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New Beginnings Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Wow. Just wow.
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Sad  Posted: 6:49 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted recently about my boyfriend breaking up with me because he wanted to know if marriage was in our future and I felt like no, it was not.

Long story short, he asked me in person last Thursday to take him back. That he made a big mistake and he's truly in love with me. I considered it for days.

This morning I found out from a coworker that he is on Match! WTH? He's pouring his heart out to me this entire time, saying he loves me, he's sure and he's also looking for another girl to replace me at the same time!?

I called him out on it this morning via phone. He's apologized a million times. Too late. Damage done.

He left a sobbing voicemail an hour ago. Said he hates himself for doing to me exactly what he was trying to UN do from my ex. That I needed someone I could trust, build me up, etc. Great, thanks douchebag for betraying me emotionally.

I give up. We're done for sure, despite his apologies. How do you apologize for actively seeking a replacement for me while declaring your undying love?

Big mistake. I'm not being very forgiving am I? He's great. Just broken. And I'm too mad to be sad at the moment. I have had lots of tears over him for weeks.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
nowiknow23
♀ Guide
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((iws)))) So sorry, honey.


You can call me NIK

"Sometimes it takes a good fall to know where you really stand."
-Hayley Williams


Posts: 24971 | Registered: Aug 2011
Gomphus
♂ Member
Member # 29779
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry but good for you for sticking to your guns and finding the truth. And it must be supportive to know you were (even more) right in choosing to end it. hugs


me - 41 BH
D'ed
Surviving

Posts: 425 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: VA
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your hurt but you are so right!!
His declaration on undying love while on match = he is insincere! And you caught it! Good for you!
((Hugs))
Raise the bar. You'll meet someone who can rise to it (not this one!)

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
PhoenixRisen
Member
Member # 35912
Default  Posted: 7:27 PM, February 5th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for your hurt but you are so right!!
His declaration on undying love while on match = he is insincere! And you caught it! Good for you!
((Hugs))
Raise the bar. You'll meet someone who can rise to it (not this one!)

Posts: 474 | Registered: Jun 2012
newnormal
♀ Member
Member # 21925
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WTF! Really?

(((I willsurvive)))


BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07

Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo


Posts: 1033 | Registered: Dec 2008
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 6:48 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I may get flamed for this, but I have a very anoying habit of playing Devil's Advocate.

If he had started the profile after breaking up with you, then realized he wanted you back and stopped using it, would that change your decision?

If you feel strongly enough for this guy, would it be worth it audit his account to see when he created and how often he used it? I know it would opening you up to more hurt if he truly is a douche, but....

Either way (((IWS)))


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you, Twitchy. I feel it may be like Rachel and Ross: We were on a break!


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9533 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love hearing opposing views.

He activated his old account on Match last Wednesday. We didn't meet there. Last Thursday he asked me to take him back. He broke up with me 2 Sundays ago. I found out about him being on Match yesterday. I spent Saturday with him and our kids. So he was active then and I didn't know.

He changed his pics and added some new stuff. When I looked last night, he had been active in the last 24 hrs.

He told me it was a mistake to do that. (When we last spoke at 9 am yesterday after I was told he was on there) That he was trying to mask the pain of losing me....reminder, he broke up with ME.

He is confused. I do believe he loves me deeply. He left a hyperventilating/ sobbing voicemail that said he hates himself for ruining what he tried to do in building me back up with trust.
So he is very aware of the irony of this ending, given my past.

But his account is still active. And has been for a full week without me knowing it AND him trying to win me back. He knows he f'ed up. He said it.

It doesn't add up for me. He has scared me off. :(

I' m very sad today.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 8:41 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
Twitchy
♂ Member
Member # 25393
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't add up for me. He has scared me off. :(

And that about covers it. I'm so sorry.


BH(me)-49, FWW-43,
D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vous
D-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.
If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Lightfoot


Posts: 621 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Ontario - Canada
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a giant red flag that he is so desperate to not be alone that he will start looking for anybody just to not be alone.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3296 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. He needs counseling to address this. No amount of reassurance that it's ME he wants can make up for his actions of being on a dating site at this point in our relationship.

Haven't heard from him. Doubt I will. I wasn't nice in pointing out his transgressions via email last night.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
LearningToRun
♀ Member
Member # 31353
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, the match.com and all the other drama doesnt fix this:
But something was missing for me. I don't know what "it" is, but I do know that if I would have married him in a couple of years, something would feel like I was settling.

And from your talk of your Ex, sounds like you picked another one just like him.

Stick to your guns and move on. If the match.com stuff helps you, then so be it.


Posts: 248 | Registered: Feb 2011
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, if he had deactivated it instantly, then I could kinda see the "we were on a break!" argument. But, since it is still active…nope.

BUT, just because it says "active within 24 hours" does not mean he was actively on the site, it could also mean he simply opened an email.

Regardless, he didn't deactivate the account. Which is what he should have instantly done. Not cool, and kinda sad…and scary all at once.

Some guys view OLD as a "lifeline", as in "Awesome…I can always find another woman!" This kinda sounds like his MO. It is why I question guys before I agree to go out with them…and one of the questions is, "When did you last end a relationship?".

((I.will.survive))


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
sheila0304
Member
Member # 25041
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I admire your strength. You're sparing yourself future heartache. I took my ex-husband back repeatedly after his pleading. All I did was waste years of my life and erode my self-esteem.
I pray a good man enters your life soon.

((i will survive))

Posts: 1171 | Registered: Aug 2009
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And from your talk of your Ex, sounds like you picked another one just like him.

Actually, they are almost exact opposites. The only thing they have in common is me.

My boyfriend didn't cheat on me. Or plan to...I do believe that. His sobbing message to me was that he thought I would never take him back, that he had ruined us permanently.

Doesn't excuse him from joining Match while trying to win me back though. Just shows how broken he is, IMO. So much so that he needed immediate ego stroking by looking for a replacement. Oh wait, maybe he IS like my ex husband because I'm positive OW stroked everything she could.

BUT, just because it says "active within 24 hours" does not mean he was actively on the site, it could also mean he simply opened an email.

I didn't know that. I don't know anything about how Match works. He did say to me when I called him about this that he would take it down immediately. He was at work all day, but when I checked it at 9pm that night to actually look at his profile, it was still there. I did say "don't bother" since the damage is done. He should have just taken it down because he is in NO shape to date another woman right now.

one of the questions is, "When did you last end a relationship?".

Definitely will be asking this when I decide to get back out there. If I remember right (it's been almost a year) he had many dinner dates, but only 2 short relationships in the 18 months he was separated. One had ended 2 months before we met.

I guess that's why it's just shocking to me that he would put himself back out there while trying to win me back and daily saying I love you. I believe he does, but I also believe he has a real problem with being alone and wants desperately to find a loving wife.

Stick to your guns and move on. If the match.com stuff helps you, then so be it.

Right. It does help, but it really hurts. I love him, but I knew he wasn't my forever love. Hence the other thread with my posts regarding that. But remember, I wasn't looking to remarry. I was enjoying the incredible new sensation of an equal and loving partner! Something exWH certainly didn't provide for years.

Time will heal this. I lost a best friend who made me laugh, was a great listener, genuinely cared about me and my son for almost a year. It will just take time to get used to not speaking to him. Ever. :(

Thank you all, I really appreciate your insight.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 1:00 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's a giant red flag that he is so desperate to not be alone that he will start looking for anybody just to not be alone.

THIS.

I'm sorry you're hurting.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5532 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I 100% agree with you.

He's a really good man. He needs counseling to address this fear.

I woke up all last night with that song about "and you let her go" playing on repeat in my head.

I'm really missing him this morning. It's hard to get used to not even talking to him, let alone seeing or touching him.

I deleted 7 albums of pictures from things we did off of Facebook, 1800+ emails, hundreds of texts, his phone numbers, email addresses, threw away dozens of cards and sweet notes. I have to remove the temptation to just reach out and see if he's ok.

He will be. I hope.


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
cmego
♀ Member
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, there have been several threads recently about letting go of people that were important to you. It is hard, but it is necessary in order to find a good, healthy relationship. It is hard when you miss the friendship part of the relationship,at least for me. You want your friend back, but the caveat is…with the "friend" part comes all of the unhealthy parts too.

When I first end a relationship, I have to make it a daily choice to NOT reach out, because I know that nothing has changed.

It is OK to grieve the loss, and know that the best thing you could have done is give him a push back and let him figure it out on his own. I don't know why some men use Match as a crutch to lean on, I just know they do and it isn't healthy.

That is also one of my favorite songs right now,
"Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you'll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies"

Good song.


me...BS, 43 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced

"For whatever we lose, like a you or a me, it's always ourselves we find in the sea" ee cummings


Posts: 4110 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
I.will.survive
♀ Member
Member # 34677
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that is the song I was hearing all night!

Our relationship was very healthy. Seriously, nothing toxic about it. I just knew that I didn't want to get remarried and that was the opposite of his goal. It finally broke him down, but then he had regrets. But he can't change his make up. He's wired for a wife. Maybe I DO want a husband, but not for a very long time I think. The higher divorce rate scares me.

You are exactly right, cmego, that it's up to him to figure this out since I gave him pushback in the form of "why the hell are you on Match right now?"

For whatever torturous reason, I just looked for his profile. He deleted it.

I'm grateful. I don't want him getting hurt or using someone else to get over me. Not fair to anyone.

I'm still very emotional and just choked back tears to my brother on the phone. Gaaah! Definitely need to avoid this topic because it's still too fresh. I'm lonely even though I'm not alone.

[This message edited by I.will.survive at 9:16 AM, February 8th (Saturday)]


Posts: 530 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: east coast
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