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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Sacrificing BS's happiness for kids
whereismylove
♀ Member
Member # 41794
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be patient, but also have an exit plan. When someone hurts you this much you sometimes fall out of love. If you know that indeed you will never really love him again and be happier with out him..do it. you may be right, Mr. Right may be out there. Talk to your husband tell him how you feel and that you see his honest love and effort but that you just can't and try to make it as smooth and loving of a D for the kids as you can. But if you're not sure.. give it a little time and some deep thought, your feelings may come back..the kids will be fine either way as long as you and ws do it right.


DDay: Nov.6th, Dec 24, Dec.27(2013) Jan 10th(2014) & texting during false R until July 2014.
Me : BS, 36. awesome doting wife & former stay @home mom now back 2school and work.
Him: WS, 43. EU spouse. 7 months long "accidental" affair. Fol

Posts: 68 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Northern California
mchercheur
♀ Member
Member # 37735
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((libertyrocks)))

I can so relate to what you are saying.

I am giving 1000% into trying to rebuild a new M with WH. The most important thing to me in the world is to keep this family together for our kids. I also still love WH. It is taking some time for me to completely trust him tho, don't know if I will ever blindly trust him again.

One thing that I have learned from this site is that it can take a long long time for a WS to "get it" & become truly remorseful---it doesn't happen with the snap of your fingers, it is a process. I see that happening slow as molasses with my WH. But I am willing to be patient.
I am hoping it will work out, & we will be together for the rest of our lives.

WH & I also have very very different interests (he is a sports addict & I am a classical violinist & love to read), but we are trying to work around that & find ways to enjoy things together.

My plan is to get these 4 kids launched ( 3 1/2 years to go!!) & then re-evaluate.
I hope WH does the work, & that I have no doubts about staying together once we have an empty nest. It's up to him.

Wishing you & your WH luck.


together 25 yrs, married 24 yrs, 4 children;Rebuilding
D Day: 5/10/2011 PA
OW: WH's co-worker,divorced, no children, 20 yrs younger than I-----& she knew he was married, had met our kids, but that did not stop her from trying to destroy our family

Posts: 1397 | Registered: Dec 2012
truthsetmefree
♀ Member
Member # 7168
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Let me begin by saying I haven't read all the posts - if only because sometimes this topic makes me nuts.

NO ONE can definitively say staying for the kids/leaving for the kids is the right thing to do. What matters most is what you do with whatever situation you are in. Everything outside of that is just about logistics. I've seen people stay and be bitter and miserable. I've seen people leave and chase one relationship after the other while their kids sit on the sidelines like spectators. Every situation has it's own considerations - and the right decision is one that weighs each of those honestly before making a choice.

Now, stepping off my soapbox...

Of course you are confused! Infidelity changes the whole dynamics of the marriage. Some people (since we are in the R. forum) are able to step back in with both feet. Some people never are. I'm finding I'm in the later category. And while some may claim that that's unfair to a remorseful WS - and perhaps it is - it's also how this experience has changed ME...not just my marriage. Sometimes I do better than others. But unfortunately, the better I do, the more it touches that scar - and I'm in that cycle. Additionally, there just are "the sound of hoof beats" in life - and having been run over by a pack of zebras, it's no longer easy for me to assume horses.

It just is what it is.

I once so struggled with this...this idea of trying to get back to where I once was - in the marriage, within myself. I still sometimes question if there is something wrong with me - and I sometimes think about trying out a new relationship just to see if it really rides any differently. How do I really know otherwise? It's a gnat that flits about in my brain at times.

But I also know, deep down, that this whole event wasn't just about love lost and broken dreams.

It was also about shattered illusions.

And that's when I realize that what I'm most looking for is courage.

Courage to be both in and out.

Courage to love - not without fear but in the face of it...in the midst of it...and without asking/expecting to have it taken away.

Courage to share my life while understanding that I am also ultimately alone.

And mostly, courage to go forward without the sanctuary of those illusions that tell me it is possible to live differently "if only...".

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 3:20 PM, February 7th (Friday)]


Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
industriousbee
♀ Member
Member # 41324
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you suggest staying in the M until kids are in school do you mean grade school or college? My baby is 2 and I feel the need to decide on D now or not later. I feel like D affects grade school kids much more than a toddler.


Married 8 years
ME BS 30
HIM WS 33
DD 1.5 years old
DDAY 11-13-12

Posts: 116 | Registered: Nov 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 5:18 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

libertyrocks maybe you work on it until you cannot work on it anymore. Someone else here has said that they are giving their WH this time to better themselves and if that has not happened by the time the kids have left then leaving would be an option.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 11th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you, thank you everyone.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
libertyrocks
♀ Member
Member # 38924
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, February 13th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

authenticnow,

and there's the guilt and mixed emotions that go along with that.

I never thought of this...

Thank you for sharing.


Me-BW 36. STBXH-35,Recovering Alcoholic, M6yrs T13. Boys 2 & 4 1/2.
DDay #1 Nov,2012. 1 1/2 year false R & TT. 10 OW PA's 1LTA (W lied to) 3 years.
S Nov, 2013 again Jan,2014
Filed for D Feb,2014.

Posts: 962 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: So Cal, baby. :)
Topic Posts: 27
Pages: 1 · 2

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