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User Topic: A thread for those with an unremorseful WS
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Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am currently *lucky* enough to have a remorseful FWW. In my first M, my XWW looked me dead in the eyes, and with all seriousness told me "I married you for the child support". An *attempt?* from her to R was made only after her final appeal for custody was turned down by the State supreme court(year and a half later). In the interim, I had to live with her bringing men to the house every weekend.(No sex, just to pick her up).

Yep, no remorse, I get it brother. It does get better.

BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
ďI have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.Ē
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 2974 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
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Member # 40274
Default  Posted: 7:07 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in this sad little club too...

Mine has said the words "I am sorry for what I have done. It was all wrong and I am taking responsibility." He says he cried "a million tears." I think he is sorry for himself and cried only for the impact to himself. He claims that he "tried to work it out" with me, but seeing as I am the one he allegedly tried to "work it out" with and I don't even remember this part....this remorse couldn't have been too impressive. He is still with his OW, even though he says "everything I did was disgusting and wrong and descipable."He also sent me a note on my birthday saying "I am truly sorry for the pain my past actions may have caused you." Ummm, "may" have caused me? Really F**er? And just your "past" actions...what the Frig does that mean? That now that the cat is out of the bag, you are NOT sorry for anything you do from here??

I read 'run away husbands.' He fit the criteria to a T. It would apply to run away wives too. Apparently, by the time they let you in on the fact that they are unhappy the marriage is a fait compli for them.

I think mine created an alternate reality in his head of how controlling and bitchy I was to justify how little he was actually contributing to our relationship and the family. He didn't like conflict, so he was passive, and then resented me for being what he calls "the boss." Grow the F up! Then, he says he convinced himself that I didn't really love him and wasn't attracted to him so he went out seeking an affair and then just "fell in love." I think he was unhappy with himself but attributed it to our relationship, had an affair for the thrill, used that thrill to self medicate his low self esteem (someone f**ks me and strokes my tiny little ego) and was just too much of a coward ass pussy to either communicate there was a problem and work on the marriage and end the affair, or end the marriage and and leave for the OW. I think he was such a puss to let it go on for so long, that when he finally told me he knew it would be over. He wanted that to be the outcome. He denies it, to look like a marginally decent guy to others, but I know it is true. He also seemed to lack any conviction, as in if I truly wanted to fight for the marriage he probably would gone along with it. Lucky for both of us, that did not happen.

It is a shitty thing Sean! It hurts like hell, but don't allow yourself to feel rejected. Your WW was messed up. She failed. She broke the vows. That is all on her. Don't drink that koolaid no matter who serves it up. It is her story, it doesn't have to be yours.

I would like to punch her in the ass for you!

Me BW- 40ish, awesome
Cheating scusband 40ish
2 kids, elementary school age
Bomb dropped Aug 4 out of nowhere...

Posts: 443 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Hell
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Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Thanks for starting this thread. I've always thought there should be a permanent thread like this in the ICR forum, because I do think our pain is singular. I won't say "worse" than others, but it is very distinct.

I relate completely to every word of your post. My XWH had absolutely no remorse. I found my definitive proof while he was out of town, and had two full days to cry and think, and try to figure out if I thought I could ever forgive him, or if I should ask for D. I never came up with an answer, and it was all for nothing, because when I confronted him, he wasn't sorry. He had no sympathy for my pain and confusion. He wanted divorce and nothing else. R was never on the table. I had absolutely no say in what happened to me, no voice as I watched my world explode. What I felt, cared, thought was 100% irrelevant.

It was devastating, humiliating, and terrifying. Like you said exactly, I felt thrown out with the trash. Even worse, because he had continued sleeping with me while seeing her, I felt used sexually. Like a used condom thrown out with the trash, good for nothing but getting him off when OW was unavailable. I felt not only betrayed, but like a victim in my own life. I had absolutely no control over anything that was happening to me.

My XWH was PA and deeply EA. They had been seeing each other a long time. They were saying I love you, and what a perfect couple we make etc. They were "planning a life" together. After I confronted him, eight days later he moved out and in with her. And there he remains, playing house and happy couple.

Like you said, I was painfully jealous of those on SI who were given the chance to R. Who got to hear the precious words, "I'm so sorry.... I love you.... It was a terrible mistake....Please, I don't want to lose you...." There was a time when I would have given anything, ANYTHING, to hear those words from him. But I got nothing. Not even a pretense of remorse, not one iota of anything showing that our relationship ever meant anything to him. I couldn't imagine a worse betrayal than what he did to me.

Then, as I read more on SI... I discovered that there IS a worse betrayal. And that is false R. I know there are success stories, although I never ever ever read in the R forum... but it seems like every day there are people posting JFO's coming out of false R. What I went through was HELL. The only thing worse I can imagine, is going through it again. And again. And again, as some posters here have done.

Slowly I started to feel... I don't know... "thankful" isn't quite the right word, but I am glad in hindsight that my XWH didn't ask for R. Him standing there totally cold and unfeeling in the face of my sobbing, hysterical pain was unthinkable. But it was also the only honest thing he did. And if he had to pick one moment to be honest, I'm glad it was that one.

He is broken. He was broken long before I met him, and he's broken still. I know that now, and in a way I knew it on Dday. But on the surface, he still looks like the man I loved deeply. The man I married and committed the rest of my life to. If that familiar face and beloved voice had asked him to forgive him.... I'm not sure I would have been strong enough to say no. I might have given him another chance. But that wouldn't have changed who he really was inside. My forgiveness would not have redeemed him. Only he can do that, and he is not capable of it. I didn't know that at the time, but I think he did. He was never going to end the affair, and we would have without a doubt arrived at another dday.

So yes, I guess I am "thankful"... that though this has been hell, its a hell I only had to go through once. And I'm glad my relationship with him is over. Because he was never loving me truly the way I deserve. Never. Not even when things were good. Whatever he felt for me, it was not real love. If it was, he would not have done this to me. Even if the love faded or whatever, and the relationship ended... he would not have done this. He would not have been this cold, this calculating, this remorseless and cruel. It was never love.

Sorry, I feel like I've wandered a lot in this post. But I know exactly what you're feeling, Sean. And I'm sorry you're feeling it, sorry that any of us have to feel it.


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin

Posts: 912 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
million pieces
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Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A good friend of mine had a DDay just several weeks before mine. Didn't even know what was going on with her until I could recognize that post dday zombie look. Anyway, her WH was "remorseful" and then he wasn't, and then he was. Until 2 yrs later when she had enough. They are still going through mediation, lawyers, etc. She is DONE.

My ex told me about his affair, and left for good 3 wks later. NC pretty much from then on. He was remorseful for <24hrs. One big giant bandaid being ripped off. I was a mess, lost 20# that I didn't need to loss, you know the picture. But here I am 4 yrs later, divorced and moved on.

I am soooooooooooooo glad that I didn't go through the false R hell. Maybe I would think otherwise if I had a single friend that actually R successfully.

Me - 42
2 kids, 9 and 11
D-Day 2/5/10, separated 3 wks later
Divorced 11/15/11!!!!

Posts: 1264 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: MD
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Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, I take it as a blessing. It was hard for XWH to pretend that he wanted to stay with me-- if anything, he wanted to stay only because he could then cake eat as well as avoid taking a financial hit-- but the way he acted when I found out was, though painful, exactly what I needed to get myself motivated to leave.

I don't know what I would have done if he had been a better actor. I was so appalled by what he did that I'm not sure I would have gone for R anyway, but his sad attempts at pretending to want R did me a big favor. I shudder to think that I might still be with him, monitoring his every move, resenting his very presence, while he carried on with OW and still expected me to ratchet up the perfect wifey performance since the A was, of course, all my fault.

I know that some would have liked the chance, but honestly-- what's the ratio of successful R to false R, I'd like to know? How many people end up posting years later in JFO about a second, third, fourth, etc. DDay?

Unremorseful is shocking to deal with when one actually has a heart and soul, but I know that in my case, it reinforced what my gut was telling me anyway, and I don't feel the least bit sad that XWH is not my problem anymore. I hope CommandOwife is enjoying XWH's mask and that he is enjoying hers; their "lurrrve" probably won't be so awesome when one of them lets the mask slip.

BS (Me) 39
Happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

Posts: 3620 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Default  Posted: 8:02 PM, February 6th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Cat's post.

I remember wishing I had a spouse that wanted to R. And then I did -- but by that time I was strong enough to realize I deserved better and had to tell him no. That was harder than if he'd just left me alone (Who knows -- probably would have been false R anyway.)

I truly believe that the people who have unremorseful cheaters are the lucky ones (if any of the betrayed dealing with this mess could be considered lucky.) They (we -- by the time my XWH wanted to R, I'd been healing) get to move on and start our new lives over right away. No wasting months or years on someone who didn't really change.

Seriously -- just look at people's signatures here. I did, and that's a major reason I declined to try to R. Could you really have been happy with her, knowing what she did to you, even if she'd "changed"? How you would be kicking yourself when her next D-Day arrived. The truly lucky ones are people who picked healthy spouses and never have to know this dark side of humanity exists.

But, in any case, you can't change the past. I know it's easier said than done -- and I also know that I am a naturally positive and resilient person so it's even easier for me to say -- but right now, you can choose if you want to get to indifference and make a fabulous life for yourself, or if you want to wallow in your pity and unfairness and ultimately let her ruin your life.

Don't let her win!

Have you ever tried yoga? I was just talking with my yoga teacher tonight about how yoga has helped to transform my life in many ways -- same thing happened to her, and she told me stories of other students who have told her similar. I almost think it should be mandatory for anyone going through this mess.

Me: BW, divorced, now fabulous and happy!

Married: 11 years, no kids

Character is destiny

Posts: 3400 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Default  Posted: 12:09 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well my STBX is unremorseful, but he doesn't want a divorce. Classic cake-eater. I definitely have felt jealous of those with remorseful spouses, although to be honest if he seemed TRULY remorseful and was doing and saying all the right things (which he never did during the 5 year false R during which DS was born) it would be hard for me to walk away. The remorselessness is a gift. On the other hand, as much as it would wound my ego him walking away would be better in many ways because now in his twisted NPD mind he is the victim and I am the one destroying our family and subjecting DS to a broken home, even while he keeps picking up OWs. The last excuse was he cheats because he doesn't like my family . I know he will try to control me and spite me for possibly the rest of our coparenting relationship out of revenge for leaving. If he had run off then I would likely have full custody without a fight and he wouldn't have this idea for revenge. But you know what? It all sucks, especially in the divorce forum. Like tryingagain though, I wonder what percentage of the R forum is in false R

Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
D by default 5/3/14!
In house 8 mos, moved out 7/1!!!

Posts: 942 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
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Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

XH was told to leave and he did. He never looked back, nor would discuss the subject except to tell me that I "made him have the affair" timeline from his leaving till our divorce 5 months-he married ow 2weeks later. That was 2003.

It wasn't until XSO and I dated 8 years, when he ended it for his EA partner. She was moved in 2 months after we split.

It's a hit I thought I was healing/ healed from. I'm not sure anymore . I know their choices have more to do with them than me. But I'd be lying if I didn't think there is something wrong with me that causes them to bail. I try not to dwell on it much. Neither of them have given me any real answers.

Makes it hard to be vulnerable again. This is the longest I've been not dating since I was 16, I'm coming up on 2years. I think I like it. I can worry about me and the cat. After years of taking care of kids, I'm free to concentrate on me-it scares me and thrills me at the same time. I don't have to compromise with anyone and it's taken me almost 2 years to be comfortable with it.

I can't read in reconciliation, I barely read in WW and JFO. There is a place in ICR for those whose WW left for the OP, yes it is a special room in hell, both a curse and a gift.


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5255 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
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Default  Posted: 3:20 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this club. Suckstobeme's post struck a chord with me. The betrayal by the person whom you loved and trusted more than a blood relative has left me scarred for life. I will probably never love quite as deep ever again.

I struggle with the thought that others could feel similar pain if it was only an EA and not a PA. What I do realise is that we are all feeling more pain than we ever thought possible, regardless of EA or PA, whos WS is remorseless or full of remorse. Only someone unfortunate enough to have endured both an EA and a separate PA could possibly compare.

I personally think that there are pros and cons to each situation although there aren't really pros to anyone's situation.

I now see there being a benefit to having a truly nasty and vindictive CSTBXWW as it allows me to detach. Although I suffer incredulity at the sheer dual personality of my ex, I don't ever have to wonder IF I made the right call to divorce as I never ever had the choice.

I hate the fact that my entire situation was not under my control. My future life has been dictated by another. Someone who does not have my interests as a priority. Someone who would rather me be dead.

One thing I haven't suffered from is the low esteem of being discarded for another and this is becuase I learned very quickly, through SI, that it was not me that was broken. I don't exactly pity my ex but I do know that she will live to have deep regret and shame for her actions whereas I can hold my head up with dignity.

All of my friends know that the ex is 100% at fault

Me 40
WW 38
Together 19 years
Married for 9
DS(1) 9
DS(2) 7
Dday 10th Feb 2013
She moved in with POS and took kids 23rd Mar 2013. WW now has new baby
Divorced April 2014

Posts: 715 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the fact that my entire situation was not under my control. My future life has been dictated by another. Someone who does not have my interests as a priority. Someone who would rather me be dead.

I think it's is what I've struggled with and still do mostly at times. My life and the life of my son has been upset by someone I pledged everything to. Did what she asked, but now feel punished for doing so. I'm tired of the constant running back and forth between houses that my son has to endure. He never asked for this either. I hope she's happy and proud of herself. But somehow I'm sure she's just as empty inside at the end of the day when all is said and done.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
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Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XWH still has not even admitted to the affair!

And now when I told him the OW cannot come to my home for child pickup he says I need to get over it --- it all happened years ago. WTF?

He left us after dinner one night, blamed me for everything, but swore he wasn't seeing anyone else, and yet had set me up to be friends with the OW 4 months after they were f*****g and 9mos before I figured it all out.

Phoenix1 just posted this:

Normal people cannot understand crazy, and you will never wrap your head around it

WOW. So true!

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 7:36 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

me BS 52
him - 46
married 15 years DIVORCED 10 31 12
children - ds15 ds12
d-day 12-19-11
I gave a 24hour ultimatum then went to attorney next day
Divorce filed

Posts: 2196 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's is what I've struggled with and still do mostly at times. My life and the life of my son has been upset by someone I pledged everything to. Did what she asked, but now feel punished for doing so. I'm tired of the constant running back and forth between houses that my son has to endure. He never asked for this either. I hope she's happy and proud of herself. But somehow I'm sure she's just as empty inside at the end of the day when all is said and done.

Precisely - in general and in specifics. Once outed, my now ex-w just shut the door on the marriage and our kids and moved 180 degrees away from everything in her life that preceded d-day. No R, attempt at R, false R or any of that.

And as others have said, this has been both blessing and curse. The vacuum she created was nearly lethal for me and it wounded out kids. But at least any illusions die with her about face.

But all these years later, our kids describe her as an automaton - less a mother than some sort of caretaker going through the motions with neither heart nor soul, just the pattern of being a mother - a haunted empty shell.

At least she is still with OM, prize that he is.

Blessing and curse.

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11

Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
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Default  Posted: 8:03 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X was sorry for himself... not remorseful. We've been NC since the S more or less... except for when he reaches out (usually via a surrogate or, once, an email) to tell me how much pain he is in over something going on in his life.

And to this day never once has he said he's sorry for what he did to me (in fact, he explicitly said he wasn't sorry on DDay), has never asked how I am, has never acknowledged the scope of the devastation he brought on everyone involved. Just walked away and thinks only of himself.

At this point, I have two thoughts on the matter.

The first is that, as others have said, an "unremorseful" spouse can be a blessing. We false Red for about three weeks and it was hell. I have no idea how people deal with that kind of thing dragging on for years and having to become the A police. It's so hard to separate your life from their's and to take them off their pedestal, that having them be unremorseful is perhaps one of the only ways to get enough traction to get yourself out of the situation for the sake of self-preservation.

That said, at this point, my BIGGEST fear is that the fog will lift and he might try for R. For him to show up here again would be the hugest trauma. I just want him gone gone gone at this point. Disappear. Never come back. Don't even let me know you're still alive.

(An aside: this is also important to me as I heal and look ahead to thinking about dating again. I don't want his ghost haunting any new relationship. I want him to continue being the evil SoB he is so he doesn't impact my ability to start fresh with someone new.)

Second... if they are unremorseful, it really gives you a ticket to let go. It will be hard to resolve that you cared for this person, thought they cared about you... and now what? You can just be tossed aside? But what about the memories?! What about all of the promises!? That's just human nature because to do what these weirdos do in terms of walking away is just pathological and creepy and not normal.

But what I try to do is say to myself: if he can do this, he is not well. He may not be get-him-to-a-padded-cell not well. But he's certainly completely fucked up. Disconnect and fall out of love with me? Fine. But to treat me so disrespectfully? Good luck living with that. I know I'm worth a hell of a lot more. I know I did my best. So to hell with him. Be secure in the knowledge that he sucks.

When I do have sad or angry moments over all of this (and I still do, but I'm less than a year out), sometimes I'll find myself fantasizing about what I would say to him if he showed up at the door, hat in hand. How would I explain the devastation to him? How could I make him understand how much he hurt me? How could I ever articulate how close I came to this totally destroying me?

But I only get maybe max 5 mins into those thoughts and then I'm just exhausted. I'll never be able to explain it to him. No one can understand this unless they've gone through it. And I don't want to hold on to it, either. So I've let go of the idea of making him understand... which means I've let go of him and the instinct to hold onto that pain he's caused. And his lack of remorse has helped me reinforce that I don't need to keep any of this pain in my life. I have permission to let go.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I am currently separated after going through FR.

Long story short, We divorced in 2011, remarried in 2012...our 2nd anniversary is in 5 days and we have been separated since last April due to another EA with one OW and a PA still active with a different OW...the pain feels unbearable at times. I can't believe I opened my heart up to him again only to be living a worse's hell and so much worse emotionally than it was every other time.

I am learning this time that he is broken and doesn't want to be repaired...

I haven't written a lot about some of the dynamic's. I have recently found some part time work and because we work in the same industry I have had to see him several times recently...we are NC for the most part...I have repeatedly asked him not to approach me when we find ourselves at the same work you know he will wait until he sees me talking to a mutual business associate and will come up with a sick smile on his face and pretend like nothing is wrong...other business associates who don't know our situation will ask him about me and he answers as if we are still happily married...and let me not forget the texts messages I receive at least once a week intended for OW or that OW was a friend whose husband cheated on her...of course her husband was remorseful and did all the right things...she said she couldn't get over what he had done and D'd him only to take up with my cheater husband...I've got worse stories as I am sure many others who have suffered's worse than the betrayal itself to me...I feel there is a component missing in me now that is vital to my future happiness and I don't know how long it will take me to find it...

As they say, be careful what you wish for...

[This message edited by Starzjourney at 8:15 AM, February 7th (Friday)]

Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is unremorseful. In 3 days my life changed so completely. One day he told me he didnít love me anymore along with a whole pile of crappy stuff (we are bad luck for each other, you are attractive Iím just not attracted to you, etc.) I just stood there dumbfounded and cried pretty much. The second day he barely spoke to the kids or me. He stayed away from the house. When we did talk he just told me I should go. He didnít want to give me any false hope. I gave him options of when I could leave and how best to deal with the kids. He told me to go with the kids as soon as possible. This is the day I checked his phone under the advice of my mom. This is when I realized he was not the man I thought he was. I confronted him; he lied. Day three I packed the kids clothes and my clothes (I had an entire suitcase dedicated to my sons LegoÖ.it was the saddest and sweetest suitcase). My WH was nowhere. When we told the kids that we were going to Canada without dad my DD burst into tears. WH went to the bathroom to fix his hair. I sat with DD holding her and eventually got up to see what WH was doing. When I got to the bathroom he turned around and asked me if his shirt needed to be ironed? I walked away and 10mins later he had to go somewhere, ďsorry guys got to go Iíll be back laterĒ. We left the next day; he did not shed a tear.
Iíve broken NC a few times since I left hoping there would be something of the guy I knew. None of those conversations have gone well. I know that in the three months Iíve been gone his original OW is also gone. Iíve asked him if he feels any remorse, regret or sadness over this, his answer was, ďof courseĒ but nothing further than that. Our last conversation he told me he was in a relationship but itís not serious so heís not sure what he wants. I said he was making it perfectly clear. I havenít spoken to him since. He has done everything in his power to make this all my fault. He is a coward.
I donít read anywhere but D/S or general. One day I will probably read JFO when I feel helpful. I wished I had a remorseful WH but like others have said I donít want to be posting another DD down the road. This pain once is enough. I know itís early days for me but I do wonder if I will ever be able to love like that again? I gave so muchÖ.I will now always be so cautious.
Thanks for starting this thread sean. I wish you all the best i

Me: 35
2 amazing kids DS DD
almost Divorced!

Posts: 283 | Registered: Dec 2013
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Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Awesome post!

"If your ideal image of yourself is in the future, it's going to stay there".

Posts: 1187 | Registered: May 2010 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad for this thread. In my case appearances are EVERYTHING for my unremorseful POS, so instead of picking up and leaving, he made it look to everyone that he was trying, when in fact he never stopped the affair. He really wasn't trying with me either, just biding his time till I got sick of him and threw him out 5 months later. He wasn't just coward enough to cheat on me(in my home no less) , involve our children in his whoring, take no responsibility for his cheating when found out, he couldn't even leave when I found out--he had to be thrown out, so he could play victim (Poor me, the bad wife threw me out).

In a way, I wish he has just outrightly just left me for her. It would have been kinder than the sneaking around he did with his whore. My in-laws tell me that he brings her over there now, I guess he figures everyone knows so why hide anymore. He has blamed me for everything as though he had no choice but to cheat and use me for years. He still does not have enough balls even to file for the divorce--he cannot make a decision to save his life, except to lie, cheat and steal.

We all have to take responsibility for OUR healing--clearly they are not going to help in that regard. They don't even care. It does hurt, really bad and especially when you have children with them and cannot go full NC, it makes the healing go so much slower. It just takes even more conscious effort to heal, to get to indifference. I'm having a particularly bad week with this--I totally understand how you are feeling.

Right now I'm starting a gratitude journal--be thankful for 3 things everyday. I'm told it helps you to focus on what you have, instead of what you do not have. Take care.

S, Filed 4/17/14--YAY, ME!!

Posts: 512 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: New York
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Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does hurt, really bad and especially when you have children with them and cannot go full NC, it makes the healing go so much slower. It just takes even more conscious effort to heal, to get to indifference.

I think this is the case exactly. When I'm by myself without having to go over there to pick up or drop off my son I'm better. But I hate going over there. It's so painful to sit there in the driveway of the home I built and know it's not mine anymore. You look at the driveway and see yourself playing there with your son before all this happened. Things like that. Sometimes the indifference is there, but other times not so much. It's replaced still with anger. But I guess the Terminator is right..."Anger is more productive than despair"

Maybe things are a blessing with a nonremorseful WS. I got off that torture table faster...I guess. I was stuck in false R for two months. But I knew inside it wasn't going to work because there wasn't any remorse spewing from her. Just silence and blameshifting from her. I will try to look at it as a blessing from now on.

BS(me) 48
WW 46
1 son 14 yrs old
Married 18 yrs, together 21 yrs

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." ~ Bob Marley

Posts: 1470 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: Zombie Land
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Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was never given any choice either. The closest I came was when he told me he wanted to marry her and have me as his mistress.

I agree with you Allatsea that there is a slight blessing to having your ex be vicious, vindictive and downright mean. I was stunned at the complete change in him once I filed. I filed on grounds of adultery and I named names. At that point the gloves were off.

I came to find out both he and her had played me and her husband so they could slowly move money into private accounts for their future together. He took a power of attorney I signed for a business matter and used it to borrow almost all of the equity out of our house and bought a vacation home and put it solely in her name so I couldn't go after her. She pretended to be me and took out additional credit cards on an account that I was the primary on and they ran it up to the max. And much more.

While those things killed me financially they cured me of any lingering feelings for him or regrets about divorce. Limbo ended pronto. But to this day I wonder how I married a person who was capable of these things and I never saw it. I learned a lot about my own personal judgement and I think I'm better for it. At least I sincerely hope so.

Posts: 384 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: Illinois
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Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SeanFLA, I am so glad you posted this thread. I have struggled with the same issues. I am nearing 4 years out from dday and have been trying to find the right words to post for help with my struggle. Your post reflects my mindset to a tee.

I also would like to thank everyone for their replies, I can relate to them and generally agree with their advice. I have always felt that our situation was cruel in its own way and wanted validation that it was. I now have a better perspective on that, so thanks everyone!

SeanFLA, our situation is remarkably similar, as is our reaction to it. My XWW moved in with POSOM 6 days after dday. She filed for D a few days later and never looked back. She married POSOM nine months after our D. No remourse, no appology, no contact unless it was initiated by me. I was completely blindsided. To say that I was devistated does not adequately describe it. Much like anyone facing this, whether EA or PA, there are no words to express the absolute destruction, fear, and despair that betrayal causes a BS.

The sudden abandonment and the absence of remorse or any indication of empathy for that matter are indeed a deep, primal blow to our sense of self-worth. It really is a direct attack to our very basic level of worth as a human being. That injury is what hurt the most for me and what has taken the longest to heal. To feel devalued and discarded as if we we didn't even exist really does cause us to question our true value. This is where I got stuck. My IC did not adequately address this and I internalized this until I found SI many months later. But it was too late. This internalized blame really crippled my healing for far too long. Although I am now on the right path, I wasted at least 2 excruciating years of healing struggling with this. Maybe you have made the same mistake?

Recently, I seem to have had many moments of clarity. It has taken time, but also a lot of IC, research, and support from others to realize that in fact, this whole mess is not in fact my fault in any way. I also made the fatal mistake of not focusing solely on me. I did enough to get by, but only the minimum to survive.

I have recently begun to truly focus on myself and to actively let go of XWW and the whole painful mess and just "Chuck it in the fuck it bucket!" Since I really commited to that, I have finally felt some true peace and can say that hope has actually returned, not just a brief respite, but real, visceral hope. I haven't slept this well in 4 years, my appetite has returned, and I actually, yes actually look forward to getting up in the morning. The real trick for me was really just a change of attidude, a change in my thoughts, and the discipline to focus on myself and let go of it all. I hope this lasts for me, this "new" me is only about two weeks old now, but it feels right in every way.

It was hard to let go. My IC told me that I needed to feel the feelings in order to process them. I stopped seeing her before I asked how long I should do this. I came to a point where, in retrospect, I was done processing and I was just obsessing, going over the same old themes and not healing further. At this point I suspected that I was just causing myself damage so I got a couple sessions with a different IC. Turns out I was right. He helped me to identify a couple of things that I needed to work on, but also explained that I needed to work on letting go and allow the acceptance to manifest. His words were a simple message: "For the next few months, I want you to focus on your needs first, everyone else second, then report back to me with the results. You are almost there, just a bit more courage and I will pronounce you healed. You can do it, now just go and don't dissapoint me." Words of wisdom SeanFLA, words of wisdom.

I still think about it daily, but I now have "permission" to let it go immediately and let me tell you, it has made all the difference.

I now feel like I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will be out soon and enjoying life. My XWW has not begun to process her destructive actions. She has chosen to bury it, place it on a shelf and try to forget about it. This is, as we all know, one of the most self-destructive things a person can do to themselves. Her pain will come one day and you know what? I actually feel pity for her now. I still care about her, but the ambivalence has been replaced with pity.

I could go on and on as this thread addresses so much of my story, but I want you to think about my "epiphanies" and how they might help your healing.

You are a good man SeanFLA, you truly are. You have helped so many souls here including me. Keep working through it, you are worth to much to us all to get stuck. Maybe it would be worth your while to discuss your concerns on this post in a couple of follow up IC sessions like I did.

Peace to you SeanFLA and to all the beautiful souls on this site.

Me BH-45
Her WW-44
D-Day 4/11/10
Divorced 9/13/2010
XWW Married OM 5/23/2011

There is hope. Once you truly commit to focusing on yourself and letting go, it comes back, and you will appreciate it like never before.

Posts: 493 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Seattle, WA
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