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Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found Out a While Ago - Separated Saturday
5454real
♂ Member
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:50 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm morally against divorce

Is WW aware of this? If so, what does she have to lose?

Might I ask why you are morally against it? I think that adultery is the only reason that the Bible allows divorce.

How is this handled? I've emailed, talked in person, texted, called, he will not stop.

She had originally sent him a NC along with OM's wife about how sorry she was, but he persisted and she broke.

This is called harassment and yes, he can be arrested for it. Your WW WILL have to corroborate the story. Also, check your state laws, there are a few left that allow you to sue for alienation of affection. He's left a trail.

I also am pro-marriage, but read, then re-read damaged71's responses. You want to save the marriage? You have to be willing to lose it.

Strength


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2995 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hubby... No one was more married than me NO ONE.

I was so completely committed to my wife I gave her this deal. I told her, I only want your happiness. If you want to leave I will do this, give you the house and everything in it. I will support you for two years until you get on your feet in a manner that you have been used to. Once the two years are up I'll still be there if you need me.

I told my wife she was free to move on but I would not... ever. I was committed to her via marriage and that was it. After her there would never be another. My commitment was solid if she believed in and reciprocated it or not.

With all of that she chose to string me along UNTIL I said, ENOUGH. I said I will be alone for the rest of my life but I will not be in a marriage like this.

Guess what, after her there will still never be another. My position never changed. That didn't mean that I would allow myself to be treated poorly. That's no longer negotiable.

I had a choice, be miserable with her or be alone.

Under those conditions, I'll take "be alone" for 1000 Alex....


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
sidney2718
♂ New Member
Member # 41190
Default  Posted: 2:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OP has written:
Thank you all for your support and suggestions. I do have 1 issue with some of the recommendations and that is that I'm morally against divorce and I will not be the one to file it. If that means the marriage is lost, it's not on my conscience and I can move on from that. But EVERY OTHER RECOMMENDATION I am taking to heart and she's already asking me if I'm ignoring her, I just said "we'll talk about this on friday".

I applaud your moral stance on divorce. But you are setting yourself up for a horror story. What happens if she also refuses to divorce, refuses to come home, and continues her relationship with the other man.

So you will be paying for their affair, baby sitting, providing a roof over her head and so on. I'm deadly serious. Talk to your priest (who may have some suggestions about an annulment) and to your lawyer who can explain your rights if my scenario happens -- which I sincerely hope will NOT happen.

In addition, I wish you the best of luck. Sorry you are here, but since you are, make use of the resources.


Posts: 41 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Northeast US
HeartBrokenHubby
♂ New Member
Member # 42359
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talk to your priest (who may have some suggestions about an annulment) and to your lawyer who can explain your rights if my scenario happens -- which I sincerely hope will NOT happen.

I should've been more clear and said that I cannot morally file for divorce or anything without counsel from my priest. We have NOT even started to meet with our spiritual leaders or our new MFT.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
damaged71
♂ Member
Member # 36004
Default  Posted: 3:28 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hubby... Not trying to be an ass or anything but if your moral hang up is the bible and religion based on that, I think the bible is pretty clear on divorce in cases of adultery. It is literally the only reason that is permissible for divorce.

I am pretty sure your priest doesn't "outrank" the bible. He might give you some different advice but realize that it's the advice of a man. From a Judeo/Christian standpoint the matter was settled 2000 years ago.

No one wants to be the bad guy. I get it. I didn't want to be the bad guy either.

Sorry to foray off into the field of religion but I am trying to provide comfort for whatever decision you come to in the future.


I didn't know there was this much emotional pain in the universe!
Me 42
Her 44
D-day 5.18.12
Currently in R

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: damaged71
doggiediva
♀ Member
Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not that I claim to "know it all" about religions but no priest in any of our Anglo Saxon cultures will advise that you have to stay in a marriage with a cheater at the cost of your well being or soul..
If your priest is given the scenario of a couple living in a marriage in which one of them is an un remorseful cheater and the cheater knows that his or her spouse won't file for divorce what do you think that priest would advise? You should find out what your own priest would advise given this theoretic scenario..

I hope and pray that you will see your WW for un remorseful very soon OR that she will become remorseful and will do what it takes to help you heal..

Any lengthy amount of time spent with a WS who is un remorseful sucks the life out of most anything and everything that was once good and pleasurable..

When the above happens depression sets in.. This funk can reach the point of not having enough energy to do ANYTHING, much less what is needed to turn your life around for the better..


Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1257 | Registered: Nov 2011
HeartBrokenHubby
♂ New Member
Member # 42359
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agreed with everyone on that. But once again, dday was really on Saturday. I'm seeking advice from a priest and an mft before anything. I understand some of you don't like that, or most of you, but it's what I'll do. Were two days from that meeting.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
jb3199
♂ Member
Member # 27673
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can absolutely file for a RO, but your WW has to be on board. The police are not going to want to waste their time, if your WW is an active participant in their communications.

I do have (1) hypothetical, Hubby. If you are anti-divorce, and your WW won't stop contact with this OM, what are you going to do? If your WW will NOT file, because she is happy having 2 men pine for her, what would be your next step?

I ask this because it may become an eventuality.


BH-47
WW-44
2 boys-17 & 20(special needs)
Married 21yrs.(together 27yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day: 9/18/09 D-Day#2: 2/19/10 The Marriage Killer: 6/6/11
Heading for D


Posts: 2072 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: northeast
HeartBrokenHubby
♂ New Member
Member # 42359
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are anti-divorce, and your WW won't stop contact with this OM, what are you going to do? If your WW will NOT file, because she is happy having 2 men pine for her, what would be your next step?

This will not happen. I'm sure if we quickly figure out that this is not being corrected, something drastic will be taken. But once again, I'm going to take counsel from my priest and our MFT.

Posts: 13 | Registered: Feb 2014
CantLoseHope
♀ Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Heartbroken,
I too am sorry you are here, but glad you have found a place to vent or just let out whatever is needed. I am separated as well, have been since apr 2013. I will say the beginning is truly the hardest. Learning to be without them when you've been around them all the time for years. Little things hit huge nerves, and have caused big breakdowns for me. Although the initial dispair will where off the hurt and feeling lost does not. Or at least it has not for me.

Sending good things your way......

-Still holding on.....


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hubby, just wait till the anger stage hits you... I'm talking white hot, and it will give you clarity and motivation. Regardless of whom you speak with, beliefs about divorce, etc, NEVER allow any of her BS to ever be believed or accepted under any circumstance. NONE!

Fully realize that you will almost certainly find out it was a heck of a lot more than a kiss (my xWW first story was "we didn't even hold hands"), and NEVER assume or think "she wouldn't do that"... This includes MANY times WS lying on the very lives/souls of their children about what really happened/still happening.

Right now your WW is the ENEMY; a selfish, lying COWARD whose words mean NOTHING!!! I can not impress upon you enough that you must be very tough with her early on, and keep her feet to the fire. She is openly disrespecting you with her affair partner, your children, and even herself... You must be tough with her if you wish to keep or regain your dignity, and be totally ready to loose the M if she can not rectify the damage she has done, by her own CHOICE to your satisfaction!

I never in my life figured I would be D, but my xww left me no choice... I told her in concrete terms exactly what had to be done to even consider trying to "fix" things, she completely failed, so I was the "bad guy" who filed... But I kept my dignity, my honor and my word, and also lost an unremorseful cheater too! Good luck to you, and know people here care, and only want the best for you and other innocent people hurt by your WW terrible choices.


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
CantLoseHope
♀ Member
Member # 42356
Default  Posted: 4:53 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SHOCKLEADER, I am wondering if you could read my post entitled "i seriously need help" under GENERAL. From your post to HUBBY, I think I would like to see your take on my situation. I would really appreciate it! Thank you!


"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"


Posts: 172 | Registered: Feb 2014
RealityStinks
♂ Member
Member # 41457
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HBH -
I completely understand the moral dilemma you have with D. I have it too.

I'm almost 6 months past the first D-day, and I'm still M to a woman that lies to and disrespects me on a daily basis. You do not want that to happen to you.

I HATE D, but I'm going to do it. I've tried EVERYTHING, including swallowing my own pride on more than one occasion.

That said, do what makes you feel comfortable. If that's waiting, wait. If that's talking to a priest, talk to a priest. It's time to move on (in whatever direction that is) when you're ready, and not before.


Posts: 414 | Registered: Nov 2013
Shockleader
♂ Member
Member # 36827
Default  Posted: 5:15 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You bet CLH!


D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 47
Xcheater 44
One DD 19
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...


Posts: 652 | Registered: Sep 2012
kalimata
♂ Member
Member # 42104
Default  Posted: 5:41 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So violence or personal interaction is not necessarily needed for these? He's a king of email, text, and phone calls.

In most states some sort of sworn statement is required. There are some types of restraining order in which prior threats of violence are not required. Check with your lawyer.

If your wife has sent a NC letter, then here is what I would do next:

1) Ask the lawyer to file a temporary restraining order against the piece-of-shyte OM
2) Insist that your wife give you passwords for current modes of contact (phone, email, facebook, twitter, etc). Change all of these passwords to something only you know.
3) Get her a new phone # and new email address. Gmail is good for this. Set up an auto-filter so that any emails from OM are automatically deleted and forwarded to you. You can also set up filters for keywords.
4) Next violation of no-contact then immediately call the police. They will make a personal visit to see him.


Posts: 191 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 35
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