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Newest Member: BreezyBear (44281)

New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I need help.
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know how to recover from this.
It's been a long time and I can't seem to get past it. I hate my ex, still.
I am full of anxiety at the thought of having any kind of communication with him, the thought of him being in town and especially him showing up to any of my kids events.
I haven't seen him in a long time.....years.

I've been to therapy. It didn't seem to help. He told that I'm reliving unresolved feelings from my childhood.

I had a bully all through out my school years, a bad one. But I'm pretty sure I resolved that when I was able to have a conversation with him many years later with out any anxiety. All the bad was erased and even when I saw him at that bar, I didn't freak out or anything.

Not so with my ex.

I don't want to go through life like this. He is bound to eventually come to something of my kids as they grow up, graduations, weddings, grandkids. I can't bare the thought.

I don't think it's a conscious thing I can control. And I say that because of an experience I had when I had to give a presentation in front of my company a couple of years ago. I was fine before, looking forward to it. But once I got up on stage my hands were shaking and my voice was cracking. It was like an out of body experience. As I was looking at myself I was saying what's going on here...I was not nervous about this presentation at all, why is my body doing this?
That was so weird! I saw it as me not having any control over my own reactions.

I'm feeling the same way now. I want to be over this...it's been so long, but I'm not and don't know how to be.

Help.


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
gma56
♀ Member
Member # 19595
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Mari)))

I don't know how to recover from this.
It's been a long time and I can't seem to get past it. I hate my ex, still.
I am full of anxiety at the thought of having any kind of communication with him

PTSD ? Google and you will discover tons of reading material and therapy.
EMDR and several other treatments.

I did suffer from a milder form of infidelity PTSD during my divorce process but haven't since, I remember feeling dread and severe anxiety just seeing FT and his attorney in court.
It's REAL !!!!!! You may need to find a IC that deals with infidelity PTSD.
Big hugs and there is help and you are not alone !!!


BW-Divorced
It's my life now, my choices, my mistakes to make and my victories to celebrate. His choices made me free of liars and betrayers in my life. I lost my family but gained a second chance to be happy.

Posts: 20323 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Half way to where I want to be.
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((mari)))) I'm thinking PTSD, too.


You can call me NIK

Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
- Plato


Posts: 24435 | Registered: Aug 2011
jjct
♂ Member
Member # 17484
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The first thing you mentioned is hate.
I will not deny your reasons to hate, or invalidate what you feel, but we often say on here,
"_____ is a choice."

It's not like some magical Dorothy, clicking her heels together three times, I'm asking - can you choose a different destination? Like indifference?
Decide to let go of the hate? Give it away as a gift to yourself? (huh, *letting go* gives to you, what a marvel!).

Could it be true you're dealing with unresolved foo issues? That too is likely true. Hell, who isn't? Face that, admit it to yourself anyway - we're just a bunch of internet strangers on here

and just as long as you do it, it's cool. It helped me for sure, realizing that, and tucking it away into the pocket of got it. (I got my got it pocket)

In the presentation, you just slipped. o heail...I gave an embarrassing speech in HS, you would laugh at the telling of that story, but bottom line - I choked because I thought of how I was doing instead of what I was doing.(they still gave me an award dam! cuz they knew I had the best speech lol!) Lesson: focus on what you are doing, not how. (there's an I don't care, letting go freeing feeling I feel when I think that).

You know how to be, don't be afraid any more. You just haven't met yourself in awhile. (((mari)))


Posts: 6423 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: texas
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to communicate with him.
If he does show up at your kids event you can ignore him or if he corners you just say "I'm not ready to have this conversation"
And repeat it if he continues (and repeat it again even

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 8:05 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You don't have to communicate with him.
If he does show up at your kids event you can ignore him or if he corners you just say "I'm not ready to have this conversation"
And repeat it if he continues (and repeat it again even if you look like a loon!)

They say: You can only control your behavior. True, but you can also control the situation by your level of involvement. Opt out


Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
Newlease
♀ Member
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did EMDR therapy with my IC to get over this kind of PTSD. It helped SO MUCH. It helps you process the pain/fear on a deeper level.

Probably part of your fear is that you haven't seen him in so long. You are fearing what you aren't used to and don't know. I had to start dealing with my X right away at grandkid stuff. I guess I got used to seeing him and not letting him have any affect on me. I have seen him with a new wife and GFs, he has been around me and SO.

Of course, OW was out of the picture within six months of our D so I didn't have to deal with her at all.

Sending strength and peace.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7644 | Registered: Aug 2005
Topic Posts: 7

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