hahahha. Jesus I f-ing love all of you people already. I cannot believe the amount of support there is here. It melts my heart and helps more than anybody knows. (I mean, you all know.)
Tom:
You need to grow a set of balls. Why are you apologizing? That just makes you look weak. She is driving this train and you are letting her.
MY. FAVORITE.
Dude. Polygraph. Why did I never think of that? BRILLIANT. That thought honestly never crossed my mind, but that is so smart. I cant get ahold of the other affair partner, and I cant just take her word for what happened...oh man. thank you.
Kelly
but I still have this feeling like I have to walk on eggshells, not get entry, not act weak, in order to "keep" him remorseful
Holy shit do I know how that feels. For that first week I was thinking "jesus, I wish i found out my wife had an affair every day...she is giving me the love and attention that I always needed and never got"....I get the need to "keep" them remorseful. Totally. Plus....she should REMAIN remorseful....BECAUSE OF WHAT SHE DID. I was terrified of exactly what has been happening...maybe I had a moment where I was nice or pleasant and she thought "OHP! I HAVE BEEN FORGIVEN!!!" and then its all happy cherries. Then when I freak the fuck out again she gets pissed like "What...i thought it was over?" (she never said that, but thats the attitude) FUCK NO. You think that because I fucked you in a fit of crazy unexplainable horniness because i need a way to escape pain that you are forgiven? NO. I did it because I need to fuck somebody. She is the LAST person i want to fuck right now....but you know what, IM not an asshole. I KEEP MY PROMISES. So I will have sex with her and TAKE THE SLOPPY SECONDS.
I, like you, just want him to say and do all the right things to get back into my good graces and rebuild trust and this marriage. But I feel like he wants to skip that step and just have the marriage again and put all the horrible stuff that he did in the past.
WOW. YES. You nailed it. She wants to skip the whole dealing with her consequences thing and just to the rebuilding part....What???? NO. SORRY. YOU HAVE TO SUFFER NOW LIKE ME. Anyway, I am so sorry you are going through this too. Man. You just found out on saturday? Jesus. You are smarter than I am and stronger than I am. I didn’t even want to talk to anybody for the first week. Didn’t want to see anybody. The fact that you are reaching out so soon is awesome.
I have no answers for you or myself. I trusted mine so completely for the almost 15 years we've been together and 11 years married that I didn't even realize what trust was. It just always was.
That describes us to a T. Well, I lost her trust during my addiction. I lost it completely. She could not trust a word out of my mouth, but I have taken actions to earn it back. Plus, I wasn’t using drugs to hurt her, I was sick and it was something I couldn’t stop. It was about me, not about her. With her…I have NEVER had trust issues. EVER. I never ever snooped through any of her stuff, I think I might’ve checked her Facebook and email like a few times throughout our 8 years together…but it was always just so futile because I never found anything and it was ridiculous to even question that she would cheat because of how faithful of a person she had demonstrated to be (this IS out of character for her…just totally out of character…our whole family…hers included is in utter disbelief and horror). During those four months I had no reason to trust her. I was always very proud of the fact that I had no problems with letting her go out with a girlfriend for drinks. My father is completely different. He is so controlling and does not let my mom do anything. He is suspicious and paranoid (AND HE IS THE ONE THAT HAS CHEATED ON HER)…so trust has been a point of pride in our marriage. My mother always commended me on not being jealous or afraid of her having a night out with her friends. She totally took advantage of my trust. I had no reason to question anything. Because of that she didn’t even feel the need to hide anything. It would’ve been so easy for me to find out, but I just didn’t have any reason to doubt anything she said. Anyway, thank you for your post.
As per Tom, I have taken my balls back from my wife.
Last night my the bullshit finally came to an end with my wife.
I had just gotten done having lunch with both of her parents (who are just as devastated as I am....they are just....so ashamed of her right now) I told them that my intentions were to stick by her side and explained to them how committed I was to her and how I wanted her to go to counseling and figure out what it was that made her make these HORRIBLE choices. Another reason I needed to talk to them is that I had to do a 9th step with them and make my amends....which went well. The conversation ended with us all talking about how much we loved her and just wanted the old her back, and that even normal single people dont make the decisions she made in that 4 month time period. We just didnt get it. AND her father insisted on giving us a $15,000.00 loan to pay off all of our debt (figured out a payment plan, and he isnt accepting any interest...crazy generous guy.) so that we had one less problem to deal with and we could focus on healing. My wife was having a stressful day at work, so I told her that when she comes home, we would limit the talking to one hour, and the rest of the night would be a normal evening and we should relax. I told her that the news I had for her would take a huge weight off of her shoulders and she would be coming home to a peaceful environment (a lot of why I think shes been a bitch lately is because of the lack of being able to predict what kind of mood she will be coming home to).
ANYWAY, she came home in a bitchy mood and told me to give her five minutes without any talking so she could get comfortable. WOW. SUUURE. Anything you say princess. So I did just that. When we finally sat down to talk she says these words
"Okay, lets get this over with."
I snapped. I finally realized that i could not believe I was putting up with this behavior out of a woman who I have blindly trusted and been 100% faithful and loving towards. The next 30 minutes werea display of sarcastic assholery on my end, speaking as she has been speaking...but the way I interpret it. I left. Grabbed my Ipad, and my intent was to sit at the park. It's my go to place when I've had enough. My mother just happened to call me and she is a BS herself. She had a ton of good advice, but mostly she was just a listening ear. The biggest thing she told me is to not be a doormat. Dont grovel. It gives them power when they dont need anymore.
Despite reading this SO many times in so many different articles...for some reason it clicked when she said it. I came home and my wife tried to say she was sorry and give me a hug. No. Sorry. I laid down the fucking law. I did what you all suggested. I let her know that her behavior would not be tolerated, and that I would not stand for it. If she continued I would leave.
This morning I was still feeling strong (thank god) and I decided that I was not going to shield her from the opinions of others anymore. I decided to tell her that right now, my family wants me to leave her. Which is contrary to her belief....my family has been with us through a lot and my wife has usually been the one who is the caretaker while I was a mess of an addict. So, naturally my parents are less hard on her than they would be another woman. But I have sugar coated it for sure lately. I told my wife that my parents love her and they were not mad and they just want us to be happy.
Which is not true.
My parents are furious. My mom is in mother bear mode. My dad is disgusted. My brother is appalled. Nobody is not mad at her. Her behavior is disgusting, immoral, disrespectful, cruel, and just flat out STUPID (what kind of person has unprotected sex with a stranger? Not only that, but they had unprotected sex EVERY TIME AFTER THAT. PROTECTION WAS NEVER USED BETWEEN HER AND THIS AP) DISGUSTING. I had sex with her during that time period!!! I got sloppy seconds!!! WTF?! That is not just bad behavior, it is stupid behavior. The guy came INSIDE of her the first time they fucked in a room full of people! WHAT. THE. FUCK. ABSOLUTELY HORRIFYING. SURE. TRUST SOME RANDOM DUDE IN A BAR. HE TOTALLY LOOKS CLEAN! HE SEEMS TRUSTWORTHY! HAHA. So stupid. SO . fucking stupid.
Just an hour before that she was skinny dipping at the hotel pool with her girlfriend and a group of people and hooking up with the dude in the pool...they got kicked out of the pool for skinny dipping. WHAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS THAT FOR A MARRIED WOMAN!!??!?!?!??!?!?! IT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE.
That sort of public display is such an outward display of disrespect for me.
"I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHO KNOWS IT. I AM CHEATING ON MY HUSBAND. I DONT RESPECT HIM ONE BIT! EVERYBODY LOOK AT THE BODY THAT I PROMISED WAS EXCLUSIVELY MY HUSBANDS' GET FUCKED AND CAME INSIDE BY THIS RANDOM DUDE!!! EVERYBODY COME AND GET IT!!! ITS BALLS DEEP IN ME TIME!!"
BACK to the point.
This morning I said I am fed up. I said I know I told her i was committed, but I am not going to fuck over the rest of my life because I made a promise. Because of a promise I made to a woman who does not have the ability to comprehend what a promise is. No. So I said she has two months to prove to me that she is worth staying with. At that point I will decide what I want to do with her sorry ass.
Thanks for the support. You guys are angels.