I can't believe one month ago, we're as happy as can be, and then some older guy with a gf comes in between us and ruins relationship for good :'
No, the older guy didn't ruin the relationship: she did.
And yes, the 180 is in order. Time to move on and try to realize (I know it's hard) that you have been given an opportunity. If I could go back and be in your shoes rather than find out at age 51 that my husband was "engaged" to another women, I would do it in a heartbeat. Run while you have the chance.
With my WW, I got "I'm sorry I hurt you" Sunday and Monday morning, and then I caught her with the OM Monday night.
I'm going to punch the next person that tells me "I'm sorry" in the face. "I'm sorry" is a waste of breath. Have you ever heard "Actions speak louder than words"? It's true my friend. Her actions speak for themselves, and "I'm sorry" doesn't mean anything.
I am truly sorry (no pun intended, and I just punched myself in the face ) that you are hurting and dealing with this right now.
Last bit of advice: If you love her and just can not live without her, whatever you do, DO NOT MARRY HER ANY TIME SOON. If she loves you the way you deserve to be loved, she'll understand, she'll stick with you, and she'll EARN a proposal when YOU are ready. Otherwise, you can do better, so move on.
Hang in there brother.
She is feeling guilt, and not remorse. Those are two different things. She is also nowhere close to ending it with the OM if she is defending herself. "The 20 questions…" is defending herself.
Do the 180 to protect yourself, not to "win her back". It will take a little time to pull away and see things more clearly.
If someone wants to walk out of your life…let them. IF she wants to be with you, she will SHOW you. Right now, she is SHOWING you who she really is.
Go return the ring.
"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings
Does she need to know about this 180? I was going to tell her last night when she came home, but I got so mad that I just left. I'm not sure if not talking to her at all is what I have to do, or if I can just tell her I'm not speaking to you unless OM is out?
cmego is right. The 180 is not about winning her back. This is about you getting better and strong. Walking out was perfect. Do not answer any of her texts. Do not let her know about this 180. She doesn't need to know about it. It's for YOU. Not her.
I feel for you hurt123. I really do. You are in a very painful fog and she has no idea what she has done to you. Be thankful you can get out. I don't want to make this thread about me, but apparently my mother pulled some shit sort of like this before my parent's got married when my dad was in Vietnam. Wanna know what happened? I just posted to Dealing with an affair 25 years later just below your thread here. I have 4 threads about it. If you want to waste an hour of your life, read them. Or even just the first one. Not that your fiancee is like my mom, but to me, kinda sounds like she is. There are thousands of stories here on this site where the betrayed spouse wishes they could have seen the signs more clearly towards the beginning of their relationship. Take a look around.
Again, not to scare you. But you do have a "gift" here in your hands where you get to make some decisions without A LOT more on your plate (kids, etc). I know you are hurting and it's hard. Get up off the floor and protect yourself. NC for yourself.
ETA - added the word "wishes" above
[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 1:14 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]
She just gave you probably one of the biggest gifts you'll ever receive and that is by not making the mistake of your life by marrying her. I know 2 years from you'll look back and say "Thank God".
I love my wife but wish like hell she'd have done this to me in the beginning before promises were made and promises were broken. I of course don't regret anything because of my two children whom I love more than anything in the world but they complicate a situation like this very much. Stay strong brother.
Hang in there hurts123
That story gives me some hope, I just hope I have the strength to overcome everything!
It's just the aftermath that I'm afraid of. I built a life with this woman,
Be very careful, you are not in a position to see the situation with clear eyes. She will say things like she already has "I don't want to hurt you" or Oh, I'm so confused. You will nibble it all up and turn those words into what you need to hear. It's part of the process. We are traumatized and this protects us from the the dibilitating hurt at the hands of someone we trusted with our lives. I know it's cliche, but believe me, take it one day at a time if you want to survive.
I love the advice you are getting and it looks like you will have a very strong support system of men on this board who have been there, done that.
[This message edited by positively4thst at 7:48 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]
Bsos please feel free to post here by Stillstings
She posted this thread last night so should be around somewhere in this section for you to find.