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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Meltdown
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have bounced from wanting to R to riding the fence to slipping down the D side of it. Tonight as I sit and think, I just started crying uncontrollably. What is that? I do love him, but part of that is dead now and won't come back for me. I will never look at him the same. I will never be able to say he was faithful. I love him and hate him! He doesn't get it. He is remorseful, but I don't think he truly understands what this has done to me or to us. He is trying, but not where he needs to be yet. Everyone says wait a year to decide, but I get more and more angry with him by the day. He destroyed us! I am so angry with him for that. Is R even possible with this much negativity still or should I just file and be done with it?


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
Kyrie
♀ Member
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

deena, I'm so sorry you're in this place. But I have to say that the anger will still be there even if you D. You may decide to file and be done with it, but in reality, you'll still have to sort through the myriad of emotions caused by his betrayal. I believe one of the ways a W "gets it" is by the BS being completely honest and open with all emotions and thoughts. WSs have to see and hear the consequences of their actions over and over to fully understand the devastation they've caused.

I didn't know I could feel such intense anger and rage towards anyone, especially my H. It has taken a long time and a ton of work to push through and R. But it is possible - I know you can't fathom that now, but it can happen.


Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 201 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Raven96
♀ Member
Member # 40298
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This sucks. I am so sorry, but know that your feelings are completely normal! You're less than two months out...you're going to go back and forth for a long while.

I found out my WH cheated three years after we married and I rugswept it. Now we are dealing with this again. Your WH MUST do the heavy lifting it will take to fix what he has done if there is to be any chance of him not doing this to you again.

If you get back to the "I think we can R" phase, write down exactly what you need from him, i.e., IC, MC, etc., and give it to him. If he balks, you have your answer. Mine balked. I'm getting my ducks in a row.

I am so sorry.

(((deena04)))


Marriage isn't a test, so why cheat?

Posts: 379 | Registered: Aug 2013
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Side note: I talked my WS into looking at this site. I practically begged him to read through wayward posts and other forums to see how we are fairly normal in our process. I wanted to give him insight and help both of us. Here's my kicker: he read a few wayward posts and now is searching every post here to find mine. He doesn't know my user name but will figure it out by my info at the bottom. That's fine, but has anyone else's spouse did this? Just obsesses over BS instead of helping themselves .


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
starmoonchild
♀ Member
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know what you mean, that part, that big important part, is dead now. It doesn't come back, I have come to realize that it has to be a different kind of love now, it's not ever going to be what it was. I think that's the crushing thing that all of us who have been cheated on feel...that our "in love" feeling is gone. We miss it, we long for it, we hope for it to come back, but it went with the A. It is really just so sad.

Posts: 77 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 10:58 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe a breakthrough though. When my WS found out how I was thinking tonight he actually melted down into a depressed state. He got shook up. We talked and maybe there is hope. I so needed him to do more than just doing the right things. I needed him to feel it. It made me upset to see him that way so going to think on it and take it day to day. I jump to conclusions quickly and just need to slow down.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 1070 | Registered: Dec 2013
Lostinthismess
♀ Member
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Deena04)). The highs will be high and the lows so very low. 10 months out and I am just now settling some where in the middle. I have felt the exact same way you do, probably right up until the 8-ish month mark. My husband was very remorseful from the get go, but didn't 'get it', the level of devestation, until the immediate crisis left. Once panic settle, the enormity hit him, more and more every day.

My husband is also a member. SI has been a great tool for us to use. He had other waywards further in their journey for guidance, to tell him when I raged at him and called him names, it was a good thing. Indifference is bad. He would read other bs post and ask me if I felt like that, apologize for being the source of that pain. Sometimes it's nice to know you aren't on the crazy train alone!!

The rule of thumb is give it 6 months and see how you feel then. If there is still some hope to R, give it 6 more. Don't push yourself to decide. You will likely bounce from R, divorce, not giving a shit and back to R again... Sometimes in the same day. Post and read often and above all, talk to him. Tell him what you're thinking and feeling. He needs to hear it and you need to let it out.

[This message edited by Lostinthismess at 11:14 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 331 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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