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User Topic: What Have I Done?
lrmom
♀ New Member
Member # 42335
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know any of the lingo yet but know I'm in the right place as I'm the one who screwed up. I cheated on my husband nearly two years ago. After actually having "intercourse" after being intimate/physical for a while prior, I decided I couldn't and wanted to recommit to my husband. I have worked so hard for the past year to rebuild our marriage, which was at rock bottom at the time - and no, that is NOT an excuse for my behavior - I accept FULL responsibility for my actions. Husband admits things have never been better but after finding out about my infidelity last night, he says he doesn't know that he can stay, trust me ever again, believe anything I say, etc. We were both up all night absolutely sick over this. I am willing to do anything to earn back his trust - I just don't even know where to begin.

Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lrmom...

Has all contact ended with the OM?

(all the abbreviations are listing in the Healing Library, to the left in the yellow box, under the link Abbreviations)

One of the biggest problems you're facing is that you may have been working hard on the marriage that past year, but your husband is now viewing it as based on lies. You've had two years to try and come to terms with things, but this is all brand new for your husband.

Is counseling an option for you both?


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197248 | Registered: May 2002
lrmom
♀ New Member
Member # 42335
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes - everything has ended and I am 10000% committed to my husband and our marriage and our family.

We are trying to get in to the counselor we saw two years ago today.


Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Those are two very important steps you've taken...good for you!

I would suggest that you write out a timeline of events...starting from the very beginning on how it all started up until the end of the affair. Do not leave anything out, your honesty from this day forward will be the only thing that will save you and help rebuild your marriage.


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197248 | Registered: May 2002
2yrsblind
♂ Member
Member # 41974
Default  Posted: 9:33 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The best advice I can give as a BH, is be totally honest and put it all on the table NOW. As much as he wants to know. Don't make the mistake of thinking your protecting him, when holding back only protects you.


The most damaging lies told are those we tell to ourselves--my grandma

Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Midwest USA
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never got a timeline... yet?.... but I loved some advice I read here on SI...

Make 2 timelines. One with basic info, dates, etc. The second with gory details. Seal it. Give him the first basic timeline. Let him decide if he wants the additional stuff. Not everyone wants it or can handle it. But he should know that you are willing to give it to him if he wants it.

I thought that was genious. Just wanted to pass it along.

Best of luck to you. Many of us BS's wish we had spouses that were so remorseful.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 656 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would suggest that you write out a timeline of events...starting from the very beginning on how it all started up until the end of the affair. Do not leave anything out, your honesty from this day forward will be the only thing that will save you and help rebuild your marriage.

As a betrayed husband (BH) I want to emphasis the importance of what Deeply Scared has said. Any half truths or lies of omission can be as painful as the affair itself. Get "everything" out in the open and be forthcoming in the many questions that will be coming. Showing your BH that you can be trusted from this point forward is a big step towards reconciliation.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5634 | Registered: Aug 2007
lrmom
♀ New Member
Member # 42335
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what I wrote out - I will give it to him when he wakes up. We have counseling tonight at 6pm.

Early 2012:
Started talking
Learned of daughter
He knew I was married but unhappy and in counseling.
Used daughter needing help w school as excuse to meet
Tutored daughter
Only saw him a total of maybe 7-8 times. The first few times were exclusively to tutor his daughter – he wasn’t home a couple of the times.
Talked about meeting 1-1 if he ever knew I was going to possibly be alone but never did.
He “joked” that he could “pay me” for tutoring with sexual favors. We messed around maybe 2-3 times for no more than 10 minutes. The last time I saw him was at his rental house when we ended up having intercourse.
I was never available after that – came up with excuses, etc. as I felt so awful.
He bailed saying that things went “too fast” with kids involved.
The emotional bull shit “I love you” etc. was more of an “I love how this feels – being desired and wanted” – not that I was ever close to loving him or the situation.


2-3 times last year (2013)
He’d ask how I was doing and I did the same.
Asked if either of us were seeing anyone – I always said no.
He asked to see me again and I always said no.

• I have had NO desire to see him or anyone else aside from my husband since this.
• None of this is your fault in any way, shape or form.
• I never stopped wanting or loving you. This was not about hurting you – it was 100% selfish.
• The fact that we were having issues is NOT an excuse for my behavior. It was a choice I made and I know that and own it.
• My marriage and keeping it together is my #1 priority – it wasn’t always but is now and always will be.
• I have contemplated leaving, suicide, trying to disappear, etc. but finally decided to recommit to my marriage.
• I am more sorry than I have ever been about anything in my life.
• I will do anything to rebuild my husband's trust in me
o switch to a flip phone with a new phone number with only phone access – no text, no internet, etc.
o use only my work email which matt can have access to
o always keep a file on my husband's desktop with all passwords to any and all accounts of any kind I have
o go to any form of counseling he wants with his choice of counselor



Posts: 3 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
WarpSpeed
♂ Member
Member # 32051
Default  Posted: 10:41 AM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My marriage and keeping it together is my #1 priority – it wasn’t always but is now and always will be.

Some others will likely jump in with other advice but here's one thought.

Our marriage, not my marriage.

And, in terms of number one priorities, it is probably doing everything possible to help your spouse heal. The M is something you want, and hopefully he wants, but the message to him probably needs to be that you want to do whatever you can to help heal the pain and turmoil that you've caused.

You are absolutely working on the right things. Want to say to you that this is a long term effort to heal; years. Go into it with that in mind. There is a ton of work to be done and there will be ups and downs. Think of what you are doing as a great start, but know that this great start needs a very long term effort.

best luck


Me: BS (51)
Her: fWW (50)
Married 26 years
Two sons in college
Empty closet and note on bed Jan 2010, She filed for D Mar 2010, D final May 2010, Actually had D-Day and found out why it all happened July 2010. Remarried on 23rd Anniv Aug 2010

Posts: 1489 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas
OktoberMest
♀ Member
Member # 34173
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Irmom,

Sounds like you are making a good start and I commend you for writing this all down.

Just one feedback point:

Only saw him a total of maybe 7-8 times. The first few times were exclusively to tutor his daughter – he wasn’t home a couple of the times.

Drop the word only. It might seem like semantics but you mean it as a throw away word to emphasis the few episodes, he will read it an minimising...particularly as you follow on with a justification...he wasn't home etc....Just make simple statements with no ability to read the wrong emphasis into or give you potential to minimise/justify and make things clearer by using pronouns and clarify exactly what "messing around" means. Drop the maybes and 2-3 for a definitively number to give your BH more confidence in your recollections. Own your decisions...after you slept with the OM you may want reword the bit about how awful YOU felt.

I'd suggest rewording to a simpler version, e.g.:

Early 2012:
I started talking to the OM
I learned about his daughter
I told him I was married, but unhappy and in counseling.
I used his daughter needing help w school as excuse to meet him
I started tutoring his daughter
I saw him a maximum of 8 times. The first few times were exclusively to tutor his daughter; he wasn’t home for a couple of these sessions.
We talked about meeting 1-1 if he ever knew I was going to possibly be alone but we never did.
He “joked” that he could “pay me” for tutoring with sexual favors. We kissed/touched each other sexually, 3 times for no more than 10 minutes.
The last time I saw him was at his rental house when we had intercourse.
I was never available after that: I came up with excuses as I felt so awful.
He bailed saying that things went “too fast” with kids involved.

Finally, this last section is unclear. Were you the one saying you loved how this feels or was this the OM telling you? I get the impression it was you as you follow up with a minimisation...

The emotional bull shit “I love you” etc. was more of an “I love how this feels – being desired and wanted” – not that I was ever close to loving him or the situation.

Maybe try: I did not tell him I loved him nor thatI loved the situation I had created, but I did tell the OM things like "I love how it feels to be desired and wanted".

The rewording makes the words seem harsher perhaps but they are your words as it happened, but owning your shit and not avoiding or minimising. It may look harder to read, but I suspect your BH would rather not have any lines to read between.

Hope that helps.
OKM.


[This message edited by OktoberMest at 1:54 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


Me: FWW (35) Growing up at last.
LonelyHusband: BH (41)
Dday 1: 29/Oct/11; Dday 2:15/Nov/11; last TT 15/Mar/12
In R...working my arse off.
When you're struggling with commitment to your marriage, just imagine what it's like to be a penguin.

Posts: 558 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: UK
Tickingtock
♀ Member
Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Asked if either of us were seeing anyone – I always said no.

This ^^^ made me cringe. Because you were seeing someone: your husband. I strongly recommend that you drop it before you show it to BH.


Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 160 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
Topic Posts: 11

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