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Newest Member: ThomasD (45459)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Does HB inhibit R?
AlmostSpeechless
♀ New Member
Member # 42344
Default  Posted: 4:01 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, Thank Goodness for SI!
I didn't know what HB was, and thought I was going nuts.
The only problem is that I have HB days, sad days, angry days and numb days. This seems to confuse my fWH, and his response to my emotions is still defensive and self-serving. It confuses me, too, because I truly thought I would never want to be touched by him, yet here we are. Mind-movies still pop up and triggers galore show up daily.
I still need details and he can't or won't give them to me.
He gets angry and frustrated. He has so much guilt and wears it on his sleeve. This pisses me off. Maybe I am wrong, idk.
I think he should reaffirm his devotion and desire to R, NOT get mad and ask me if I want a divorce. I consider that to be passive aggressive button-pushing. We both have abandonment issues, but I'm not the one that cheated.
So, should I rein in my HB urges and see if that helps him grasp the seriousness of how hurt I truly am?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Michigan
steadfast1973
♀ Member
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 5:28 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB was helpful for me.

Sounds like he is using your conflict avoidance to get you to shut up. He is not owning it. He's rug sweeping. You are right, he should be focused on R, not half assed threatening divorce every time you are in pain. HB is not what's hindering your R. It's a lack of remorse. He has no idea how bad it hurt you, because he can't see past his own at being caught.

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 5:36 AM, February 6th (Thursday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
deena04
♀ Member
Member # 41741
Default  Posted: 6:43 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB helped me work through something, not sure what. I thought I was nuts, too, but it made me feel closer to him or like we could go on. I have definite days of giving up, but am just working it out. Bottom line: think it's normal and watch his actions to see what to do next.


Me BS mid-late 30s
Him WS knocking on 40 (lovemywife4ever)
blended family with lots of kiddos
together 5 years, married 8/13
D day 12/1/13
WH ONS had been 4/12
Getting ME back and moving to HAPPY - whatever that means
I want...I have no idea

Posts: 1137 | Registered: Dec 2013
AlmostSpeechless
♀ New Member
Member # 42344
Default  Posted: 7:24 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you both!
Yes, I see rugsweeping and conflict avoidance.
I think he really thought there would be no R.
When he confessed it came out of nowhere, because someone else was going to tell me and he panicked.
Everyone who knew before me thought I'd dump him.
There was no EA at all, so I don't think he sees what he did as an actual affair. It wasn't even "sex" as Bill Clinton would say.

I don't want to vent in here, so...

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Michigan
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HB does not inhibit R in a remorseful spouse, but it sounds with his anger and frustration, and threats of D,(yes asking you if you want to D is a backwards threat)tells me he doesn't get it yet, and is not remorseful.

True remorse is not met with anger, self-defense, and refusal of transparency.

I would strongly recommend you re read 180 info, and clearly lay out what your expecations are, and the consequences, and the next time he gets angry go 180. Protect yourself.

If you continue to work on R with his state of mind being what it is, he is not going to do the hard work of figuring out his why, and healing himself. That has to happen, or you are a much higher risk of a repeat performance in a year, or two or ten.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8744 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
AlmostSpeechless
♀ New Member
Member # 42344
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^This is exactly how I feel.
I wish I had known about 180 5 months ago.
I feel I allowed a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and now it's too late.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Michigan
HardenMyHeart
♂ Member
Member # 15902
Default  Posted: 11:11 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe HB helps R by reestablishing a connection. It may be a more physical connection, but it's a start.

I suggest you read to your WH exactly what you originally wrote on this thread. Sounds like good topics for discussion and improving understanding for both of you.

In addition to the physical intimacy, R is the place to reconnect with emotional intimacy as well. Explain how you are feeling and what are your expectations. As you discuss, expect some give and take, but don't let things get too heated. If someone gets too angry, pick it up later. It's also ok to set time limits on these discussions as they can get very intense.


Me: BH, Her: FWW - Long Term EA/PA
d-day: June 25, 2007
Married 30 years, Reconciled

Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.


Posts: 5697 | Registered: Aug 2007
Rebreather
♀ Member
Member # 30817
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel I allowed a lot of stuff I shouldn't have and now it's too late.

It's never too late. You control your recovery, not the wayward.


Me BS
Him WH
2 ddays in '07
Recovering.
"The cure for the pain, is the pain." -Rumi

Posts: 6582 | Registered: Jan 2011
obliquestrat
♂ Member
Member # 42165
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I simultaneously think that HB saved our marriage (so far), yet is making it harder for her to "get it" 100%.


ME: BS 36 - HER: WS 33
TOGETHER: 2001 - MARRIED: 2008 - KIDS: 2 (3 and 1)
D-DAY: 1/6/2014 (accidentally discovered 3M EA which had developed into sexting, makeouts, tickets for biz trip to Disneyworld)
R, IC, MC, NC (coworker)

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2014
AlmostSpeechless
♀ New Member
Member # 42344
Default  Posted: 5:34 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Part of me believes that doing the 180 might have caused us to D right away, but if we end up not R down the road, I've just added more pain because of HB. I'm going to write out my requirements and goals and let him have time to assess his ability to accept them. I am still too emotional when we talk and he still puts his defenses up.

Posts: 8 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Michigan
Calli0pe
♀ New Member
Member # 41683
Default  Posted: 5:54 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think HB has been a big help to our R.

I also want to recommend this book (to everyone, basically) - it really seemed to help my WH "get it." I felt like his attitude took a drastic changed for the better pretty much right away. Bonus: it's also cheap, a short & easy read, and available immediately for download.
amzn.com/B004ZG6UF4

(I swear I don't work for Amazon )


Me: BS, 35
Him: WS, 37
Married 5.5 years, friends for 10 before that
D-Day: Nov 29 2013
"Massage" parlors & Casual Encounters
Working on R, not sure I can live with it.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: North Texas
Topic Posts: 11

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