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Newest Member: 4hazel (45322)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need someone to talk to
hurts123
♂ New Member
Member # 42340
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She texted me "I'm sorry.." this morning as she got to work. No reply, 180 yes?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Tucson
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 10:01 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't believe one month ago, we're as happy as can be, and then some older guy with a gf comes in between us and ruins relationship for good :'

No, the older guy didn't ruin the relationship: she did.

And yes, the 180 is in order. Time to move on and try to realize (I know it's hard) that you have been given an opportunity. If I could go back and be in your shoes rather than find out at age 51 that my husband was "engaged" to another women, I would do it in a heartbeat. Run while you have the chance.


Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1494 | Registered: Nov 2010
norabird
♀ Member
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

'I'm sorry' is so woefully inadequate that it makes me angry for you. Actions not words. Don't respond to her. Don't buy her attempt to patch this over.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Man, you asked for advice, so here it comes: Leave her. Take the ring to a pawn shop, and move on. You have been spared. Count your blessings that you're not married and move on.

With my WW, I got "I'm sorry I hurt you" Sunday and Monday morning, and then I caught her with the OM Monday night.

I'm going to punch the next person that tells me "I'm sorry" in the face. "I'm sorry" is a waste of breath. Have you ever heard "Actions speak louder than words"? It's true my friend. Her actions speak for themselves, and "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything.

I am truly sorry (no pun intended, and I just punched myself in the face ) that you are hurting and dealing with this right now.

Last bit of advice: If you love her and just can not live without her, whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY HER ANY TIME SOON. If she loves you the way you deserve to be loved, she'll understand, she'll stick with you, and she'll EARN a proposal when YOU are ready. Otherwise, you can do better, so move on.

Hang in there brother.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
hurts123
♂ New Member
Member # 42340
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she need to know about this 180? I was going to tell her last night when she came home, but I got so mad that I just left. I'm not sure if not talking to her at all is what I have to do, or if I can just tell her I'm not speaking to you unless OM is out?

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Tucson
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regardless of how this ends…please go return the ring. Please get your money back. If you are able to work it out, do you really want to put that ring on her finger anyway? You can always buy a new one later.

She is feeling guilt, and not remorse. Those are two different things. She is also nowhere close to ending it with the OM if she is defending herself. "The 20 questions…" is defending herself.

Do the 180 to protect yourself, not to "win her back". It will take a little time to pull away and see things more clearly.

If someone wants to walk out of your life…let them. IF she wants to be with you, she will SHOW you. Right now, she is SHOWING you who she really is.

I'm sorry.

Go return the ring.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4180 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does she need to know about this 180? I was going to tell her last night when she came home, but I got so mad that I just left. I'm not sure if not talking to her at all is what I have to do, or if I can just tell her I'm not speaking to you unless OM is out?

cmego is right. The 180 is not about winning her back. This is about you getting better and strong. Walking out was perfect. Do not answer any of her texts. Do not let her know about this 180. She doesn't need to know about it. It's for YOU. Not her.

I feel for you hurt123. I really do. You are in a very painful fog and she has no idea what she has done to you. Be thankful you can get out. I don't want to make this thread about me, but apparently my mother pulled some shit sort of like this before my parent's got married when my dad was in Vietnam. Wanna know what happened? I just posted to Dealing with an affair 25 years later just below your thread here. I have 4 threads about it. If you want to waste an hour of your life, read them. Or even just the first one. Not that your fiancee is like my mom, but to me, kinda sounds like she is. There are thousands of stories here on this site where the betrayed spouse wishes they could have seen the signs more clearly towards the beginning of their relationship. Take a look around.

Again, not to scare you. But you do have a "gift" here in your hands where you get to make some decisions without A LOT more on your plate (kids, etc). I know you are hurting and it's hard. Get up off the floor and protect yourself. NC for yourself.

yop

ETA - added the word "wishes" above

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:14 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
hurts123
♂ New Member
Member # 42340
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm definitely returning the ring, no doubt about that. I won't be marrying her anytime soon. It's just the aftermath that I'm afraid of. I built a life with this woman, and I know I don't have kids or a marriage with her, but we did have a life together. We loved the same things so every time I go to the gym now, I'm going to be reminded of the my workout buddy and so on.. Our lives were very intertwined and now I feel like I'm paying the price for being so close with her :( I had a dream 2 nights ago, that we were fine and nothing had happened, and then I woke up with this huge smile.. then I remembered everything.. it's been so hard :( I understand that I have to find a way to move on, that these memories are just going to destroy me inside, and that I need to continue on with my life... I just wish I was continuing on with my life with her

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Tucson
Uhtred
♂ Member
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Friend,

She just gave you probably one of the biggest gifts you'll ever receive and that is by not making the mistake of your life by marrying her. I know 2 years from you'll look back and say "Thank God".

I love my wife but wish like hell she'd have done this to me in the beginning before promises were made and promises were broken. I of course don't regret anything because of my two children whom I love more than anything in the world but they complicate a situation like this very much. Stay strong brother.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 616 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 7:16 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey there hurts123. Thought I would check in to see how you are doing. Read the thread I Promise from movingforward13. That was just posted a little while ago. You could use it.

Hang in there hurts123


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
hurts123
♂ New Member
Member # 42340
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for taking the time to check up on me. I am doing good for now, I haven't contacted her, and I tried to keep myself busy today with school and hw. I also cancelled my valentines order today. That was pretty hard. I also sold my George Lopez tickets that I was going to be taking her to see on Valentines day as well. I won't be needing those anymore. It still hurts a lot, but baby steps I guess.

That story gives me some hope, I just hope I have the strength to overcome everything!


Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Tucson
positively4thst
♀ Member
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are getting some really good advice here by others that have walked in your shoes, or maybe walked over the coals barefoot would be a better analogy.

It's just the aftermath that I'm afraid of. I built a life with this woman,

Quite gently here, you didn't build a life, you were dreaming of one with her. You were laying the foundation for that vision. And when push came to shove, she showed you how much she does not respect you. Sorry, I know this is harsh.

Be very careful, you are not in a position to see the situation with clear eyes. She will say things like she already has "I don't want to hurt you" or Oh, I'm so confused. You will nibble it all up and turn those words into what you need to hear. It's part of the process. We are traumatized and this protects us from the the dibilitating hurt at the hands of someone we trusted with our lives. I know it's cliche, but believe me, take it one day at a time if you want to survive.

I love the advice you are getting and it looks like you will have a very strong support system of men on this board who have been there, done that.

[This message edited by positively4thst at 7:48 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 1252 | Registered: May 2009
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like your progressing even if just a little. Try not to think too much tonight and get some sleep


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
hurts123
♂ New Member
Member # 42340
Default  Posted: 8:19 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's around this time that I get mad because she's been getting home late because she's been giving him rides home :/ so around this time at night I'm wondering if she's home, or if she's out with him. This is when I start seeing that this might not be worth it. Then during the day, I get caught up again and it's just a huge cycle. I do believe I'm getting better though, even if just a little, no more tears :) Still sadness, but like I said before, baby steps

Posts: 17 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Tucson
yearsofpain25
♂ Member
Member # 42012
Default  Posted: 4:40 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another thread for you to look at:

Bsos please feel free to post here by Stillstings

She posted this thread last night so should be around somewhere in this section for you to find.


25 years and counting of pain caused by mother's infidelity. Aftermath: 1 deceased sibling, 1 lost family, 3 lost souls.
"Each new day I am just glad to be alive and have survived all that I did." Ashland13

Posts: 2179 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Northeast US
Topic Posts: 35
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