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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sheer hatred
Hurtandhealer
♀ New Member
Member # 41022
Angry  Posted: 4:44 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else experience times when you just feel sheer hatred towards your fws? I'm 7 months past d-day #2 and while we're really trying to work on our marriage and I'm really trying to control my feelings, sometimes I find myself feeling rage. I'll be snuggling with my husband and he'll sense my distant attitude and say "I feel like you just don't like me". I calmly say, "I like you", but I really want to scream "OF COURSE I DON'T LIKE YOU YOU *&^%(*& A**HOLE!!!! YOU CHEATED ON ME WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH YOUR TWIN SONS!!! YOU WERE CALLING HER CONSTANTLY THROUGHOUT MY 44 HOUR LABOR WHILE YOU WERE TAKING "SMOKE BREAKS"! YOU CALLED HER 17 TIMES THE DAY AFTER THE BOYS WERE BORN WHILE I WAS UNCONSCIOUS GETTING BLOOD TRANSFUSIONS! YOU SLEPT WITH HER WHEN OUR BOYS WERE ONLY 2 WEEKS OLD AND THEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO COME HOME AND GIVE ME A HUG AND THANK ME FOR LETTING YOU GET OUT OF THE HOUSE THAT NIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEEDED! WHO THE HELL WOULD LIKE YOU?!?!" Sorry, but that feels a little better. Anyone else feel this? How do you calm your inner beast down!


2/1/13 - 1st Dday - WH claims it is only an EA with coworker and it will end
6/19/13 - It never ended, it turned into a PA, but NOW it's really over.....he says
Married 7 years, together 11 years
3 children - 4 years, and 13 month old twins

Posts: 23 | Registered: Oct 2013
Lovedyoumore
♀ Member
Member # 35593
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since this is the R forum I will censor my self....hell yes I have felt that rage. I quit eating dinner at the table long ago because all I wanted to do was reach over and slap him silly. Our kids are grown so I now eat in the den. At three years out I still have to stifle the hateful remarks that pop in my head. If my anger comes with something I feel will move our relationship forward, I will let him know how I feel. I do not want to shove everything aside because he needs to know I am hurting. If my feelings have nothing to be gained from them, I remove myself from the situation until they pass or I write them down to be addressed later when I calm my inner monster down.

Let your H know what you are feeling, especially when he asks or makes such a stupid statement. I would have let him have it also. Double barrel with a smile and bless your stupid little heart.


Me 52
WH 52
Married 30+ years
Together trying to R

I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.


Posts: 1469 | Registered: May 2012 | From: Southern, bless your heart
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine is love / hate. Some moments love and some moments hate. Today is on the fence.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want out!

Posts: 965 | Registered: Dec 2013
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

must be the crappy cold weather--because I feel the same way today. hate/rage/love/I cant do this---it's a minute by minute thing. I want the roller coaster to stop. This is a tough road! Hugs to us all

Posts: 106 | Registered: Nov 2013
devasted30
♀ Member
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with everyone here. Love/hate. And worse yet, sometimes both at the same time. I fear I will wake up one day and I will only feel the hate and the love will never come back.

Posts: 1168 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:58 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you calm your inner beast down!

Very simply...I didn't. I never had any brain to mouth editing and I never had any regrets about that. IMO repression does not make it go away, it just makes it worse.

I am 3+ years out and never do I look back and think, "I should have said XYZ....to him" Believe me, I said it all.

I wonder why, when your insides were screaming, did you calmly reply "I like you"? Why didn't you calmly tell him the truth?


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2109 | Registered: Nov 2011
StorybookGirl42
♀ Member
Member # 42276
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I do feel a lot of anger sometimes. In my situation, we cannot have full NC with the OW because the OW is the mother of my stepson. She has every right to be in her son's life so we still have to talk to her and deal with her on a regular basis.

It kills me sometimes. I find myself repeating a mantra in my head to keep the smile on my face and put up the facade of civility sometimes.

And the thing is, it isn't just her I get mad at. Let me be honest. I'm overweight. I'm losing weight again (I lost a bunch during the EA he was having and then gained it all back in stress eating, gah I'm a mess).

But this woman is not just overweight, she's a slob. Her pants are all too long with the tread on cuffs ripping and trailing behind her. She wears shirts two sizes too small that have her belly hanging out of them. Her hair is NEVER combed and looks like something is living in it.

I just want to scream at him "This is what you picked over me? This is what turned your head and got your rocks off? This slob with more rolls than the Michelin man and rat's nest hair was better than me? You USED me as a baby sitter for the kid you had with this monstrosity and everything is supposed to be fine?!?!?"

They are happening less than they used to, but they still happen sometimes.

Most recently, the stupid twit thought it was okay to just try and stop by our apartment to drop off some completely unnecessary eye insurance card for the kid (We have insurance on him, but she insists we need her stuff, too). Calls him up, leaves a voicemail saying she is coming by. He just left to go back to campus (he's a full time student right now) and then called her back to say "You are not welcome to just drop by the apartment. Also, we do not have pressing need for that insurance card. You can just give it to us at the next drop off." She had the audacity to be offended by this.

And me? I'm just seething that this bitch still can't see the lines. And that makes me feel irritated and angry at him. *Sigh* vicious cycle.


Posts: 95 | Registered: Jan 2014
Morhurt
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 8:39 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have pure rage often but when I do it's usually accompanied by sobbing and hysterics. And at that point I say it all. If I have to feel it, he needs to hear it. It doesn't build intimacy to say you like him when you don't (even if it's just at the moment) when you're upset. Being honest builds intimacy in my experience.


Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 919 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
DTERMINED2SURVIV
♀ Member
Member # 42294
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HURTANDHEALER.....
I completely understand what your saying. The funny thing is though, i will be mad as hell and the minute he senses it and backs away, i feel needy and sad. EWW I hate those days!! I have never once told my SO that i hate him or he disgust me or any language like that.....so i know if i did it would hurt him to his soul. What ive found to really work, is write ALL OF IT DOWN. Somewhere private of course. For me, i just had to get it out, it really didnt even matter if he saw it or not. At least if i had it wrote down and i needed to tell him those feelings one day (for who knows what reason) I still had them there, just as raw as i felt at that moment!~

Hope this helps!!




Posts: 270 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Where theres lots of southern HOEspitality
lostinthesouth
♀ Member
Member # 41377
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@DTERMINED2SURVIV
I have never once told my SO that i hate him or he disgust me or any language like that

sometimes I wish I didn't have word vomit--but I do and am guilty of saying that

Posts: 106 | Registered: Nov 2013
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 9:20 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everyone -

There is to be no venting about or name calling the OP in this forum. Please post accordingly.

Thank you.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 9:35 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of the angriest people I know today have been repressing for years. At 7 months out, rage is normal but if you don't express it you could feel rage at 27 months out.

The A broke me open and out spilled the resentment, hurt, anger the I kept too long inside. Stuff that was in there well before D-Day.

Anger is not "bad". Its another emotion that needs to be expressed - as responsibly as possible - and I know that is hard considering the card we have been dealt.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2287 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
FracturedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 41792
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"It's got to hurt inside...when love and hate collide!"...thanks Def Leppard. Your lyrics are applicable to all of us here.♡

[This message edited by FracturedSoul at 12:02 AM, February 7th (Friday)]


BS-33
FWH-33
Dating since 1997. Married since 2004.
DDay: 09/12/2012
4 OW from 2006-2012. Discovered all @ once.

Posts: 56 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: South Africa
whereismylove
♀ Member
Member # 41794
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know , just when I think I'm in a good place I get angry. Today while making the bed, I fluffed the pillows by punching them while visualizing each of them and letting loose every curse word known. It was good I recommend it.


DDay: Nov.6th, Dec 24, Dec.27(2013) Jan 10th(2014) & texting during false R until July 2014.
Me : BS, 36. awesome doting wife & former stay @home mom now back 2school and work.
Him: WS, 43. EU spouse. 7 months long "accidental" affair. Fol

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern California
whiteflower99
♀ Member
Member # 13937
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice cause I don't know how to get past it. I never did. I still want to drive an ice pick through his eyes.


What are you pretending not to know?

me FBS
him idiotic sex addicted, hormone addled, porn watching, post pubescent male with a walking hard on for anything without a penis
4 kids 15 13 12 8
Earned my *F* the hard way; no longer defining mysel


Posts: 1711 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Greensboro, NC
Topic Posts: 15

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