1) Control, verifying, even testing, and my wife working hard at meeting my demands and earning my trust.
2) Learning about why my wife had the affair, and trusting myself that I could identify the signs if it happening again, and seeing that my wife is changing away from that person.
3) Strengthimg myself so that even if she does it again, I know I will be OK.
I do not rely on blind trust anymore, not with anyone. My trust is balanced against risk. Knowledge reduces your risk. Controlling is a heavy task. Keeping one foot out the door is not living.
I am sorry that his going out has triggered you this way. Have you discussed this with him? Perhaps there's something he can do to reassure you when you're apart like this.
Shouldn't I be trusting him by now?
There is a difference between trust and your thing you control behind those famous last feelings.
But you can trust. You trusted by allowing him time with other men. Men need men time just like women need woman time. If he went out to a spot you know may be a threat.. then tell him, "hey you go out all you want, but that place does not make me feel safe." then let him react and pay attention. Is he behaving in ways that make you feel safe?
Can he just stop loving her because the A ended?
Words of affirmation
quality time with you
services to you and the family
If he chooses to loves you in those different ways and you see it, your feelings will change. When you give love, those things above, you have those feelings. His feelings will change about that ow too if not already.
You are going to somehow get at peace with those feelings he once had for her. They may still be with him along with all those bad feelings too.. guilt, shame. It is like the same feelings you might have with an former lover or love. He can have those about the OW because that was then and this is today. That is when you accept.
"hey, life was not fair to me. People are not always loving. I accept what happened to me. I can have memories, the are what they are. I am looking at right now, how I feel today, how I behave today, I am worthy of nothing but fair treatment and I no longer accept any bad behaviors from my H, that is not what a M is about"
Peace be with you.
[This message edited by trynhard at 6:36 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]
At 2.5 years out, I told our MC I thought my lack of trust was a problem. Her response was, 'It's too early to trust.'
A year after 3 D-Days? Why are you even dreaming of trusting him now?
[This message edited by demonshide at 10:05 AM, February 17th (Monday)]