not deserve (or rather do not have the right) to set boundaries. Iíve done the worst thing a person can to someone they love. I took everything either of us cared about and I demolished it, and am now sifting through the ashes trying to find something salvageable to begin rebuilding. I read threads here, and on other sites and I find a lot of scorn for and against a WS who recognizes a boundary and states it. But Iím learning, and am really beginning to believe that a WS who recognizes a boundary and states it should receive some support in taking a very healthy step in healing. Iím not saying that a BS should throw a party. Nor am I saying that they have to like the boundary set, just that it should be acknowledged for what it is: progress.

All of this was inspired by picking up the book Shame and Guilt: Masters of Disguise. It has been recommended on a number of threads on SI, and my BH and I now have a copy of it. I am 4 pages in. Iíve put the book down 3x in the first 4 pages of the introduction to the book. 2x I put the book down to cry, the third I put it down to think, write and process. Rage has been a stumbling block for me. Iím working with my IC very hard to uncover what my fears are, and what is driving the anger. But I read this ďAdults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing, or isolation.Ē And I had that awful gut-punch of an aha that I wish I didnít have to own.

My rage is a maladaptive way I have for building boundaries. Not real boundaries, because I am only now learning how to do that. But I rage to silence the person I perceive as attacking me. I rage to protect the vulnerable afraid person who no one gets to see. This book is going to be difficult to read. It is clearly a book I need to read, and process, and learn from.

So hereís what I am wondering: What have you done to build healthy boundaries, and how did you begin to do so amongst the wreckage you created within your marriage?


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 366 | Registered: Dec 2013
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What have you done to build healthy boundaries, and how did you begin to do so amongst the wreckage you created within your marriage?

Wayflost...

The very first thing I ask myself is "How will this make MH feel?" and right there I have my answer on whether or not I should move forward with what I was thinking of doing.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 196562 | Registered: May 2002
cdnmommy
♀ Member
Member # 30182
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what really stood out for me in your post:
My rage is a maladaptive way I have for building boundaries. Not real boundaries, because I am only now learning how to do that. But I rage to silence the person I perceive as attacking me. I rage to protect the vulnerable afraid person who no one gets to see. This book is going to be difficult to read. It is clearly a book I need to read, and process, and learn from.

If you are getting a lot out of a book about shame, you might want to read some of Brene Brown's work. She has done a ton of research on shame and vulnerability, and it is really enlightening. This is from her book The Gifts of Imperfection:

ďWhen we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated. This is why we sometimes attack who they are, which is far more hurtful than addressing a behavior or a choice.Ē

This is what I thought of when I read about your rage.

We all need boundaries. But, and I can see you recognize this, boundaries are not just about our own behaviour and what we will or won't permit ourselves to do. They are about what we will or won't allow others to do to us as well. You need both in order to have healthy relationships. That's why I will always support a WS who feels they need to establish boundaries with respect to their BS, provided the boundaries are in the interest of creating a healthy relationship.

I personally think about boundaries not as being restrictive, but as being liberating.

This:

And I had that awful gut-punch of an aha that I wish I didnít have to own.

is something I think you will eventually be very glad to have experienced. :)

Anyway, I think you are really on to something, and wish you good luck on your journey!


Me: BW
DDay: Oct 2010 + 6 weeks false R
2.5 (+?) year A with married coworker/my "friend"
1 great kid.
Reconciling and healing

Posts: 1726 | Registered: Nov 2010
Wayflost
♀ Member
Member # 41583
Default  Posted: 5:44 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DS - First think every morning I get up and make BH's bed, because he once commented when we were on vacation how nice it was to have the bed made every day. Then I start thinking about what other things I can do for him. Such as, make a decision about dinner (not my strong suit) projects around the house, dishes laundry, job applications etc. Any interaction I have with anyone is now weighed against what BH might feel about it. At the same time, every interaction I have with BH is now weighed against how I feel about me and hat I think I want. It isn't perfect, but it's a start. I am, after all a work in progress.

CDN - Thank you for your feedback. I know that some of the things I want to ask for are very difficult when so close to D-day. Some of them are much harder when my BH is in the grips of the anger stage. I'm also realizing that much of my reaction is based in my shame and guilt for the things I have done. Of course the way I react to it makes him feel as though I am not sorry for the choices, but only because I was caught. I have so much work to do. Recognizing my need for boundaries is a critical first step.


Me: WW
Him: BH (totalheartbreak)
Both: 30s

Appalled by my actions, and the choice to set off several atomic bombs in my life.


Posts: 366 | Registered: Dec 2013
Topic Posts: 4

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