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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Shouldn't I trust him now?
starmoonchild
♀ Member
Member # 39117
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, February 4th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H is out tonight by himself, and I'm pretty sure he's not with the OW....but, I do not really believe that, a year after DDay number 3. All with the same OW. I try like hell to believe him, but I simply don't, and I don't trust him, a year later. Shouldn't I be trusting him by now? God, I just want a normal life, when does that come? When do I stop imagining they're together? What does it take to trust again? If the affair in total lasted almost 2 years, does that make it more likely that they will re-connect? I keep thinking that he must still think about her, that she must still think about him. He told me about a month ago that he fell in love with her before the A started, and it has been driving me nuts ever since. Can he just stop loving her because the A ended?

Posts: 73 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
still-living
♂ Member
Member # 30434
Default  Posted: 6:12 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me it was a combination of:

1) Control, verifying, even testing, and my wife working hard at meeting my demands and earning my trust.
2) Learning about why my wife had the affair, and trusting myself that I could identify the signs if it happening again, and seeing that my wife is changing away from that person.
3) Strengthimg myself so that even if she does it again, I know I will be OK.

I do not rely on blind trust anymore, not with anyone. My trust is balanced against risk. Knowledge reduces your risk. Controlling is a heavy task. Keeping one foot out the door is not living.


BH(me)47
WW 47 FOO Issues
DDay 11/09 Coworker
High School Sweethearts
Married 06/91
8 months TT
Sons 19 and 14
Recovery is constructing a pyramid of inference from which to see clearer.
The process involves using the reflexive loop.

Posts: 738 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Ches
LivinginLimbo
♀ Member
Member # 35004
Default  Posted: 6:31 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've resigned myself to the fact that I probably will never fully trust again.

I am sorry that his going out has triggered you this way. Have you discussed this with him? Perhaps there's something he can do to reassure you when you're apart like this.


BS - 62
FWH - 60
Married 34 years
D-Day 2/12/12
Doing well with R

Posts: 1026 | Registered: Mar 2012
trynhard
♂ Member
Member # 22698
Default  Posted: 6:34 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Shouldn't I be trusting him by now?

It takes a long time to feel safe. Perhaps you will never feel really safe. You pay far more attention today and now realize that the only control over your life is you living up to that famous promise, "I do". It is now up to your H to pick up himself and behave as such.

There is a difference between trust and your thing you control behind those famous last feelings.

But you can trust. You trusted by allowing him time with other men. Men need men time just like women need woman time. If he went out to a spot you know may be a threat.. then tell him, "hey you go out all you want, but that place does not make me feel safe." then let him react and pay attention. Is he behaving in ways that make you feel safe?

Can he just stop loving her because the A ended?
Yes, because love is a choice.

Words of affirmation
quality time with you
Gifts
services to you and the family
touch

If he chooses to loves you in those different ways and you see it, your feelings will change. When you give love, those things above, you have those feelings. His feelings will change about that ow too if not already.

You are going to somehow get at peace with those feelings he once had for her. They may still be with him along with all those bad feelings too.. guilt, shame. It is like the same feelings you might have with an former lover or love. He can have those about the OW because that was then and this is today. That is when you accept.

"hey, life was not fair to me. People are not always loving. I accept what happened to me. I can have memories, the are what they are. I am looking at right now, how I feel today, how I behave today, I am worthy of nothing but fair treatment and I no longer accept any bad behaviors from my H, that is not what a M is about"

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 6:36 AM, February 5th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2674 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Indiana
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My W gave me 1 D-Day, and she turned remorseful immediately. She's been totally committed to and consistent in working for R since D-Day. I just started trusting her a few months ago, just before we hit our 3rd antiversary.

At 2.5 years out, I told our MC I thought my lack of trust was a problem. Her response was, 'It's too early to trust.'

A year after 3 D-Days? Why are you even dreaming of trusting him now?


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10061 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What has he done to rebuild your trust? What is he doing while he is out alone to give you comfort?


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6442 | Registered: Jan 2011
demonshide
♀ New Member
Member # 41824
Default  Posted: 11:46 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by demonshide at 10:05 AM, February 17th (Monday)]


Married 17 yrs, 4 children, WH has had multiply, varied affairs, I am trying to put one foot in front of the other and believe God is with me.

Posts: 40 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 7

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