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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: first break up post-divorce
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's true what they say, it's pretty hard. Not near as hard as the first year after Dday, but still pretty hard. Maybe I'm just more sensitive to it. Like I'm available to be hurt. I suppose that's a good sign.

But the mind games are killing me. The 'is it me's' and the 'what if I can't handle a relationship' or 'find someone'. Maybe I'm still 'broken'. I know better, I can talk myself out of it, but that damn voice in my head asking the questions blows. When will I learn not to beat myself up?

Focusing on me. But feeling guilty for doing it.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
lieshurt
♀ Member
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:23 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Gomphus)))


I'm sorry if you don't like my Honesty, but to be fair I don't like your lies.

Sometimes it's better to push someone away...not because you stopped loving them but because you can't take the pain anymore.


Posts: 13648 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((Gomphus)))))


Don’t get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well. 

Posts: 2608 | Registered: Jan 2010
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd say you are actually…NORMAL.

Break ups are hard, regardless of the reason. There is a ton of self doubt associated with them. The "woulda, coulda, shoulda" all come out to play with us post break up.

Just remember the saying: A wise person questions himself, a fool others.

Take the lessons from post d-day, how you "take care of yourself", lean on your friends and work through it.

(((Gomphus)))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
mixedemotions
♀ Member
Member # 35810
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been there mine was a very short relationship, but still...ouuuuch! Just when I thought it might never get better, it did.

Hunker down. You can weather this storm. I love your perspective on being available to be hurt. I agree with you, I think that is a good sign.

The mind games will pass, you know they will. They'll disappear, come back, disappear, come back...less and less frequently, but it's a battle. They're the same games that are always around though, you know? In struggles with jobs, co workers, friends, family, and significant others...those little gremlins are always ready to give you grief.

Try figuring out who's voice that is - when did you learn to question yourself and how do you put a stop to it now? That'll give you peace with this and other tough situations you'll undoubtedly keep having to face.

And why would you feel guilty for focusing on yourself? We're no good to anybody unless we're at our best. You're worth your time and energy as much as anyone else is.

(((Gomphus)))

Take care of yourself!


Me: Former BW, 28
Divorced 10/11/12
He didn't show up for the D...very fitting, seeing as he didn't show up for the M, either : )
"What did not demolish me simply polished me, now the clearer I can see" - India Arie

Posts: 378 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Back in the Southeast!
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Normal. So sweet.

Thanks everyone.

I beat myself up, I struggle. I have been complacent, lamenting lost love, for a few days. Your posts help me remember to fight that monster. I appreciate it


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
wonderingbull
♂ Member
Member # 14833
Default  Posted: 2:46 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

G man...

I think part of it is that you went in with an optimistic heart and mind... Now that the optimism is gone you've got to reconcile the feelings and internally digest the loss...

I'm going through many of the same mental and emotional gymnastics...

WB


The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time...

James Taylor


Posts: 5952 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: A better place
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 2:52 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's a good way to put it bull. I'd much rather be optimistic. Like, 'once bitten, twice shy' but this time I put it out there. Another element of progress.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, this is progress! You are capable of love again!

That is good news, friend.

Relish the memories you just made and take comfort in knowing you are one step closer to finding real love again.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
PhoenixRising88
♀ Member
Member # 35214
Default  Posted: 6:04 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gomphus)))


Me: BS (43)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(50)
D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/2013.

Divorce final 2/10/14.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.


Posts: 426 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: North Texas
persevere
♀ Member
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 6:52 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((gomphus))) Thinking of you...

I'm re-evaluating my relationship to a certain degree right now, and many of your thoughts have entered my head.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4378 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

capable of love again. Not sure thats my goal BUT a good sign and an important element of healing. I used to be such a hopeless romantic and I think I am reconnecting with those feelings.

[This message edited by Gomphus at 8:55 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still struggling. I think I am 'bargaining'. I never understood that stage of grief during D. I am totally trying to convince myself that I made a mistake. I know I havent, and it wasnt just my choice, but I keep thinking IF I had her back this would go away. It wouldn't. It would be worse. I know that. But my damn brain keeps trying to pick it apart. Luckily, I understand my anxious mind and can keep it under control. Mostly. It was worth it.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
betterlife
♀ New Member
Member # 36867
Default  Posted: 1:23 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And why would you feel guilty for focusing on yourself? We're no good to anybody unless we're at our best. You're worth your time and energy as much as anyone else is.

I absolutely needed to read this.

I often feel guilty for putting myself first. I feel guilty that SO is hurting. I realize I cant be the solution to all his pain.

I am miserable with him. How much does one need to put up with in a relationship?

I am worth my own time and energy!


Posts: 27 | Registered: Sep 2012
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 7:10 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But, Gomphus, you REALIZED you are just going through one of the stages of grief. Regardless of the end of the relationship, you know the bigger picture shows you it was the right decision, for both of you.

You are coping normally. But normal coping still sucks.

Anytime I face grief, I think about what the pastor said at my father's funeral, "The price we pay for love is grief."

You loved, therefore you grieve.

Take the time to grieve, it will pass. You will have the good parts to take with you forward. Take the time for yourself, focus on what you weren't while IN the relationship and let nature take its course.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4039 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Virginia
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 7:54 PM, February 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still struggling. I think I am 'bargaining'. I never understood that stage of grief during D. I am totally trying to convince myself that I made a mistake. I know I havent, and it wasnt just my choice, but I keep thinking IF I had her back this would go away. It wouldn't. It would be worse. I know that. But my damn brain keeps trying to pick it apart. Luckily, I understand my anxious mind and can keep it under control. Mostly. It was worth it.

I find myself in your shoes now. How are you doing?

I'm struggling. He ended it then changed his mind. But I fear going back because there is a reason he ended it. It's been a month officially, but I saw him for a few hours with the kids 2 weeks ago.

He kept texting and I told him to stop. I can't heal and move on if he keeps contacting me.

But I'm sad. And questioning it. Probably because the opportunity is sort of there if I want to rekindle it.

Are you doing better, Gomphus? Is it getting easier?


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely getting easier but not going away. I'm still bargaining. Remembering the good stuff and forgetting what didnt work. I think about trying to get back together but resist the urge to communicate with her. I think NC applies here - it sucks he keeps you baited via contact. I have to trust that it ended for good reasons and thise reasns wont go away. I'm starting to understand why a lot of people dont date. Its not the early stuff as much as it really stinks once tou get passed a certain point and one party realizes it wont work.

I struggle with the 'im not datable even though I'm well healed' and 'the infidelity was my fault' a little bit, but I know better. I allow myself to entertain the 'what if we got back togethers' by journaling and. i always come back around to why we cant work.


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, February 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Gomphus)))) Keep working through it all as you are - journaling is a great idea.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24440 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 18

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