Topic: Moving on from SI
Member # 41222
| Posted: 10:53 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
So I need to move on. My WBF and I have been through the rollercoaster and now I am rebuilding the trust with him. He is totally transparent and gives me access to everything. He can talk about the A and supports me when I trigger. We talk about his why and things are good.
I really think the only thing holding me back is SI!!! I know that sounds crazy because I have had so much great support and advice from here. I come on everyday and read the posts - I relate it back to my experience and sometimes something will surface for me and I start to move backwards. I have learnt lots of snooping tips and have started doing it again with me new tools - I stopped before when I failed to find anything. I still haven't found anything but I keep learning new tricks! I feel its no longer useful.
I just feel that I won't find anything and it will only drive me mad and get to the stage where I am trying to find anything. I have had a few false alarms when I have discovered a phone number or email address only to find it is totally innocent.
I want to focus on R and move forward. And to do that I think I need to log off from here and have a break. Hopefully I can return one day and help others who are going through it.
I wanted to send a thank you and goodbye message but its a difficult decision. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?
DD#1 - 6th Oct 13 - TT
DD#2 - 9th Nov 13 - Full disclosure
DD#3 - 12th May 14 - FOG lifted and in R
7 week A, 2 weeks together, rest phone and email - PA and EA
Posts: 417 | Registered: Nov 2013
Member # 14866
| Posted: 10:55 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
Best of luck to you, KatieG
Think of the haters in your life as sandpaper; they’ll scratch you up time and time again but in the end you’re polished, smooth, and spotless..while they end up useless
We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Posts: 51906 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Big Blue Nation
Member # 38384
| Posted: 11:01 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
Hey KatieG, I find SI has been instrumental in my healing and in our R and we are 14 months in now. I stay away from hateful, angry posts and I have actually never looked at ways to further snoop on my H. I figure that if he is going to cheat again, he will and that will be his great loss(but I don't believe he will).
I come here to read the wise words of those who have walked before me - karmahappens, blakesteele, Rebreather, Chicho, Sisoon, catlover, and so many others (I hesitate to start naming bc I know I will leave off some!), provide some counsel for those behind me who are still reeling from the shock and pain and to read some enlightening excerpts from the WS pages- many of which I have directed to my fWH.
There are some amazing people here with great insight and I have only benefited from them. If you chose to leave SI, I wish you well. And best of luck.
[This message edited by LA44 at 11:02 AM, February 7th (Friday)]
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Member # 35846
| Posted: 11:28 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
You have to do what's best for you and your situation.
Please remember to put your feelings and emotional safety first.
Keep the blinders off, see your truth and walk towards a path that heals you.
You will be ok. We are here if you need help.
“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
We have R'd
Posts: 3793 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
Member # 39751
| Posted: 11:56 AM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
KatieG, good luck to you and lots of hugs.
On your question, I have found the need to take occasional breaks from SI when my emotions get too out of control or when I find that reading posts causes me to feel more anxiety rather than less.
Inevitably after a few weeks, I am in a different (better) place and come back to SI both to see what I can learn as well as to hopefully help others.
So your sense that SI might be moving you backward is understandable to me, and if you feel you need a break, then you should take one. Just remember that if things change or you decide you need the support, the community is always here for you.
D-Day: June 2013 discovered two-month EA/PA
NC established: August 2013
Posts: 120 | Registered: Jul 2013
Member # 31240
| Posted: 12:01 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
Thanks for not just disappearing. Best of luck.
fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.
Posts: 9985 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Member # 39439
| Posted: 12:38 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
You must do what feels right for you. Everyone goes at their own pace. Let us know from time to time how things are going, if you can. Glad you're at such a good place. I hope everything works out for you. We are here if you ever need us.
[This message edited by devasted30 at 12:38 PM, February 7th (Friday)]
Posts: 1026 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 7168
| Posted: 1:11 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
Many of us have taken sabbaticals from SI throughout the years. It's often part of the process.
What I most remember about my first official goodbye was how sheepish I felt when I came slinking back in.
It's ok both to leave and to come back. The absolute most amazing thing about SI is how it seemingly changes to meet you at whatever stage you are at.
[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 3:44 PM, February 7th (Friday)]
Posts: 7682 | Registered: May 2005
Member # 40144
| Posted: 1:52 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
Best of luck to you, KatieG.
I totally understand where you are coming from. Whenever I feel I am healing, I can read a story here that reminds me how conniving and deceitful human beings are capable of being and it starts my suspicious and negative thought rolling.
I find that reading on SI has become an addiction all of its own. I am hoping my incessant need for it leading up to Dday antiversary this weekend will subside next week. I really want to take a break and get busy doing some other things in my life.
That said, this place has been a lifesaver. I am so VERY grateful for all the wise souls here. My heart still aches for the pain so many are going through. It will be hard to walk away and not check on their progress.
I doubt I'll be gone long... baby steps.
I hope your recovery continues to go well. Live well and be happy!!!!!
Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...
Posts: 654 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Member # 31089
| Posted: 7:59 PM, February 7th (Friday), 2014|
I think I can understand. Its like learning to walk without your crutches. That helps to avoid any atrophy. It sounds like you are moving on for all the right reasons.
I used to put a little too much stock in the labeling theory and somehow being a BH on SI would define me. For me I will always be a BH. It was a very significant, if not one of the single most significant events, in my life. I don't think it keeps me down, as I continuously learn how to live with it. But I also think you have to do what is the healthiest for you. Good luck. I wish you the best.
Posts: 1208 | Registered: Feb 2011
|Topic Posts: 10|