Married 2.5 years
IC has been invaluable for me. I have a long way to go, but I am in such a better place than I was a year ago. It was a process that took months, definitely not a magic pill, but it was worth the work.
You ask about if you'd been working and whether you would have had time to put into someone else. My H told me recently that he thought in the past about how I would be able to have an A because I had the opportunity (I travel for business). I laughed, as my life is running from meeting to meeting...and if I just took the afternoon off to be with my AP it's not like my boss wouldn't notice! So I think the answer is as another poster said - if you're in a bad spot and don't have the emotional resources to handle it in a healthy way, you're at risk for an A - job or stay at home.
I've only worked from home for a couple of months but I'm very wired in and talking to people constantly.
Tell you what, the identity issues that you are talking about, they exist in the outside world too. It's going to be up to us to figure out how to have a healthy identity. Goodness knows that needs to be built and tended. I feel a threadjack coming on. Guess I'll stop here.
Welcome to SI and good luck.
They have an excellent book - "Co-Dependents Anonymous".
There is also "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie.
I offer you this prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things that I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck in your recovery and reconciliation.