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Newest Member: Highlanderlady (45437)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Opportunity to see AP
Needadrink
♀ Member
Member # 40512
Default  Posted: 5:27 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had this obsession to see what AP looks like. I now know where she works and albeit she is in another state to me I will be visiting there next week. I am torn with the feeling of going to check her out. Will it make me feel better or worse I just don't know?


BS 57
WH 58
M 28 yrs together 32
D Day 10th April 2013
20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 5:40 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, say she is super good looking how will that make you feel? Hell if she is ugly as a$$ it will still make you feel like crap. No good can come of it.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:00 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feel your feelings on this....just don't use them as justification to act on those feelings.

I remember wanting to believe my wifes OM was this pillar of the community, loving father of 5....so I did for a bit. Because I FELT my wife found someone better. After all, surely it was my fault she left....surely he was a Tom Selleck type. My wife had morals....she wouldn't sleep with just anybody....especially not after only about 80 hours of being with him.....right?

This is my logic at work.....IC helped me a bunch process through stuff that I spent a life time just coping with.....but that paragraph accurately describes how I felt immediately upon DD. And my wife was very willing to see me react like this...because it tied in nicely to the fantasy she had about who he was and what the affair was......it was NOT like all other adultery.....her A was special, different.

Then reality started to filter in for both my wife and I. It turns out her OM was very comfortable with adultery....reportedly had another OW before my wife and confirmed to have found another OW 2 months after dumping my wife. He is also 20 pounds heavier then me with a double chin and belly on him. This is the type of man she killed her M to me for.....but, then, what type of AP is worth adultery?

Point is....it really matters not what the AP looks like, what qualities they possess, etc. Fact is they choose adultery just like our spouses did. They willingly engaged in activities that kill marriages, destroy families, and erode souls.

Don't let your feelings cause you to take action that erodes your soul. A BS has to pay a heavy enough price for actions NOT of their own choosing....don't voluntarily add cost to your journey by seeking out the AP.

It is written and spoken about in counseling sessions that adultery is not about the AP, it is about the person choosing to engage in it. It is selfishness to the core. It is two selfish people getting exactly what they want, when they want, and to hell with the consequences. It is NOT a M where you protect each other and support each other from the world.....it is two people escaping and hiding from the world.


Something I DO think is worthwhile is to seek out the other BS and deliver the facts as you know them to them. 18 months into this and that was one of my healthiest decisions.


God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:13 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 6:03 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can only catch a fleeting glance of her then the reality of what she looks like will be skewed for you!

Although- I always like to put a picture to a name or an object so I guess if it were me I would try to sneak a peak.

Better still is if she doesn't know what you look like then, depending on where she works, if it's a public place I would stroll right up and start a conversation with her!!

But that is just me!

Many more folks will probably advise you crickets are always going to be your best friend as, once you f**k that donkey it can never have a hymen repair


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1584 | Registered: Jul 2009
Needadrink
♀ Member
Member # 40512
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could track him down but I don't have any information on him.


BS 57
WH 58
M 28 yrs together 32
D Day 10th April 2013
20 Yrs of Infidelity with long term affair 18 yrs but only seen a couple of times a year. 3 Prostitutes, sexual Massages.Ongoing Porn. lapdances.

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 6:06 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually was in you shoes, sort of. I got a photographer to send me a picture he took of her, under the guise of a photography lesson (He's what we call in the biz a DWC Dude With Camera - he takes sexy pics of girls for free, so he can ogle them...) at first, it made me miserable. She looked pretty, which my FWH said she wasn't. But oddly, the very next day, totally by chance, i walk into a restaurant and there she is. So, not very pretty really. As my husband said. She was frowny and hateful. But she was humanized. She's just a confused broken little girl, who was more scared of me than i was of her.

It could go both ways


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:08 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This was something that bothered me. She lives in the next town and felt she had an advantage in knowing what I look like. (Much as I have my facebook locked up, anyone can see my profile pic.)

It took a year and a half for me to figure out where I could find a photo of her. Since this is the Reconciliation board, I'll refrain from describing the MOW.

Now I feel as if I have some control should I happen to spot her when I/we are out.

As others have stated, it is a personal choice. In my situation, since there is the possibility that we could run into one another, I had a need to know.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1055 | Registered: Mar 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

who was more scared of me than i was of her.

I DID see my wifes fAP....I showed up on his porch at 9 at night. This happened about a month after I called him and he texted me back saying he was sorry and the A was over.....when I discovered it had gone underground for a month while we were in MC, blah blah blah I talked to my pastor and we discussed righteous anger. My family was under attack and I had a duty to protect it. Sadly, this was NOT my first reaction....I was very willing to settle for a text response to my voicemail to the OM. It was a wacked point in time for me.......I still struggle with what it means to be Christian and live righteously.

Anyway.....the above quote resonated with me because....


His demeanor on his front porch reminded me of the used care sales man in the movie True Lies...this mysterious, strong, calm, suave man my wife choose to sleep with turned out to be a very scared little man once the lights were on. Sadly, it took my wife months later to see him in the light he really lives in....continues to choose to live in.

Really.....at the end of the day.....is it possible for any AP to be of good moral fiber? Would a person with morals either choose to work on their respective M or seek a D before engaging in adultery?

So I guess I DID seek out the AP....my pastor counseled me on righteous anger and the proper use of it.

But hopefully you can see how I got to the point of seeking him out. I honestly believe that, had my wifes A ended that original night I would not have confronted him.

Sadly, had it ended that original night...my wife would never had committed full on adultery.....because the sex did not take place until AFTER DD. Yep, I am still working on why it took me so long to find and use righteous anger.....it could have prevented some pain. I thank God no STDs were involved....unprotected sex with two middle aged people who had less than 80 hours face time. Just amazed at how we dodged that bullet.....especially knowing what we now know about his desires and activities.

God help us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 4041 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I talked to my pastor and we discussed righteous anger. My family was under attack and I had a duty to protect it

I reacted to my husband's affairs - especially APs on Ddays - with righteous anger. And I'm very glad I did. There is a time and place for it and under the condition that it's protecting the family it's perfectly acceptable, IMHO.
I'm not saying this because you are disappointed you didn't do this right away, I'm saying this because if there are others reading this, maybe they'll take some action. not sure.

needadrink: It's good to know who your enemies are but if she's not going to be in your orbit often I wonder if it makes sense to find out who she is?.
I saw OW#1 a couple weeks ago. She was more afraid of me than I of her.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5325 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand your need to see what the AP looks like. I had it, too. I was obsessed with finding out what OW looked like for months. I was obsessed and it was driving me crazy.

I was finally able to find out what OW looked like and it really gave me peace about that particular part of the affair. If you are like me, I would have to go and get a look at her. Do you think it will give you peace to see what she looks like?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9836 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
LAFA
♂ Member
Member # 31868
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It truly doesn't matter. You are already well aware of the sickness and ugliness on the inside, how would the external packaging do anything for you? Pain for you is more likely than satisfaction for you, no matter if you cast eyes upon an apparent goddess, or a seeming chimpanzee. Your own interior value is far superior, please don't lose sight of that.


When you put someone on a pedestal, they quickly learn two things. The view is mighty good from up there, and it is a fine vantage from which to kick.

Posts: 184 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: Hawaii
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd do it. You deserve to know what you want to know. I think you will fight against these feelings for a long time. Go take a look and put an end to the "what ifs".


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6569 | Registered: Jan 2011
UKlady
♀ Member
Member # 39058
Default  Posted: 3:17 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone''s opinion on this will vary - though there seem to be two main camps, the do it and the don''t do it!

I had no idea about my WH''s AP. One day (the day of getting clear STD test results) I decided to drive my car to her skanky area of town and sit outside her home. I had no idea if I would see her or not - I only knew the exact house number. I toyed with knocking on the door and then just standing there but decided not to. For some reason just sitting there, seeing in real life (i.e. not just Google street view lol) the actual place ''it'' happened brought me a kind of peace.

With regard to what she looks like, in one of my too many to mention outbursts of crying, sobbing, questioning I asked him what she looked like. His only answer was related to her height and size and hair colour. This kept me quiet a while.

However, I couldn''t help myself and eventually found a way to track down her profile pic on Facebook (she''s very clever at hiding her online persona) and now I''ve seen two pictures of her. I won''t describe her - it doesn''t matter to anyone here and I do believe that it''s not about how the AP looks BUT again it did give me a certain peace of mind.

You will do what you have a mind to ultimately - it will be your decision. I''m currently battling doing something which will have an impact on her - haven''t posted about this in here, did it in General probably because I know that in this forum I''ll be told not to do it. But it''s almost like my mind is made up irrespective of what anyone says and if there are consequences it will be my own fault but it will have been my decision.

Good luck Needadrink

[This message edited by UKlady at 3:18 AM, February 5th, 2014 (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 48
Married: 6 years, together 9 years
D-day: 3 January 2013 - he confessed.
A: June-Dec 2012
No children.

Posts: 153 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
ShedSomeLight
♀ Member
Member # 40212
Default  Posted: 5:43 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say if you can avoid it ...do so. I had no choice. The "AP" stalked me. That is how I found out about her. I was given her name by Law Enforcement !! When her name was revealed, he confessed to the affair !!! The AP has 4 felonies convictions for stalking me for months. He had no idea it was her. When I saw her in court...she hung her head and only looked at me once. I was with my Attorney. Sick thing about her...she also stalked another woman too in one of her prior affairs. Tons of police records. So I am a crime victim, but I have my own Attorney to make things easier. After I saw her for the first time, I was shocked. She is a ugly TROLL !!! Short...bad hair and cheap clothes !!! Cheaters go for availability !!! When I got home from the first court date, I cried a lot. I am working things out with my "H" and my DD was 7/31 and things are going well. I think you should pass on seeing her !!!

Posts: 127 | Registered: Aug 2013
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to see for myself because I was making myself crazy everywhere (and I mean everywhere!!) I went wondering if that was her. Didn't make me feel any better-it just stopped the obsessive staring at females thinking it could be her, or her, or her, etc

Posts: 109 | Registered: Nov 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 12:53 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would need to know. I would see her in every woman if I did not know what she looked like. I think knowing exactly who she is and what she looks like would allow me to erase the other 99.999999% of the population. But that is me and how I am wired. Knowledge, for me, is power, while the unknown scares me. The not knowing would make me a crazy, or crazier, person.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1532 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
Topic Posts: 16

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