Your right, you do have to trust him to bring these things to you. I suspect you donít trust him to do that. The thing is, you cannot have open honest communication if he doesnít. You will always be guessing if you got it right this time or not. Itís QSís job to bring up his issues to you. It isnít your job to ďguessĒ if something is bothering him or not. If you start to wonder if it is A related, ask him. If he says no, believe him. Easy for me to write. Hard hard hard to implement.Understood. However, in a difficult time when a BS starts the spiral, I don't think there is a WS on earth who wouldn't at least think, "Hmmm...triggering? Feeling like crap cause of the A?" Whether the BS says it or not. A WS mind is going to do there.
I've read ever so many threads on a BS and their self-esteem struggles post Dday. Armed with that knowledge, and the habits of my husband, I realize I'm never guaranteed at any given moment what's actually going on. Also...
Just because QS sais he is OK with the A doesn't mean you can asume he actually is. He might just be avoiding the conflict with you, taking the easy way out. This actually fits well into his behaviour right now.Which is probably part of the reason my mind "goes there" when we're in a conversation like what happened earlier this week. Cause he has been known to not say things in an effort to "protect" me, or cause it doesn't help us, or whatever.
And yeah I know. All on him to speak up. I get it. We don't have this system down 100% yet. Obviously.
QS is a typical H in a M. We tend to avoid conflicts. For some it is because they are affraid of them. For some it is just the easy way. This is true in roughtly 70% of all M.I'm not sure I subscribe to that. Isn't it a type of cop-out? Crap goes down and a man can segway out of a conversation by saying, "Pshhh, what do I know? I'm just a guyyyy." How does that go for a woman, "Dammit Harold. I'm hormonal!" It's all deflective. Right? I think the guy/hormonal thing is just a convenient way to distract. Distraction and deflection don't prejudice against a particular sex.
Anyway, while I'm not addressing it all right now, I'm still working thru your post and your comments painfulpast. Thank you for taking the time to help. Gotta mull it over a while. Will come back to it.
EDIT: Happy Anniversary. Maybe call a truce for the day, and just be happy being together?Thank you.
Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne