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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Fog of beginning of the end?
trying1
♀ Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am seven months out and I am getting over the intense need for details. Now I am just raging angry that WH had such disregard for the shitstorm he brought down on me. I am so sick of hearing the phrase, "the affair wasn't about you". OK so I wasn't lacking something. When he picked up AP and started to f**k her was that not significant enough to have the thought, "I am married, and this will destroy my life." How does that go?

He said once he did it he figured if I found out I would leave....So he kept seeing her so that she wouldn't tell me. (Because choosing to cheat on me 1000 times as opposed to once is the better choice) Is this lack of basic regard for someone you go home to and have four children with part of the "fog"? Or am I just having an epiphany that he never had any respect for me, and its time to call a spade a spade?

Thoughts? I don't want it to be the end, but I am queen of ignoring what is glaringly obvious for everyone else.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
Skan
♀ Member
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:42 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If there was someone that he never had any respect for, it was himself. No, it wasn't about you. And I know that this makes you feel SOOOO good, just like it did me, when my anger hit. Because after all, it's not like its not personal when you're sexually betrayed by someone who is supposed to be faithful to you and your family. But is really is a lack of respect, morality, something, in him, that causes this utter disregard for you and your family.

And the way that waywards can find to justify their need to not confront the consequences, the results of their actions can be so utterly mind-boggling that you feel as if you were the one with the brain blip. Sort of one of those moments, when you think, nah, I didn't, I couldn't have heard THAT! That's too out there too ridiculous. I better clean the wax out of my ears and ask to have that repeated because surely, I heard it wrong!

It is a lack in them. Its as if their brains were re-wired by aliens. It's disrespectful, it's cray-cray, it's hateful, it's hurtful, it's savage. And it's all THEIR lack that drives it.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 4926 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
whattheh
♀ Member
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If your fWH is truly remorseful and then you may want to keep slogging thru this anger for awhile longer. Right around a year I've gotten some relief in the form of true acceptance. And a big reason for this was because time passed and I began to feel safer with my fWH due to his efforts. He has made a point to take care of me in loving ways.

It almost feels like I've figured out how to get underneath my anger as time has passed. I had no qualms expressing my anger but would tell my fWH that I needed him to bear witness to my pain until I don't need him to anymore. I now tell him if I'm feeling anxious or something is nagging at me and he now knows not to be defensive but instead talks to me rationally. And I'm not angry anymore. Maybe your fWH can help you deal with your anger?

[This message edited by whattheh at 8:11 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 565 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
trying1
♀ Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Skan: Thank you for your help. I read your profile, you have been through quite a bit. When you say your WH is doing the work in IC. Is it personal issues that WH had or issues with marriage or just what? I keep asking WH to tell me what it was he was lacking and he can't. He just calls it the "perfect storm" (crappy job, aggressive woman, feeling bad about himself.) But what I can't seem to get my brain around is that when the "perfect storm hit", he didn't even consider even his children and the impact his choice would have on them.

Whattheh

If your fWH is truly remorseful and then you may want to keep slogging thru this anger for awhile longer. Right around a year I've gotten some relief in the form of true acceptance. And a big reason for this was because time passed and I began to feel safer with my fWH due to his efforts. He has made a point to take care of me in loving ways.

I think this is what I will do. Just hang in and let some more time pass.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I needed details for 6-7 months, too, IIRC. Anger at 6 months, too - that's very common.

WS 'thinking' is incomprehensible. You are just collateral damage. His A was a bout him, not you, and I think (but have no proof) that most WSes cheat to avoid their own pain. That seems to fit for your H - he says he continued the A as a way to keep you from finding out.

I know that doesn't make sense, since the bigger something is, the more likely it is to be noticed, but I can see getting into something bad and being afraid to end it.

In the A your H was fogged up, and that's a pun. I recommend down-playing your H's motivations and concentrating on what he did.

After all, does it really matter why he cheated?

In other words, look at R in terms of questions like 1) will he do the work he needs to do to become a great partner? 2) Is the A a deal breaker for you?

No motivation from an A makes any sense.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10352 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 12:28 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As usual, sisson is spot on.

WS 'thinking' is incomprehensible. You are just collateral damage. His A was a bout him, not you, and I think (but have no proof) that most WSes cheat to avoid their own pain. That seems to fit for your H - he says he continued the A as a way to keep you from finding out.

I am very logical person, and when people told me early on that the affair will never make sense to me, I found that incomprehensible. But, it is largely true. It is also true that it wasn't about you, and it was done in spite of you and probably not to spite you. I use this analogy all the time, but it is like a drunk going on a drinking binge. . . they aren't doing it to hurt anyone, but often families are collateral damage.

Hang in there, and watch his behavior, because focusing on the utter BS that he thought/felt/did in the affair will eventually, and thankfully, fade.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:29 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is a personal crisis, not a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 2058 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
trying1
♀ Member
Member # 40954
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sisoon & Bionicgal: as usual your insights have helped real me in from the edge. thank you.


Me: 40 (BS)
Him:37 (FWH)
Married:11 years
4 kids
DDay 7/27/13
LTA: 3 years

Posts: 58 | Registered: Oct 2013
hopingforhappy
♀ Member
Member # 29288
Default  Posted: 12:51 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your WH sounds very much like my FWH--he said many of the same things. I really do believe that it is about them, not us. They get so wrapped up in that "perfect storm" and how they are feeling, unable to actually handle those feelings, they finally just say, "F*&^ it!" and do something that feels good in the moment. No thoughts about damage or consequences. Then, once they have done it, it is sort of like they have crossed the point of no return. They can't undo it (and it did feel pretty good in the moment), so they keep on. Until sometime happens--Dday or whatever--to force them to face what they have done. It is so immature, the way a child would handle doing something wrong, by trying to hide it. Once that happens, reality crashes in and here you are, with a total mess on your hands, that makes no sense to a logical adult.

If your WH is willing to man-up and act like an adult NOW, then you do have a chance to work through this. It takes a long time and a lot of consistent effort on his part. The anger will dissipate--although it may come back from time to time in flashes for years. It is a process. But getting your anger out is good!


Me--BW (56)
Him--FWH (53)--5yr. LTA--OW probably BPD
Married 20 years
DS-18, DD-15
Reconciling--but boy is it hard!

Posts: 1333 | Registered: Aug 2010
Crushed15Feb13
♂ Member
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HforH, your description above fits my understanding of my Ws affair to a T, right down to the length of the LTA. Its a comfort to know others experienced the same.

[This message edited by Crushed15Feb13 at 3:15 PM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 31 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 5 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 251 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 9

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