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Newest Member: 4hazel (45322)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Blaming Me
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Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I say I need my health insurance I mean I have a part time job, lots of finances dependent on him. I am not in a hurry for divorce partially for that reason. I hate his guts right now and if I had a million dollars would file. However, I will see how this plays out and hold off on divorce to keep a roof over my and my children's heads. So just thinking about what to say to him because I expect he is going to say he's not done with whore, isn't doing MC, etc.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are handling this just fine, huskers. He is still in the fog and that is why he reacted the way he did to you calling her a whore.

When they are in the affair, everything is music, rainbows, and flowers. It is a beautiful world that they create and they are beautiful, misunderstood, people, bless their hearts.

He still has that picture of her and the affair in his head. He is not seeing it for what it was(is). A dirty, slimy, dishonest, episode that had to stay in the dark via lies and betrayals.

Of course she is a whore. I have never called my husbands AP anything else. I call her that to him and called her that to her face. It is a dirty word and it does not fit into the mental image they had of their great love.

Keep being tough. There is always the possiblity that he will pull his head out of his ass, but if not, you are already on the path to healing. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
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Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kansas thank you :) Im in Nebraska. Let's meet for a hug lol.

Yes it seems quite a shock that I am interfering in the romantic picture. I think I'm doing well too. Slip backwards sometimes, but you bring me forward again. Thank you.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You may be in a bad position now, but take the time to gradually engineer or evolve your life/work life to a place where you won't be dependent on anybody for medical insurance or finances..

I have always been independent since graduation from nursing school.. My big mistake was to sweep things under the rug after first D-day 27 years ago..

2nd d-day was a couple of years ago, that was how long a false R took..Marriage 37 years..

For the love of God don't let your WH become financially dependent on you with you being the sole wage earner..

Again I made that mistake and if I file now, I will be facing divorce from a WH who is financially dependent on me and with my pension I cannot support two households..My health doesn't permit me to work full time..

I have been retired for almost a year.. I have been letting our money situation get to a point where my WH was forced to get a job..I have been refusing to go back to work.. Not until I feel better health wise..

Eventually things will play out in a way that we get looked at as being equal in our wage earning capacities by a divorce court...My WH has been working for the last 3 weeks, so things are trending in the right direction for me...

Even if you R please, please take the time to get and have your ducks in a row for an exit plan..Even outside of infidelity one can never know what is gonna happen in life to pull the rug out from under us..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 3:31 PM, February 6th (Thursday)]

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 41411
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have tried the 180 didn't work my husband got pissed.

^^^Will someone wiser than me please address this?

Me: 31, exBGF, now married

Posts: 184 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: West Coast, USA
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Member # 33806
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think my WH thrives on the 180, it doesn't phase him..
However if he got pissed at me, got in my space or face it would get him nowhere..

Do you and your WH still share the same bed?

If your WH is unable to control his anger then there is always the avenue of getting restraining orders and documenting everything well..One of the simplest things to do is for you and your kiddos to be gone for much of the day..Especially if you get to retreat to your own bedroom at night..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

Posts: 1242 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Regarding the 180. So your WH got pissed. Whoop de frigging do! Can you hear my knees knocking all the way here from SoCA?

The 180 is not for his benefit. It's for yours. His reaction, or lack thereof, is not your problem or concern. HE is not your concern any more. Your concern is to detach enough to clearly see what you need and want, and the best way to go about taking care of yourself. The 180 is for your benefit, and you can adjust it or modify it in any way that helps YOU. What it is not, is a way to punish him, bring him back to you, or any other scenario that has "he" or "him" featured in it.

Good 180: talks only about finances and children (if applicable) with WH. Takes care of self first. Shows at the most, polite disinterest when WH tries to engage you in anything other than finances and children or tries to stray from those topics when you are having necessary discussions. Allows you to draw healthy boundaries for yourself and to stick to them.

Bad 180: Allows the WH to goad you into emotions and emotional statements/engagement. Allow worry about hurting his feelings, "how will he ever do the dishes/laundry/get to work on time," etc., to convince yourself to engage with him. Making it clear to WH that you are miserable. Worrying about him for any reason.

For example, you're going to dinner tonight I assume, to talk about finances. Pros: you can walk out if the discussion goes past finances. Public place so very likely to be no yelling, swearing, etc. Cons: too intimate. Too long spent together remembering other more pleasant situations. Easy to get sidetracked from the finance discussion. If finance discussion takes 15 minutes, and it's a 1 hour dinner, you have 45 minutes that unless you never open your mouth except to put food or drink in it, you will probably slip up and engage in social interactions. Lots of time for him to make justifications, lie to you, blame you for "driving him to the A," etc. Bottom line: as long as you can be business-like during the dinner and stay out of memory lane or blame/justify back and forth, this could work, but you are going to have to state your boundaries really early and stick to them. Oh yes, make sure you drive yourself so that if you need to leave, you are not dependent upon anyone for transportation.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? It probably is a good idea to do so to find out exactly what your are owed. Also you can ask about a legal separation. If you are legally separated, you can still be on his insurance, but you will have everything divvied up as if you were divorced. Then when you are ready, you just file for the divorce and it's pretty painless because 95% of the work has been done.

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 4915 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
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Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To answer questions I made him leave when I asked if he could faithful and he said no. We have loan due or roll over again. He says he won't sign since he has no say in house ....I changed locks etc that's where it gets complicated

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you. Yes I have the legal covered. i'm a paralegal. That's where they went wrong lol. Not only did I not fall apart, I went into major survival mode and knew what I could and could not do. I suppose I will fall apart another time or not. I need to take care of myself, not only because I'm worth it, but because of my children. I have been married for 27 years, but I will be the victor not the victim. I will let you know what happens with the dinner.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 5:12 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Falling apart is waiting somewhere ahead if you're like the majority (hate to say it!), but sometimes focusing on what you need to do, solving the problems, fighting for your rights can give you the strength to power through in a kind of numb shock and narrow focus. That's really helpful right now. Don't stress too much about what you may feel later. You absolutely have the right attitude and knowing your own worth and strength will save you.

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4196 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
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Member # 35526
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more he blames you the more you accelerate your moving forward from that bullshit. Don't budge an inch when it comes to him blaming you.

You know what he has done and is doing is a universal wrong because you are adhering to your values. STICK WITH THOSE VALUES.

It is precisely in times like this when you must stick with them - that is what strength of character is all about.

Show him your strength.

I Divorced Her.

Posts: 363 | Registered: May 2012
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Member # 42168
Default  Posted: 9:07 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I was a complete disaster at the 180 lol. I just lost my temper so bad. Whore and F came out of my mouth a LOT. He said no way he could come home with me being this angry. Point taken but tough crap. He did express remorse, sorry, etc. would like to work on coming home. Double edged sword on what he said about that. He's afraid he can't be faithful and will just hurt me again. I appreciate the honesty but what the hell? Just say no. We are both going to psychologist different days. Haven't done joint yet. He says he needs to be a better person in order to come home.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 2027
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I were you, I would go ahead and file. At least then you can start getting spousal support and child support put into place. In Ne he will have to pay an estimated amount before your divorce becomes final. In the mean time, he can decide weather to shit or get off the pot.

It is what it is, not what we hope it can be.

When another woman takes your husband,
sometimes the best thing you can do for
yourself is to LET HER HAVE the worthless
OC born 2001
Divorced 2003
Remarried 2008 (New Guy)

Posts: 8032 | Registered: Aug 2003 | From: Iowa
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