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Newest Member: IWantToSurvive (44222)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Surprised by MC's idea
painfulpast
♀ Member
Member # 41038
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So in this meeting, the MC suggests I am the cause of the problem, due to my inability to let go of details.

Here is where I would have gotten up and started heading towards the door.


And further, she cautioned me against asking for complete Honesty and Truthfulness as a condition to reconciling because Honesty and Truthfulness mean different things to different people

Here is where I would have told her that I would see to it that EVERYONE in town knows that she counsels people to accept lies and dishonesty, and that she is USELESS as a therapist.

Why would anyone stay and listen to this pathetic excuse for a counselor?


Love leads to tears, tears lead to sadness, sadness to memories, memories to madness

Posts: 1669 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: East Coast
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon, I think I felt good about my W's help clear up my misunderstanding with what the MC had said, but I am in agony over details vs truth.

How can the two be so separated?

For example, my wife reveals to me recently that she went to two hotels with the AP that she had not told me about earlier. That is the truth, but am I not entitled to details? What hotels? How did you come to meet him there (who invited who? Who paid for the rooms?) How long were you there? What did you DO while you where there?

Without details, how can I put the truth in any context? Yes, people's memories differ, but I have nothing else to go on.

The truth is my wife had an affair. What about details like: who was it with? How long were you together? How many times were you together?

The truth may make me aware of something, but it is the details that build my understanding. And I NEED to understand, hopefully so I can feel safe...

I agree completely with your post regarding how answers to Qs help rebuilt trust.

Thank you.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2013
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Painfulpast,

I think I was in shock after being told I shouldn't chase details - and perhaps misunderstood what the therapist said regarding Truth and Honesty.

I guess she said the details cannot prove Truth or Honesty, because everyone's memory of the details is different, and changes over time.

It still leaves me feeling lost though.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 184 | Registered: Mar 2013
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you guys read Joseph's letter? If not I highly recommend it. I still think your MC is way off base. Our first MC held the same stance (briefly, I think he actually just had no f*ing clue what he was doing), I challenged him on it big time. I'm a "facts" kind of person. Can I have all the facts? No, my H's first ONS was 15 years ago, he doesn't remember everything I want to know. But he tries and that's what counts.
If it was me, I would never go back to that MC!


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 883 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:03 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC said the same thing to me.

Let it go and stop asking questions. Since, I don't always like the answers and it hurts me more and pushes him further away.

Now, I focus mainly on issues I had before the affair and try not to bring it up how I communicate with my H.

She says she sees a lot of sleaze balls in her practice and that I have a good one...so lay off a bit or I will lose him.

Really? What happened to the WS owning their shit and facing themselves?

Why should I suffer and keep my mouth shut?

Yeah...16months and I am tired of not feeling like I can be truthful with her..so we are looking to start MC and it will not be with her.

She has been fantastic with all my past issues with my mom and abuse and etc.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
hopefulmother
♀ Member
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 6:13 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also agree with another poster...this MC sounds like they are getting to personal...as in they have had an A themselves.


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 9yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 901 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: East Coast
Topic Posts: 26
Pages: 1 · 2

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