I remember wanting to believe my wifes OM was this pillar of the community, loving father of 5....so I did for a bit. Because I FELT my wife found someone better. After all, surely it was my fault she left....surely he was a Tom Selleck type. My wife had morals....she wouldn't sleep with just anybody....especially not after only about 80 hours of being with him.....right?
This is my logic at work.....IC helped me a bunch process through stuff that I spent a life time just coping with.....but that paragraph accurately describes how I felt immediately upon DD. And my wife was very willing to see me react like this...because it tied in nicely to the fantasy she had about who he was and what the affair was......it was NOT like all other adultery.....her A was special, different.
Then reality started to filter in for both my wife and I. It turns out her OM was very comfortable with adultery....reportedly had another OW before my wife and confirmed to have found another OW 2 months after dumping my wife. He is also 20 pounds heavier then me with a double chin and belly on him. This is the type of man she killed her M to me for.....but, then, what type of AP is worth adultery?
Point is....it really matters not what the AP looks like, what qualities they possess, etc. Fact is they choose adultery just like our spouses did. They willingly engaged in activities that kill marriages, destroy families, and erode souls.
Don't let your feelings cause you to take action that erodes your soul. A BS has to pay a heavy enough price for actions NOT of their own choosing....don't voluntarily add cost to your journey by seeking out the AP.
It is written and spoken about in counseling sessions that adultery is not about the AP, it is about the person choosing to engage in it. It is selfishness to the core. It is two selfish people getting exactly what they want, when they want, and to hell with the consequences. It is NOT a M where you protect each other and support each other from the world.....it is two people escaping and hiding from the world.
Something I DO think is worthwhile is to seek out the other BS and deliver the facts as you know them to them. 18 months into this and that was one of my healthiest decisions.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:13 AM, February 4th (Tuesday)]
Although- I always like to put a picture to a name or an object so I guess if it were me I would try to sneak a peak.
Better still is if she doesn't know what you look like then, depending on where she works, if it's a public place I would stroll right up and start a conversation with her!!
But that is just me!
Many more folks will probably advise you crickets are always going to be your best friend as, once you f**k that donkey it can never have a hymen repair
It could go both ways
It took a year and a half for me to figure out where I could find a photo of her. Since this is the Reconciliation board, I'll refrain from describing the MOW.
Now I feel as if I have some control should I happen to spot her when I/we are out.
As others have stated, it is a personal choice. In my situation, since there is the possibility that we could run into one another, I had a need to know.
who was more scared of me than i was of her.
I DID see my wifes fAP....I showed up on his porch at 9 at night. This happened about a month after I called him and he texted me back saying he was sorry and the A was over.....when I discovered it had gone underground for a month while we were in MC, blah blah blah I talked to my pastor and we discussed righteous anger. My family was under attack and I had a duty to protect it. Sadly, this was NOT my first reaction....I was very willing to settle for a text response to my voicemail to the OM. It was a wacked point in time for me.......I still struggle with what it means to be Christian and live righteously.
Anyway.....the above quote resonated with me because....
His demeanor on his front porch reminded me of the used care sales man in the movie True Lies...this mysterious, strong, calm, suave man my wife choose to sleep with turned out to be a very scared little man once the lights were on. Sadly, it took my wife months later to see him in the light he really lives in....continues to choose to live in.
Really.....at the end of the day.....is it possible for any AP to be of good moral fiber? Would a person with morals either choose to work on their respective M or seek a D before engaging in adultery?
So I guess I DID seek out the AP....my pastor counseled me on righteous anger and the proper use of it.
But hopefully you can see how I got to the point of seeking him out. I honestly believe that, had my wifes A ended that original night I would not have confronted him.
Sadly, had it ended that original night...my wife would never had committed full on adultery.....because the sex did not take place until AFTER DD. Yep, I am still working on why it took me so long to find and use righteous anger.....it could have prevented some pain. I thank God no STDs were involved....unprotected sex with two middle aged people who had less than 80 hours face time. Just amazed at how we dodged that bullet.....especially knowing what we now know about his desires and activities.
God help us all.
I talked to my pastor and we discussed righteous anger. My family was under attack and I had a duty to protect it
I reacted to my husband's affairs - especially APs on Ddays - with righteous anger. And I'm very glad I did. There is a time and place for it and under the condition that it's protecting the family it's perfectly acceptable, IMHO.
I'm not saying this because you are disappointed you didn't do this right away, I'm saying this because if there are others reading this, maybe they'll take some action. not sure.
needadrink: It's good to know who your enemies are but if she's not going to be in your orbit often I wonder if it makes sense to find out who she is?.
I saw OW#1 a couple weeks ago. She was more afraid of me than I of her.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I was finally able to find out what OW looked like and it really gave me peace about that particular part of the affair. If you are like me, I would have to go and get a look at her. Do you think it will give you peace to see what she looks like?
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
I had no idea about my WH''s AP. One day (the day of getting clear STD test results) I decided to drive my car to her skanky area of town and sit outside her home. I had no idea if I would see her or not - I only knew the exact house number. I toyed with knocking on the door and then just standing there but decided not to. For some reason just sitting there, seeing in real life (i.e. not just Google street view lol) the actual place ''it'' happened brought me a kind of peace.
With regard to what she looks like, in one of my too many to mention outbursts of crying, sobbing, questioning I asked him what she looked like. His only answer was related to her height and size and hair colour. This kept me quiet a while.
However, I couldn''t help myself and eventually found a way to track down her profile pic on Facebook (she''s very clever at hiding her online persona) and now I''ve seen two pictures of her. I won''t describe her - it doesn''t matter to anyone here and I do believe that it''s not about how the AP looks BUT again it did give me a certain peace of mind.
You will do what you have a mind to ultimately - it will be your decision. I''m currently battling doing something which will have an impact on her - haven''t posted about this in here, did it in General probably because I know that in this forum I''ll be told not to do it. But it''s almost like my mind is made up irrespective of what anyone says and if there are consequences it will be my own fault but it will have been my decision.
Good luck Needadrink
[This message edited by UKlady at 3:18 AM, February 5th, 2014 (Wednesday)]
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.