He still has that picture of her and the affair in his head. He is not seeing it for what it was(is). A dirty, slimy, dishonest, episode that had to stay in the dark via lies and betrayals.
Of course she is a whore. I have never called my husbands AP anything else. I call her that to him and called her that to her face. It is a dirty word and it does not fit into the mental image they had of their great love.
Keep being tough. There is always the possiblity that he will pull his head out of his ass, but if not, you are already on the path to healing. Take care of yourself. Hugs.
Yes it seems quite a shock that I am interfering in the romantic picture. I think I'm doing well too. Slip backwards sometimes, but you bring me forward again. Thank you.
I have always been independent since graduation from nursing school.. My big mistake was to sweep things under the rug after first D-day 27 years ago..
2nd d-day was a couple of years ago, that was how long a false R took..Marriage 37 years..
For the love of God don't let your WH become financially dependent on you with you being the sole wage earner..
Again I made that mistake and if I file now, I will be facing divorce from a WH who is financially dependent on me and with my pension I cannot support two households..My health doesn't permit me to work full time..
I have been retired for almost a year.. I have been letting our money situation get to a point where my WH was forced to get a job..I have been refusing to go back to work.. Not until I feel better health wise..
Eventually things will play out in a way that we get looked at as being equal in our wage earning capacities by a divorce court...My WH has been working for the last 3 weeks, so things are trending in the right direction for me...
Even if you R please, please take the time to get and have your ducks in a row for an exit plan..Even outside of infidelity one can never know what is gonna happen in life to pull the rug out from under us..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:31 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]
I have tried the 180 didn't work my husband got pissed.
^^^Will someone wiser than me please address this?
Do you and your WH still share the same bed?
If your WH is unable to control his anger then there is always the avenue of getting restraining orders and documenting everything well..One of the simplest things to do is for you and your kiddos to be gone for much of the day..Especially if you get to retreat to your own bedroom at night..
The 180 is not for his benefit. It's for yours. His reaction, or lack thereof, is not your problem or concern. HE is not your concern any more. Your concern is to detach enough to clearly see what you need and want, and the best way to go about taking care of yourself. The 180 is for your benefit, and you can adjust it or modify it in any way that helps YOU. What it is not, is a way to punish him, bring him back to you, or any other scenario that has "he" or "him" featured in it.
Good 180: talks only about finances and children (if applicable) with WH. Takes care of self first. Shows at the most, polite disinterest when WH tries to engage you in anything other than finances and children or tries to stray from those topics when you are having necessary discussions. Allows you to draw healthy boundaries for yourself and to stick to them.
Bad 180: Allows the WH to goad you into emotions and emotional statements/engagement. Allow worry about hurting his feelings, "how will he ever do the dishes/laundry/get to work on time," etc., to convince yourself to engage with him. Making it clear to WH that you are miserable. Worrying about him for any reason.
For example, you're going to dinner tonight I assume, to talk about finances. Pros: you can walk out if the discussion goes past finances. Public place so very likely to be no yelling, swearing, etc. Cons: too intimate. Too long spent together remembering other more pleasant situations. Easy to get sidetracked from the finance discussion. If finance discussion takes 15 minutes, and it's a 1 hour dinner, you have 45 minutes that unless you never open your mouth except to put food or drink in it, you will probably slip up and engage in social interactions. Lots of time for him to make justifications, lie to you, blame you for "driving him to the A," etc. Bottom line: as long as you can be business-like during the dinner and stay out of memory lane or blame/justify back and forth, this could work, but you are going to have to state your boundaries really early and stick to them. Oh yes, make sure you drive yourself so that if you need to leave, you are not dependent upon anyone for transportation.
Have you seen a lawyer yet? It probably is a good idea to do so to find out exactly what your are owed. Also you can ask about a legal separation. If you are legally separated, you can still be on his insurance, but you will have everything divvied up as if you were divorced. Then when you are ready, you just file for the divorce and it's pretty painless because 95% of the work has been done.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
You know what he has done and is doing is a universal wrong because you are adhering to your values. STICK WITH THOSE VALUES.
It is precisely in times like this when you must stick with them - that is what strength of character is all about.
Show him your strength.
When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)