Almost a year ago, I was dealing with all the crazy emotions post DDay. I lost tons of weight, continually crying, the affair on my mind 24/7, obsessed and crazed, not sleeping. I was fortunate to find SI and read.... I READ- hours upon hours, reading how many of us this has happened to. I listened to the elders of SI, implementing 180 and filing for CS, hoping it would snap my then WH out his fog. It didn't work and I spend another 5 months in limbo until I finally decided to file for divorce.
A year ago, I thought my life was over, family destroyed, dreams crushed. I didn't believe I would ever heal from the intense pain and horrible agony. I didn't believe anyone when they told me I would be fine.
The state I am in grants divorces if they are uncontested after 90 days of filing. XWH didn't have money to pay an attorney to fight me and luckily for him, I was a fair person- I walked away from the marriage as simply as I could. I closed joint accounts, took him off my car insurance and moved on. 5 years, a son and during our "honeymoon" phase, meant nothing. He left it all for a fantasy.
I promise you- it gets better. The only way to save your marriage is to risk losing it. Detach, save yourself, then throw out a life line to your cheater if they show they deserve it. Don't be afraid to leave them- they ALREADY LEFT YOU by cheating.
In just a short year, I am doing 10x better than my XWH. I detached, developed goals for myself, HEALED and now I am able to move forward in my life. I finally came to terms that if he wanted to give up his wife, a woman who loved and did anything for him, his son, and his money (because he is now paying child support) for a fantasy, then I deserved better and I am going to find better.
The waywards are the ones who lose in the end--- it may not seem like it because they are in love with their affair partner and etc., ready to give up everything for the AP. But think about it like this- all relationships have problems. When things are great, everyone is happy. Having sex like rabbits, no cares in the world, in luuurvvveee (as we say around here). But that isn't sustainable. All good things come to an end. The shine wears off and reality hits HARD.
You will come out better if you detach, 180, and leave someone who doesn't take responsibility for their actions.
The best punishment is to give someone exactly what they want... and not be there when it all falls apart.
*Hugs to all who needs them*
[This message edited by movingforward13 at 10:23 AM, February 10th (Monday)]
So happy you are finding peace and joy in your life again. You are so right about those affairs and their unreasonable expectations. The "shine does indeed wear off." Hugs to you in your new life.
"A tree falls the way it leans.....be careful which way you lean"
Thanks for this post
I'm nearly 8 months from dday and In R, but your post sent shivers down my spine.
We all feel so lost in the beginning, your post shows that you can make it through. You should be really proud of yourself!
Together 7 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
from 09/11 - 05/13
2 ONS, 9 sexting partners, 1 LT EA/PA
??/06/13 DD/1 - admits to LTA, claims EA. begin false R.
01/14/14 DD/2 - admits LTA was PA.
01/18/14 DD/3 - admits to sexting.
01/19/14 DD/4 - admits to 2 ONS
I move on to a new life, built a beautiful new home, new job, remarried, put my finances back on track. When you get rid of the dysfunctional person who's dragging you down, your life does get better.
Two sons; 29 & 26 years old; I'm remarried
Thanks for posting.
And for the record, it can happen regardless of your path (as I am on a different one).
Hugs to all.
I truly feel if he wants the AP, he can have her. Truth is, she doesn't want him. And he says he doesn't want her. It was supposed to be just sex, etc.
Bottom line.. I can look at myself in mirror each day. I can hold up my head and feel proud of what I am. I am faithful. I have morals. I'm a great role model AND I don't need anyone.
He wants to R. I'm taking it one day at a time. He can stay today. Idk about tomorrow.
Again, thank u
I remember reading the same type of thread a year ago and rolling my eyes in disbelief. I thought my pain would never end, I was ready to die in it.
This all takes time (whether you are reconciling or not) but a year from now, the pain won't be as intense. You will regain weight, sleep more, be able to think of your WS less and you will get on with life. And you will be better if you make the right choices.