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User Topic: stunned into silence
Unagie
♀ Member
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mods I apologize if this is seen as stealing cross forums. If so please lock or delete thread. Someone posted this snippet from an article online about romantic infidelity. I was stunned as it resonated.

From "Romantic Infidelity" http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continue living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate—someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own—is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

Do not let others be your reference for who you see in the mirror.

Stop allowing people to hurt you, because you don't love you enough to walk away.


Posts: 2351 | Registered: Oct 2012
EvolvingSoul
♀ Member
Member # 29972
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah I bookmarked this one a while ago. I had a similar reaction. Reading off point after point thinking, "check, check, check". The article goes on to say that these kinds of affairs burn themselves when there is nothing left to throw on the pyre. It was perhaps a message from my future self that enabled me to see, even through thick fog, that future moment of complete emotional ruin and the "Oh my God what have I done"-moment. So glad I chose mental health earlier rather than later.


Me: WS (52)
Him: BS (47)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

Riding shotgun down the avalanche.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: In the thick of it.
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I am stunned as well. That is maybe the best, most comprehensive thing that has been written on the subject (given the length, anyway).

Should be required reading when you sign up here.

This really blew me backwards:

This can be mind-blowingly seductive and confusing to the kids. Sharing the secret of one parent's affair, and hiding it from the other parent, has essentially the same emotional impact as incest.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 8:58 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The thread's ok.

ETA: This is via the Ditch-Dungeon express... aka we asked the Mods.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 9:00 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14560 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ETA: This is via the Ditch-Dungeon express... aka we asked the Mods.

That stops at Hogwart's, right?


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the t/j. It really is a fantastic article.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
Prayingforhope
♂ Member
Member # 41801
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One more wonderfully insightful piece on the long, painful road to recovery. Thanks Unagie for sharing.


WH 41
BS 40
D-Day Oct 28th, 2013
Together 18 years
Three amazing boys 12, 9 & 6
Praying for hope daily

Posts: 230 | Registered: Dec 2013
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While everything didn't line up for my particular situation, and some of the statistical assertions seem to conflict with actual data, I found the "Romantic Infidelity" section in particular very interesting - a great lens through which a lot of problems can be viewed. Thanks for sharing it!


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 106 | Registered: Jan 2014
Ascendant
♂ Member
Member # 38303
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

While everything didn't line up for my particular situation, and some of the statistical assertions seem to conflict with actual data, I found the "Romantic Infidelity" section in particular very interesting - a great lens through which a lot of problems can be viewed.
I tried to take it more in the vein of "based on my 30 years or working observation, these are the trends I see." and less on the idea that it was irrefutable fact. For me, SI came to mind a lot while reading it....I thought of some examples that would conflict with his thoughts, but a ton more that fell right in line.


“Anyone who has a continuous smile on his face conceals a toughness that is almost frightening.”

Posts: 1571 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Illinois
heforgotme
♀ Member
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought this was a great article. I sent it to our therapist.

Thanks for posting this.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1027 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
20Hopeful16
♀ Member
Member # 40487
Default  Posted: 9:27 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I could get WH to read this. I wonder if he'd see as much of himself in it as I do.


Me: BS (39)
Him: WH (40)
Married 16 years
Three Beautiful Children 11,8,5
DD: 8/24/13

Posts: 103 | Registered: Aug 2013
TrulyReconciled
♂ Member
Member # 3031
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Perfect description of what happened to FWW to a 'tee.'


"In a time of deceit, telling the Truth is a revolutionary act."

Posts: 20473 | Registered: Dec 2003 | From: Hell and back, way back :o)
Topic Posts: 12

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